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*Sorry in advanced to any tears shed during the reading of this chapter. And not trying to romanticize mental illness.
I could still hear him, it was terrible that I could. It was the morning after the night with his family and I hated myself for even considering going. We had this dumb squabble on our way to my house when he was taking me home that last night. Like I said, I think the Losers have all kinda grown apart, I mean we hang out but not like we used to. I didn't really have anyone to then to. So anyways, back to before.
I could still hear him even though I had my headphones from my Walkman covering my ears. The music flooded my ear canals but I still heard all of the curses he brought into the world through his mouth. Then I made a mistake, I snapped.
"I am getting so sick and tired of your dumb ideas!" I snapped at him standing up to make him follow. Great thing my mom was out. Was I really tired of them or did I just miss the eighth grade, things were simpler.
"Well at least I'm trying, im not spending my day talking to millions of guys like some whore!" He was referring to how Chase had invited me to the school library to work on something one day. He hated Chase, I'm starting to hate Chase.
"Well you're the one who's always so worried about me but never tried to make the time to be with me!" I need to stop screaming, but was I really all that wrong? We have grown apart, Bev used to tell tales about how in love with me he was, now I think he's coming to his senses.
"Ugh, this is why I hate you!" My heart dropped, it fell all the way to a place of darkness and I wish it was bright enough for me to search for it.
I guess Richie realized what he said, he started to stammer as my mouth fell agape and my body froze. He kept saying 'I'm sorry', he even held my waist and brought me closer to him but I just stared at him in shock. Finally he muttered the apology once more and then left. My dad left....
I just let tears Well up in my eyes, they never fell though. They didn't fall when I started to listen to my Walkman again, they didn't fall when I traveled up the stairs, they didn't even fall when I pulled a chair up to my window to look at the bright setting sun of Derry.
Dad left.
Mom's gone.
Richie hates me.
Richie left.
A sudden person found their way into my mind, I felt so awful. I mean, how could I forget about him...
I thought about him all try way until I reached him house. There were no cars in the driveway or out on the street in front of his house. The house was dark and no sound came from it, maybe they left?
I still wandered about him, something told me to keep going, it was a voice that whispered in the back of my head. It sounded like my dad. I sniffed and jiggled the doorknob in anticipation, I finally opened it after a moment and stepped into the quiet house. My house must be this quiet right about now. I wish my mind was. I looked around the Uris household for any sign of an actual life form. So far nothing, I almost decided upon turning back and leaving, turns out there was someone here.
I could hear water swishing from upstairs, it was faint and almost unrecognizable but it was there, it existed. For a reason so heart wrenching that it will bring tears to your eyes.
I traveled up the stairs and hoped that it would be Stan. I stopped at what I assumed to be the bathroom, "Hello, Stan?" Everything went silent once more. It scare me, it yelled at me, all of it yelled at me.
Open this door.
Why'd you have to fuck up?
Be a better daughter.
Be a better girlfriend.
You don't have friends.
It was all too much, I couldn't answer a solution to every scream that pounded through my head but I could answer one of them. I took a deep breath that would later help me from passing out once I opened this door, then I did it. It wasn't even locked, I gave the dot one good push and there revealed him. Stanley Uris, pondering while sitting on the closed lid of the toilet.
He held I blade that looked as if it came from a razor in his hand. I hugged loudly at the sight. He didn't even look a me, it was like he was already dead in the brain, his heart was here though. That's what I wanted to talk to.
My approach was to speak as if we weren't in the situation we were in but I didn't have any words. Stan deserves more. I guess he sensed my uneasiness and spoke before I could. I was grateful for that, I was grateful for him, I wish he saw that.
"I've thought about doing it." He spoke which made me cry, I didn't even know why I did it. Maybe it was the thought of being alone. I felt so... by myself. In a trapped head space.
I took a deep breath, "if you do can I join the party, would you still invite me?" I asked shakily. I tried to reach for the sharp metal but he pulled I away from me, almost slicing my finger tips.
"No, you don't deserve it..." he seemed so at price, it was heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking at how he he'd rather a blade in his hand before he accepted a friend's touch.
I sobbed, I was actually in hysterics and it probably didn't help his situation. I felt bad, maybe he thought this was some sort of guilt trip.
"Neither do you, but I can't loose you, Stan, I'm scared." The tears kept coming and Stan finally looked at me. Hardly any emotion in him, but still he was Stanley and I was glad I could see it.
"Of what..." he looked at me with furrowed brows and a quivering lip. Please don't cry...I can't take it...I don't want you to be gone too.
"Being alone, not in the literal sense but I feel so alone and I'm so so scared... of myself and what's racing through my head." I heaved and he was there to hold my hand as I let the tears fall.
"We'll get through this." He said as his thumb ran over y knuckles. I calmed my sobs down to frequent hiccups— interruptions in my breathing.
"Together?" I asked brokenly through the hiccups.
"Together." He nodded, never smiled, his eyes were dark and he looked the way he sounds. I knew we weren't really gonna get through. This together, that's not how these work. You can't promise that you'll always have someone and that will 'magically' make you better. You have to work hard, so there will come a day that one of us will be a bit better than we are now and the other won't, maybe even worse, but that's okay. Life happens, I've changed, he's changed, Arrchie-ville is crumbling and it's okay. People change.
