Agh, there's so much I want to get off my chest. Wow, where do I start?
I discovered that the happier side of myself was a social butterfly! She is such a cool person! If I wasn't me, I would want to be friends with myself. Boy, that got confusing. Anyway, I'm really a delight to be around when I'm happy. I'm humorous, social, cute, and... tiny. It's well-known that I'm the shortest one in my friend group. This seems like a bad thing but it definitely has its benefits. I can go on people's backs, surprise hug, people will even just walk to me and pick me up. It makes me feel like a cat.
If you don't know me, I'm very submissive. I like being the girl in a relationship, as long as the guy or girl does not take advantage of it. I like being the small one, the feminine one, or the one who gets cuddled. It makes me feel really loved. Someone snaking their arm around me, with my consent of course, just makes me feel warm and protected.
My dark side doesn't really come out much around people, but when it does, people tend to ignore it. Only Ginger and Jason really notice, but they're also hypersensitive of any sadness in my voice. It's like their ears are radars, just waiting for sadness to show up on their radars. They're really nice, but I'm scared to feel sad around them. The worst thing I can do is hurt someone's feelings or make them sad just because I want to be alone. I want them to be my friend, but I always feel like I am walking on eggshells with them. I treat them like glass because they're fragile and I would never forgive myself if I were to break them.
When I'm in my room, clouded with isolation, and alone with my thoughts is when I feel the worst. I always look at my day from a negative perspective and end up crying myself to sleep. I hate everything so much and I want it to end. I hate myself, I hate Jason, I hate AJ, I hate Phoenix, I even start to hate Chevrolet, Catwalk, Ginger, and Rebel. At that time, I always feel so low. I started to get really close to cutting but I realized my infusions were every six weeks, so I couldn't cut without being seen. I wasn't okay with how I was hating myself every night. So one day, I decided to come up with a system.
I took a small makeup box I would never use and a stack of index cards. I wrote all my flaws and insecurities down until I grew tired. Then I locked them in a box and didn't read them until the next night. It's really nice actually. I forget everything bad about me for 18 hours.
It's better than cutting, even though I cut recently.
Hey! I was clean for a long time! Give me a break. And it was during a panic attack. I mean I've had a panic attack where I cut my hair, you could only assume my arm was next.
So things have been good for the most part. I have straight A's and although I wish I can leave. College is so near!! Although it seems hard, I just desperate for freedom. Agh.
I also met another bisexual. Well, I met a few but this one is really cuddly around me and I'm not okay with it.
I have to go because it is 2:30 in the morning.
#hashtag
Sincerely me
