All of the Stars

Part 12: Revive

Kylo sat with his legs stretched out in front of him in the corner of the room.

Around him various machines whirred and blinked. His hair messily hung in strands around his face. His eyes were closed but he was awake, breathing deeply through his nose.

His hands were clasped in tight fists in his lap, for once he wasn't wearing gloves. Brown dried blood covered his hands and clothing, it caked under his fingernails.

Kylo snapped his eyes open and looked into his lap, staring at the blood.

Y/N.

He stood up suddenly, swaying as he put weight on his legs for the first time in hours.

He placed his hand on the wall and then notices the blood encrusting it and quickly withdraws it with a hiss.

He stumbles towards the sink; the blood is hard to see on his dark clothes, but it covers it in a shadow.

He clutches the basin for support and then turns on the tap, his hands work in a frenzy, scrubbing until the water turns red.

He clenches his teeth as his chest heaves with tears that don't fall.

His hands are going red and raw, but the pain doesn't stop him. Steam begins to rise as the water becoming scorching, but he continues to scrub, tearing at his palms with his nails, leaving deep gauges, crossing over one another as more and more are made, deeper and deeper until barely any skin is left that isn't raw or bleeding.

Kylo bends over the basin, retching as the water continues to flow from the taps, his bleeding hands clasping at his stomach as a pain unrelated to his heaving stabs at him. He looks up into the mirror, seeing the bags under his eyes, not disguised by the red puffing from his frustrated tears.

His skin looked grey and stretched.

Closing his eyes, he blindly reaches out, ignoring the sharp stinging of his hands as he shuts off the water and then inches down the wall, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his forehead on them, taking deep, long breaths.

The memory of the fight was burnt into Kylo's mind like a hot poker had been pushed into his brain, imprinting it for eternity.

I made her do that

He hissed to himself, the guilt was killing him and yet he couldn't bring himself to care. All that was on his mind, consuming him, was you.

He knew what he had said was petty, he hadn't realized to what extent you hated your life with the First Order. He knew that it was often brutal how new workers were brought to the Order, but he had thought you were okay, he had thought you were happy.

Happy with me. He thought bitterly.

Kylo lifted his head and moved to rub his eyes with his hands before stopping himself, inspecting the damage he had made. He looked into it with tired eyes.

He didn't remember when he had last slept. Or eaten.

It didn't matter, either way, sleeping without you wasn't sleep anyway, it was attempting to pass time in a life that Kylo didn't want. A way to keep him locked into living in a world that was a nightmare.

All that had changed with you in his life. You let him have hope, you let him see that everything could change, he could change. And have a life.

But that had been taken away.

Almost.

A voice in his mind so quiet it was almost not there at all spoke.

Kylo looked up, his heart suddenly beating faster, he hadn't heard anything for hours.