LOST BOY | PHAN

six

life without phil was antagonizing boring.

dan spent most of his days pacing his room until one of his parents shouted at him to be quiet, sleeping, or hovering outside on the curb as if if he stared at the street for long enough without blinking, phil's bus would magically appear. dan was bored.

initially he had hoped phil would write him, but he didn't. dan knew he couldn't blame him, he was probably busy making friends and having a wonderful time without him. it made dan's heart hurt to think about it; what if he was replaced? what if phil came back with a new best friend?

and phil had kissed him... dan still couldn't wrap his mind around that. did phil really like him the way dan did? it still made dan's heart flutter happily when he thought about it, but it also felt almost... painful. dan didn't entirely understand it but he had a sick feeling that phil didn't want him, he just didn't want dan to be with anyone else.

but it just mixed with all of his other worries, and he pushed that aside, letting himself hope for something that felt so far away and impossible. he hoped phil liked him, and that's what he'd have to live with.

at the beginning of summer dan hadn't wanted to be a bother more than he'd wanted reassurance, but soon he couldn't help it and he walked over to phil's house the regular way. he didn't trust himself to climb across the roof without phil by his side, assuring him he was safe. he knocked on the door.

dan heard footsteps and he bit his lip, his hands behind his back, swaying a bit. he was wearing a navy skirt that phil had gotten him for his birthday the year before, his favorite article of clothing by far.

howie opened the door, looking both surprised and pleased to see him there. "dan!"

dan smiled nervously, chewing on his dark pink lower lip. "hi..."

howard made a tsking noise, humming in a way that made dan feel pitied. "you miss phil, don't you?"

dan nodded, blushing and tugging on his skirt, twisting it in his hands.

"well come on in. i was just making tea, we can chat."

dan nodded gratefully, stepping inside the house and following phil's dad to the kitchen, trembling like a leaf fighting the wind during autumn. it felt so different to be here without phil by his side, so foreign. he didn't want to be a burden.

howard poured two cups of tea and carefully handed one to dan, who had to quickly set it down on the table in order not to drop it. he sat down delicately in a chair at the table, and howie sat across from him.

"how are you feeling, dan?"

dan nibbled at his lip again, avoiding his eyes. "i'm o-okay."

howard reached out, touching his wrist gently. for some reason the touch felt reassuring rather than anxiety provoking like dan would have thought it would.

"you can tell the truth here. no judgement."

dan looked up nervously, meeting his eyes. howard nodded encouragingly. dan opened his mouth, closed it again, and burst into tears.

he had spent all summer keeping it in, trying to shove his feelings down until they were nonexistent and he didn't have to think about them. but they weren't nonexistent, they were still there, just concealed by the lies dan had fed himself. he shook with broken sobs.

"oh, honey..." howard stroked dan's arm with his thumb gently, letting him cry. "hey, it's okay... phil will be back soon. i'm sure he misses you a lot too."

dan whimpered, hiding his face in his hands. "but w-what if he, what if he d-doesn't?"

"he does. don't be silly, dan, he cares about you more than anybody."

dan just cried harder, sniffling. "i'm s-sorry..."

"it's perfectly fine, sweetheart." he pulled back, watching him in a caring parent sort of way.

dan sighed, taking a deep breath as he slowly started to calm down, hiccuping.

"you know, dan," howard said finally, and his voice had a different kind of tone to it. a worried one. "you really are welcome here, any time. even if no ones home. alright?"

dan nodded, wiping his nose with his sleeve, confused. "okay."

"i'm serious." howard held his mug between his hands, his fingers splayed against the glass. dan stared at them so he wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. "look, dan, i..." he cleared his throat and restarted. "i've heard some scary things from your house..."

dan frowned. "w-what d-do you mean, sir?"

howard seemed conflicted and he bit his lip. "there's been a lot of yelling, dan. and i just want you to know you can come here whenever you need to, no matter what the reason is."

dan nodded, still confused. he didn't know why he seemed so fidgety. his parents did get mad at him often, but most of the time they hardly payed him any attention at all. "okay."

howard nodded. "good. i need you to know you're safe here, and elias agrees with me."

dan licked his lips, surprised to hear that phil's dads had been talking about him or his family. "okay."

howard took a sip of his tea, leaning back in his chair.

"phil will be home before you know it, honey."

dan sure hoped he was right.

when dan got home a while later, his mother stopped him in the hall, grabbing his wrist and giving him a weird look. "where have you been?"

dan blinked. she never seemed to care where he was, he had never told either of his parents where he was going before he left. "at phil's h-house."

"who's that?" she asked sharply.

dan's heart dropped into his stomach. he talked about phil constantly, whenever anyone gave him the chance to, and the fact that she had no idea who he was hurt.

"m-my friend."

she scoffed. "your friend?"

dan nodded, dropping his gaze. "yes. he's m-my best f-friend."

"is that that kid who lives next door?" she asked. dan didn't like her tone. he nodded mutely. she shook her head. "tell me before you go over there," she continued gruffly. "i don't trust those people."

"is it b-because, because his dads are boys and t-they're in love?" dan asked softly, legitimately curious. his mother sighed as if he had asked the dumbest question in existence, letting go of him and rubbing her temple.

"just go to your fucking room, daniel."