LOST BOY | PHAN

five

the next summer, phil left.

dan remembered that no one told him until the day before, when they were sitting on his roof and phil turned to him and told him that he was going to summer camp.

dan felt betrayed. how could phil just leave? he was supposed to stay, to spend the summer playing with dan like he had the past two years. phil was his best friend, dan couldn't imagine not having him around when the leaves were green and flowers grew and the sun was hot, when there were countless opportunities to make up games and play pretend, and play cards with phil's dads, and make paper airplanes and throw them off dan's roof. dan couldn't stand the thought of a boring summer without phil.

howie told dan that it was to help with his adhd. dan hadn't known what that meant but he explained that it was what made phil talk so fast and move so much. dan looked it up as well after he got home and learned everything there was to know. he wanted to make sure phil was okay.

dan helped him pack through teary eyes, trying to keep his emotions at bay. as much as he didn't want him to go, he didn't want to ruin this for him either.

dan came over first thing on the day that phil had to leave. phil was already up, sitting on his bed when dan slipped through the window.

"hi," dan whispered breathlessly, watching him. phil looked at him. he looked pretty tired, but okay.

"hey."

he patted the spot on his bed next to him, smiling weakly. dan sat beside him, clasping his hands in his lap. they sat in silence for a moment, other than phil's foot tapping against the wood slats of his bedroom floor.

"you're gonna be okay," phil said finally, looking at him again. dan swallowed nervously.

"i g-guess so."

"hey," phil muttered, touching his shoulder gently. dan wished he wouldn't, he was already so close to falling apart. "you will. you're gonna have so much fun without me, you'll wish i'd never come home."

phil was clearly joking but dan didn't think it was very funny. he hid his face in his hands, shaking his head. "don't s-say that, p-phil!"

phil rubbed his shoulder gently and even though dan couldn't see his face, he could tell he was worried.

"i'm sorry... look, dan, i'll be back before you know it."

for some reason, dan didn't believe him. he moved his hands away from his eyes, glancing at him. "but i'll m-miss you..."

phil looked sad and he chewed on his lip, his cheeks sucking in on themselves, displaying his cheekbones. "maybe i could give you something so you don't have to."

dan blinked. "like what?"

suddenly phil looked increasingly anxious and he avoided dan's eyes nervously. "i... um, i was thinking..." he glanced at him, his gaze fleeting. "in case you do meet someone while i'm gone..."

suddenly dan's face felt like it was on fire and he scooted closer, grabbing his hand encouragingly. "yeah?"

phil's expression melted into that of determination after a second and he nodded, sitting up straighter and looking him in the eyes. "you're thirteen now and... and i don't want you to have your first kiss with some scumbag."

the breath got stollen out of dan's lungs and he gasped, his eyes widening at the words. he had had his hopes, but he had never imagined that was what phil was really going to say.

"oh," he whispered. phil's grip on his hand tightened and he nodded again.

"dan, i... i like you," he muttered. "and i just don't want you to forget me over the summer."

dan stared at him, doe-eyed. right then he felt like phil held the universe, he was the universe, and dan's reflection was just a tiny star residing in his eyes. "i won't," he whispered, and he completely meant it, with all of his being. "b-but i've never kissed someone."

"that's okay..." phil's eyes traveled over his face. dan hoped he saw the universe as well.

"okay," dan said softly, playing with his fingers nervously. phil moved closer, grabbing both of dan's hands.

he leaned in after a second, and pressed his lips against dan's. dan closed his eyes when he realized he was meant to; at least, that was what phil was doing.

a thousand butterflies exploded in dan's stomach and he squirmed a bit to get them to settle down, trying to focus. phil's mouth was soft and amazing, just like dan had imagined it would be, and he was so gentle...

dan tried to log every second of it to his memory, so he would be able to think about this moment all summer when he felt alone and deserted by the one person he loved most. but phil had kissed him, so maybe he could survive.

after a moment that felt like a second, phil pulled back, searching dan's eyes.

"was that okay?" phil whispered, and dan was reminded that phil was still a kid just like he was. he still felt like everything.

dan nodded quickly, still breathless. he wondered if phil would give back the breath he stole. "yes..."

phil smiled, his blue eyes brightening. "good..."

a voice called phil's name from downstairs that dan identified as elias. he had never been so devastated to hear someone's voice before.

"i have to go," phil whispered sadly, looking him in the eyes. "are you gonna be okay?"

dan nodded mutely, trembling. he wouldn't cry until phil left, he wouldn't let himself be such a baby.

"okay," phil muttered, hesitating before leaning in and kissing his cheek gently. then he stood, grabbing his bag. "bye..."

dan nodded again, scared to even speak. he watched phil leave the room, closing the door softly behind him, before he let the tears come, throwing himself against phil's bed and sobbing his eyes out.

phil went away for the summer with dan's heart in his hands, and he never even gave it back.