Keep me Sane N.H.

Journal entry

Monday, January 6th

We were handed our results for the first semester today. My grades weren't perfect, but they were good enough to get me through the year. I didn't take pleasure in school work. I mean why would I? There is no point to any of this. I pretty much just did what I was told, homework had to be done, and tests/exams need to be studied for. But my belief that school served no purpose to me revealed in a lack of effort. I didn't try my hardest like I should be. I did what I could to be able to move on.

My parents always nagged about my grades. First is how they believe I'm a failure and eventually leading on how I should look at my brother as a role model. "Why can't you have grades like your brother?" I hated when they said that. It made me feel like all they really wanted was an exact replica of him. Everything I did wasn't enough for my parents. Every time we were given our results I feared to show my parents. While my brother, on the other hand, couldn't wait to show them how good his grades were. It was like he was doing it on purpose. He tries to want to be the good one, so that my parents focus on him and leave me out of their minds, but I'm eventually reeled back in. I hope one day they will see him as he really is: an imperfect child.

On good nights, I would cry myself to sleep. I usually didn't sleep much though. Constantly thinking at the thought where my life turned. Where in the world did I go wrong? Yet these thoughts I just want answers to, are never answered. Always left in mystery. It always brought me down. They were reminders of the scars hidden behind my sleeve.

In the beginning of the school year I always promised myself to learn more and get better grades but I couldn't. it was all I could get, neutral grades. I get too distracted by everything, mostly by films, music or books. I tried to focus on school but it got me more depressed than ever. I can't satisfy my parents because everything I do, my brother can do better. That's what they want 'the best'. At parent evenings my parents would tell my teachers that I was doing all I could and that it was good enough to go to the next year, they always lied. They asked the teachers to give me time because I haven't been myself since the incident.

I never hid who I was. It's just that they were so caught up with my brother, I pretty much stood in his shadow. My brother is two damn years older than me, in university, and he can't seem to give me a damn break with his perfection.

Last year when my brother graduated, I watched how happy my parents were, how proud they were. I cried and cried because my parents would never be proud on me as they are on my brother. I would never see the proud look on their face when they see my results.

I would constantly make up excuses just to get out off the class. Get out of the room full of people who hate me, who I hate. People who had no reason to live and yet treating me like I didn't have one either. School is just hell. I don't want to be here. Not only school but just the world.

No one would miss me if I would run away or... suicide. The thought about it lingers in my mind. Suicide. Something in my mind chanted to do it. That way everyone got rid of me. No one cared for me anyway. I don't matter. I didn't have a purpose in my live. I can't wait to get away from my parents. Get away from everyone. I just want the chest pain to be over. I wanted to feel something else. Not the pain bully's give but self harm... God, I need it now...

-Avery

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