How did things end up like this? How did everything get so messed up?
I've never told my dad that I liked a guy.
Never before you.
You don't even know that...
That I like you
Or that I told my dad
My head is a mess right now.
I contemplate giving up on you but I'm not sure if that's fair because I don't think you even know.
You don't realize that I've tried to ask you out four or five times in the last month.
I want to give up on you because if it didn't go over your head, then you rejected me, and your rejection went over my head...
But you really didn't seem to understand.
I want to give up on you because the fourth time, the fourth time my entire body was QUAKING
My arms, my legs, my hands, my feet, my stomach; they had all turned to jello. I couldn't move my feet. Our friend Noah almost pushed me into the other room, the room that you were sitting in. My heart felt like it was trying to break free of my chest, to escape the skin that is its prison. My blood was pounding in my ears. I probably appeared so weird to you, maybe now you'll understand why.
My head is a mess because you make me so nervous, you make me laugh all the time but I'm still nervous to sit next to you, I feel like I'm keeping a secret. I feel like you'll tell me that I'm too young or too hyper. I feel like you'll tell me we could never be more than friends.
But honestly, I think the even more scary thing is that you could get excited, that you'll say you've wanted this for a while. And then you'll move back to your country, we both know you have to. You'll move back to your country and wonder what you were thinking, dating a foreigner. Or someone will make too many comments and they'll get to you. That you'll find someone there and take them over me because they can actually HUG you, because THEY can actually KISS you. Because they can hear your voice in person, instead of over a filtered screen.
Then again, everything could work out, obviously that's what you hope for when asking someone out, you go on dates, enjoy them, after a couple of years get married, and live happily ever after. But if we got married, we would have to choose which country to stay in, and one of us would be forced to used a foreign language, every day. I mean, you do it while you are in school here, and I am trying to learn your language. But still, it must be difficult, not knowing many people who speak your language. Not only that, but one of us would have to severely cut back on seeing our families; you can't purchase a plane ticket every week.
A couple of days before New Years, I made a decision. I decided I was going to wait until Febuarary 1st, and if I still liked you as more than a friend, I would ask you out. I over excitedly told people about this decision in the following weeks and asked them to pray for me...for us, not that there is an "us". I told way too many people and I feel guility, so many of our friends know, but not you. Now I feel like a dozen people keep telling me to go for it and asking me if I've done it and the thing is I tried, it's so hard Basil, you don't even know.
The thing is, I'm not sure if I wanted to try anymore, we haven't spoken much these past few weeks, I felt like we'd been drifting apart. Like we would only be friends. But then yesterday happened. You're so friendly and you make me laugh and I realized you gave the tea to me because you wanted to, not because you were pawning it off because you don't like that kind of tea. I mean, I wanted to be excited that you gave me tea and that you thought of me, but I had convinced myself not to get overly excited, that it could have been done for any number of reasons other than you genuinely caring for me. We always make each other laugh, I love your laugh and your smile, your whole face lights up. When you laugh, it's the only time your age shows up. Most people think you're younger. It's not a bad thing, it's just an observation. I was going to do it yesterday, you know. No, you don't know...I was going to ask you out yesterday but I got interrupted by the church's guitar playing.
When I asked you if you wanted to go to the dance last Friday, I meant with me, specifically, my intention was not a generalized question.
When I asked you to the RiverWalk at sunset, you were confused, but showed up anyway. Thank you for that. You asked me why I wanted to meet there. While I did want to meet you there to practice learning your language and I told you that, I did, but I also had other reasons.
