A Mile In My Shoes

ONE

Capri

"Almost there." He groaned, for what seemed to be the hundredth time in ten minutes. Ten minutes felt like ten hours; ten unbearable hours. With every hip thrust, I grimaced in pain, silently praying it'd be over soon. For five years, this has been going on. I've been used as his plaything, his stress relief, and his punching bag. I've been everything except what I truly am to him. Ever since his wife walked out on him, he's been using me to fill her role. A role I didn't choose to fulfill. I lay beneath him, lifeless, as he viciously pounded into my womanhood, not caring he was hurting me. His movements lost rhythm and became sloppier by the second. He was near. Just ten seconds left and it'd be over. His words were now inaudible as he reached his high.

Out of breath and his arms no longer able to support his two hundred and twenty-five-pound physique, he crashed on top of me. The taste of his salty sweat dripped down the side of my face as he placed open-mouth kisses in the crook of my neck. He lifted his head, staring me in my emotionless eyes with a look of accomplishment on his face. "That had to be the best quickie we've ever had. What do you think?"

"I need to get ready for school. Midterms start today." I responded in a bland and dry tone, ignoring his question. I was in no position to boost his ego.

"Oh. right. You did mention something about tests this week. Alright, well get up, take a shower, and meet me outside in an hour. I got to run some errands today, so I'll drop you off and Brandyn will bring you home." He said, rolling off me and out of my bed.

I waited until he was out of the room and dashed towards the bathroom, ignoring the stabbing pain between my legs. Wasting no time, I stepped inside the shower and let the hot water wash off his sins, just as I do every day. To be raped is to be broken. To have someone you once loved reach into your soul and kill you slowly with every second it continues to go on is shattering. These incidents normally start with an innocent grab of your hand or a friendly hug. If they can get their hands on you, they'll do it. You think nothing of it because it's someone you trusted with your life, but then you realize the grip they have on you is too tight. Too tight for you to break free until they choose to loosen their grasp enough for you to break free. That moment shakes you up and you're left wondering why this person chose you instead of the other millions of people in the world.

Now, just imagine the fear running through your veins and the thoughts running through your brain when your arms and legs are tied to the bed posts and your voice becomes mute as they explore your body without your consent. At that moment, your body no longer belongs to you; it's theirs. Nothing belongs to you anymore as they have taken control of everything you've ever known or rightfully owned. Your freedom, your will, your self-respect, your confidence, your dignity, your soul. These things that you worked so hard for, have been stolen in the blink of an eye.

No one is supposed to feel like a foreigner in their own body, but that's the only feeling left once it's all over. I refrain from looking in mirrors for an extended period because I don't know the woman I see before my eyes. She's a familiar stranger who's taken ownership of my body. I knew from the very first time my virginity was taken from me, I'd never be the girl I was the day before. Most times, I'm afraid to attend school because that means I have to be around thousands of young, horny guys for hours. I'm afraid of most men and have every right to be. I have two guy friends I've known since middle school, but even now, we barely hang out. I know they'd never do anything like this to me, but I thought the same thing about Martin.

I washed up as thoroughly as I could and quickly got out, not chancing him to come back in here and get aroused again. Living in Baton Rouge, the fall felt like summer, so I fished out a simple black and white t-shirt, custom-made by a good friend of mine, a pair of skinny jeans, and my black huaraches. Pushing for time, I settled for eyeliner, nude matte lipstick, and a high ponytail. The longer you're in college, the less you care about dressing to impress. The people I'm genuinely trying to impress are my professors so that I can get my degrees in two more years and move far away from home.

Martin banged on my door a few times before walking away. In other words, I have two minutes to be outside, waiting next to his car or he'll leave me. Not that I care to begin with. I have my car parked outside. With my everyday bag on my shoulder, I grabbed my phone, student id, and wallet and headed downstairs to the garage. When I made it to the car, he sat in the driver's seat with a mug on his face. "Took you long enough."

"Yeah, well I couldn't go to school with cum running down my legs, now could I?" I snapped back. In return, his right hand connected to the left side of my face, sending my head into the window.

"Watch your mouth, you little bitch! Don't act like you didn't enjoy it just as much as I did. Fix your face and put on your seatbelt so we can go." I did as he said without daring to look in his direction or say something to earn another blow to my face. At least the dark tone of my skin will hide the mark forming on my cheek. Folding my arms across my chest, I looked straight ahead, ignoring the lustful stare he was giving me. I flinched as he reached over and kissed where he'd hit me. "I don't mean to hurt you, but there will always be consequences when you mouth me like that. Now, are you ready to go?"

My eyes blurred and I slowly nodded my head. "Yeah."

"Great." He sat back in his seat, putting the gear in reverse. "I love you, Capri."

The tears fell at this point. My heart aches at his meaningless words. I fought hard to let the next words come out of my mouth and mean them, but I didn't. "I love you too, dad."