In Her Mind

Blood: Secrets Spilled .7.

Connor-Luke ...

I know it started with him , I know it ended with him too .

I know he wonders why I'm doing this to him , I know he wonders where all this blood comes from .

I know his family is looking for him , they thought he was captured or maybe he decided to walk away .

I know that my family thought I was dead , I know everyone else who ever cared enough to know my name thought I was dead .

But I guess that makes this the perfect ploy , surely they could see a pattern to the killing and the way the mangled bodies came out , they could even connect it to me but I'm "dead" . Why would a dead girl - a ghost - kill people ?

I know the answer , I know I'm not dead .

I planted that body to look like me , I even gave her some of my blood and hair . Then I staged a car accident and I burned her body .

They could only see the surface , they thought I was intoxicated , if only they cared enough to not give up , to search a little deeper . But they didn't .

Come to think of it , it's their fault . The fault was of everyone who didn't care for me . They made me a murderer .

Connor-Luke ...

He had to get bathed and cut today . I had to go give him his dinner and see to it that he doesn't get an infection .

Maybe I should tell him . The truth , the whole truth . I could tell him of my memory loss , of my killings , maybe he could help me figure it out .

I would've done that , but there was always a risk that he could escape and tell someone . They wouldn't believe it of course , but the chance was there .

I shrugged , picked up my heavy shoulders and walked heavily to his room . I unlocked it and quickly slipped inside , closing the door behind me again .

He was asleep , curled up on the white bed . The covers were stained by blood from one of his newer cuts .

Back when I was normal I would've probably either thrown up or felt sympathetic enough to help him out .

I was not that person anymore . I did not care for him as I once did . I did not feel guilty that I did this .

His chest raised up and down steadily . This was the first time in a while that his cries from nightmares didn't fill the air . He must've either been dreaming of the days when we were happy or he wasn't dreaming at all . He looked so peaceful even in his blood covered state . I felt jealous of it .

I placed his food and water along with his medical supplies on the white table . I'll make sure he eats , he can't starve himself . I needed him strong .

I tip-toed forward , careful not to disturb him . I sat down at the edge of the bed and looked at him .

There was a funny feeling , like a spark that started up at my heart . It felt weird . It wasn't a cold murderous feeling , but warm and fuzzy .

This worried me , I didn't want to go soft and normal again . I wanted to get my memory back , I wanted to stay this way because like this I wasn't "poor Rose Black" . I was an anonymous person , strong , dangerous .

He jolted awake as he sensed my presence . His eyes were wide open , fearful and disgusted . His mouth hang agape . Not a utter sound came out of it .

He looked at my hands , and my clothes , and my face which held Brianna and Kirsten's dried blood .

I looked down and that feeling returned . I didn't want him to look at me like this . I didn't want him to hate me .

Was this how love was like ? Is this how it felt ? Why couldn't I remember ?

"Connor ?"

He refused to answer . He only nodded his head stiffly .

"I ... I'm sorry..." the words tumbled out my mouth before I could think about what I was saying .

He was surprised at my words , the raw emotions on my face .

"Why Rose ? What's going on? Why are you doing this ?"

"I don't know!" I lied .

"C'mon Rose , you know you can tell me . Let's stop this , figure it out okay ?"

"No , not okay . You'll betray me . I can't tell you . I can't !"

"Rose , trust me!"

"No ! I couldn't trust you then and I can't trust you now ! C'mon , I wanna clean up your wounds."

"Rose -"
"Connor-Luke , why would you want to be nice to me now , try and see why I'm doing this ? After all I've done to you -these scars- how can you want to trust me , want to hear me out ?"

"Rose..."
"Stop saying my name dammit ! C'mon , you'll get an infection if I don't clean those wounds !"

He sighed and sat up . I picked up my medical supplies on the table and carried it to his bed . I cut the old bandages off , cleaned the cuts with antiseptic and examined them . Some of the older ones already scarred over and faded , newer ones were still tender and red .

I softly took care of him and reaplied the salve before covering them again . I made slow tender movements , partly to calm my self and partly to keep Connor from flinching .

I looked up and caught him staring at my face . His face and emotions were twisted in anguish . I believe some part of him hated me for this and the other admired me for taking care of him .

"This is why , Rose ." He whispered .

"No , this isn't , you can't love a serial killer , you can't love me . Not anymore Connor."

I spilled my secret . His face was so fearful . He looked at my bloody self again , up and down .

His breath hitched in his throat and then he screamed .

He screamed and screamed and screamed .

His hands picked up his ceramic food bowl and flung it at me . The hot soup splashed against the wall and the bowl fell to the floor shattering into tiny pieces .

He went berserk .

I reached for the medical things and then bolted to the door . I slammed it shut and stood with my back against it .

I sunk down on my knees , regretting my mistake . Regretting my secret .