Limerence (Chaelisa)

Chapter 9: I Could Never Hate You

The next time Lisa and I see each other again is at work.

"Hey," Lisa calls out to me as the shop's front door closes behind me after I walk in.

She has that usual smile on her face.

"Hi," I mumble back.

I'm about to walk into the kitchen and that's when she decides to bring it up.

"About the, uh, accidental, um, kiss that happened the other day at the mall..."

I turn around and send her a harsh glare to which I notice her slightly wince back at. "What about it? It was accidental."

"Well, yeah, obviously," Lisa says. "Why would we purposely do that."

"We wouldn't."

"Yeah, we wouldn't."

And then it's just silence.

I don't think I've ever been in such an awkward situation. Even the actual kiss with her wasn't as awkward as this. Mostly because I just ran straight away afterward.

What was Lisa's point of bringing up that kiss in the first place?

As if reading my thoughts, Lisa says, "I just thought I would bring it up since I knew you wouldn't."

Lisa's right. I wouldn't have brought it up.

"I know you have a tendency to ignore things you don't like," Lisa continues.

Right again.

"Whether it'd be a person or your feelings."

Lisa still knows me so well.

"And that's why you ignore me. Because you dislike me," Lisa says.

I don't dislike you. In fact, I actually really, really, really, really, really like you.

I just dislike how I have romantic feelings for you so I try to ignore those feelings but if I'm around you those feelings will only continue to grow when I don't want them to. And that means that in order for me to stop liking you in a romantic way, I need to stop seeing you because everything you do only makes me fall even deeper in love with you.

Oh, how much I want to actually say those words to Lisa. If those words even make sense. To be honest, nothing really makes sense if you're life is as fucked up as I am.

All I know is that I like Lisa when I'm not supposed to and Lisa doesn't know how I actually feel about her.

"Am I right?" Lisa asks. "You ignore me because you dislike me?"

Lisa's not really right about that but I have no intention of correcting her and confessing my feelings so I nod and go with it.

"Okay, so what do you dislike about me?"

I hate how you make me fall in love with you.

"I just dislike you," I lie. "Stop trying to dig into it."

"But your hate for me just seems so illogical. Like there's no reason for you to be hating on me. Like you don't actually hate me. You just say you do but you don't."

Oh no.

Lisa's figuring it out.

She's finally seeing past all my lies.

Why.

Why now.

"I do hate you."

"You're lying," Lisa says. She's determined.

"Why would I lie?"

Lisa falls silent. "People lie to cover up the truth. So what's the truth, Chaeyoung?"

THE TRUTH IS THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU BUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU IS WRONG.

Should I just tell her?

No, I can't. I can't ruin Lisa's innocence like that.

"Lisa," I heave a sigh. "Please just leave me alone. You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"And you have no idea how much you're making me hurt. Chaeyoung, I miss you. You don't hate me. I know you don't. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to us? Why did you ruin us?"

Lisa is crying. And oh shit, Lisa's contagious because I find my eyes starting to get watery too.

"I didn't want to ruin us. It just had to happen. You don't understand. You never will." My heart is beating so fast right now. Lisa is so close to finding out the truth about who I really am.

"So tell me, Chaeyoung. Make me understand."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll hate me." I find myself walking away.

Lisa tries to stop me by grabbing onto my hand.

"I won't hate you. I could never hate you. Please, Chaeyoung," she says.

I can hear how confident she sounds when she says that she won't hate me. She doesn't even know that she's lying to herself.

I shake off her hand.

"Go away," I mutter. "Just leave me alone. I quit this job. Don't talk to me. I don't want you in my life."

And then—like the coward that I am—I leave.

author's note: i haven't updated in who knows how long i'm sorry. i just have no motivation ahhhHHH. i hate this chapter so much, writer's block sucks.