loving someone || skam fic

17 | the letter

"so you remember her surname, then? it can't have been that casual. no one remembers the surnames of casual shags."

"well - it was kind of intense but brief, let's put it like that."

"a holiday romance?"

"yeah. that kind of thing. we fell in love, we had sex, then she left me a Dear John letter and did a moonlight flit."

"ow," said iris, flinching slightly. "nasty. why did she dump you?"

william shrugged. "i dunno," he said. "the letter got rained on. it was all streaky."

"so how do you know it was a Dear John?"

"because the only words on it that were legible were 'i feel so ashamed.' the same night we'd had sex. what else could that have meant?"

"have you still got it?"

"what - the letter?"

"yes. the streaky old letter. is it here?" iris bristled with excitement.

"erm - yeah, actually. i think it is." william had a pathological nostalgia for paper and was incapable of throwing away anything with handwriting on it. consequently he had a cardboard box at the bottom of his wardrobe filled with five years' worth of birthday cards, party invitations and letters. he even kept post-it notes with tedious little messages on them about remembering to leave money for the milkman.

"ooh - find it, will you? i want to see it."

"what for?"

"i'm going to read it."

"but i told you, it's illegible."

"no, i mean its energy."

"oh, god." he raised his eyebrows at the ceiling.

"oh, come on william. humour me. look - your cards are telling you to look at your past for regrets and blockages, and you're telling me that there was this girl you fell in love with who mysteriously disappeared and left you a soggy note. i think this falls for further investigation. i think you should get that note!"

william sighed, but slouched to his bedroom and pulled the box out of his wardrobe. he had a vague notion that the note was probably somewhere in the vicinity of his dissertation notes and finally found it buried between the pages of a notebook he'd used for his first week at college.

"wow," said iris, feeling the note gently between her fingertips, "this letter is just loaded with energy." she laid it gently on the tabletop and smoothed it out. "it's so heavy with vibes she needn't have bothered writing a word."

"look, iris..." - he reached out to take the letter from her - "can't we just go back to the tarot thing?"

"yes, but not yet." she clutched the letter towards her.

"there's sadness in this letter - tears."

"iris..." he reached feebly for the letter again, but she leaped from her chair and strode to the other side of the kitchen.

"william, will you just let me do this. this is important." she held the letter up again and closed her eyes. "tears, anger, sad tears. you know something?" she lowered the letter and faced him. "i don't think this is a Dear John letter at all. i think there's much more to it than this. what happened that night, the night she left?"

"oh, god," said william gloomily, "nothing much. we spent the day with my mum and alan. we had a barbecue with her parents, then we went off and had sex in a field."

"and how was it?"

"iris!"

"no, i mean, was it a positive experience?"

"yes, thanks for asking."

"and afterwards, what were her last words to you?"

"i dunno. it's so long ago. just something about see you tomorrow, i suppose."

"and?"

"and what?"

"well, did she say she'd enjoyed it?"

"what - the sex?"

"yes."

"probably. i can't remember."

"and then what?"

"well, we just sort of kissed and hugged."

"and?"

"oh, god, iris." he glanced at his watch. it was a quarter to twelve. "can we stop this now?" it's getting really late. i want to go to bed."

"no, no, no," she said, bounding towards him. "no. don't go to bed. i need to know more about this. what was she like? was she pretty?"

"yes, she was very pretty. she was very nice, very sexy and very pretty, and losing my virginity to her was the best thing that ever happened to me. now - can i go to bed?"

"a-ha! finally, we're beginning to get somewhere. so, you have this perfect night with this perfect woman who then disappears overnight, and you never see her again and you never find out why. i would say that that is the root of all your woes. you've been left in limbo by this girl - for whatever mysterious reasons - and you've not been able to move on since. you're stranded in this perfect moment that nothing else will ever live up to. god, it's so tragic. you've got to find this woman!"