In Her Mind

Blood stops .6.

I ran , no , I sprinted all the way across town , hiding in shadows and taking detours in back alleys . I couldn't let people see my bloody state and let them recognize me and my horrible scars . Too much was riding on these kills to let someone see me .

The irony , I knew the killing was important in a way , but I didn't know why it was . I followed one objective mindlessly , without a second thought or question .

That was the first time I almost got caught , the first time I let myself be reckless . Could it be the memories that were coming back that caused my stupidity ?

If they were causing it , then I didn't want anymore memories , even if I never found out why I began to kill in the first place .

I continued running , my athletic build and strength helped me a lot when I went out to kill , but sometimes it even got too much for me , my lungs were straining for air and my legs began to burn .

Just a couple more miles till I was back home . I was now out of a danger zone where people could recognize me , I still kept my hoodie over my head but I slowed down to a jog .

I took in the scenery in front of me . I was in the woods not too far away from the bunker . Squirrels raced over branches , birds chirped noisily , the wind blew softly against the leaves and the sunlight beamed down on me .

Then I hummed , that same tune I can't get out of my head . "Take me anywhere , take me anywhere , anywhere away with you ."

I slowed even more to walk , I just wanted to take everything in . I wanted to appreciate the nature , I wanted to appreciate me .

I maybe didn't want to become a killer , but for whatever the reason behind it , I'm glad I did .

I've never felt more free . I felt as though I know who I am even if I don't know who I was . It felt glorious .

I stopped walking and sat down on the cold , hard forest ground , it almost resembled me . I slowly closed my eyes and focused on the sounds , the scent , the taste and the feel of my surroundings  

I sucked in a long breath of air . It filled my lungs and it tasted sweet . Slowly I blew the air out and the need for oxygen filled my mind . I inhaled again . This was bliss . Just listening to the soft sound of nature , sucking in air , and letting my thoughts wonder away from my troubles .

I'd give anything to live the rest of my life in this moment where I was truly free .

I opened my emerald green eyes again . The world looked beautiful from this angle . And unfortunately it was a lie . The world wasn't beautiful , not at all . Just look at the pain it caused me . And I know for a fact there's more pain to come .

Like a movie tape , I let my thoughts roll from the beginning , from what happened in highschool , starting from the day I met Connor-Luke .

It rolled on to the day we found the bunker , when we had our first kiss , when our friendship turned to something more .

There was so many missing bits , like how I came to lose my memory in the first place , how I got my scars , where my other victims fitted in .

Then it turned to where things went bad , or at least the earliest bad memory I had . And bad went to worse , it was all just a downward spiral I fell into .

My emotions were getting the best of me , they were ranging from the happiness of a 3 year old to bitter hatred . They sprung back and forth the whole time .

I looked at my bloodied hands , I studied the creases and folds . If it weren't for the blood then they wouldn't have looked like a killers .

I took out my knife , my favorite and as a matter of fact , my only killing instrument .

The silver was stained from the two newest additions' blood . The handle was a deep rich brown . It was carved at the sides with delicate patterns .

There was the irony again .  Deadly but delicate .

My initials were on the bottom : R.B.
Why did I have a knife with my initials in the first place ?

Then more memories attacked my mind . It was a present from my girl best friend . We usually headed out with her family to hunt and on a birthday she gave me that .

I guess that's where I learned my hunting ethics . But what was the girl's name ? Why can't I remember how she looked like ? Why did my mind refuse to answer me !?

I concentrated hard , I focused on the memory , then it took me by storm . Talia Reynolds . My neighbor and my girl best friend . The person who was there for me when Connor couldn't be .

I remembered our jokes , the way we laughed , the pranks we pulled . Then the secrets we shared , the heartbreak we survived and the tough times we stuck together .

Where did she fit into this ? Where did she go wrong ?

I remember her fawn coloured hair , her soft brown eyes , her everlasting smile . She was way too innocent to fit into my killings right ?

In a second , the world stopped turning , the forest turned quite and blood stopped flowing .

She was number 14 .

Then I did something I haven't done in forever , I screamed , I freaked out .

How could  I kill my friend ? Why was I torturing Connor ? Why was I doing this ?

For the first time I doubted my ways of killing , I even almost gave up the whole murdering thing .

But the only way to regain my memory was to continue killing , then I would find out why this happened .

I dried my tears , stood up and picked up my head and continued marching home .

I didn't care anymore . My heart had stopped working a long time ago , and my blood stopped being warm along with it .