We Will Meet Again

are you afraid

CHAPTER18
CPOV
I feel like someone took something from my chest and replaced it with nothing but pain. It has been a week now. Albeit I thought this period that I don't have Teddy would when I would try to discover I much better version of me, but all I feel is nothing but excruciating pain and overwhelming misery.
Maybe it is true; it is just that I have not recognized it. Countless people I have chanting this for years but I never understood. Maybe I am a monster.
Why didn't I listen to my child when he tried talking to me?
Why didn't I at least investigate, believe him at least?
This proves that I am a monster. A hundred and one percent for that matter!
When I gathered enough courage to face Elena about the accusation, I was instantaneously turned to a coward the split second I saw her silhouette.
I am such a fucking failure. A...
Fucking hell! There are no words in existence to describe the kind of paint I am.
Poor Grace. She is by herself, drowning herself in her sea of tears. I cannot blame her, or Ana for that matter, otherwise I would Satan incarnate. The joy that was once imminent inside the walls of Grey Residence, has disintegrated into thin air. The disgusted looks they lash me with break me apart down to the last cell in my body.
Need I say more to convince you that indeed, with no doubt, that yes I am a monster, the big bad wolf? Always has and forever I shall be.
I gaze at Ana and Theodore as they sit by the lake, admiring the beauty of nature as spring drags. I am overwhelmed by numerous feelings. To be truthful they are not by any definition good. Yet I still look at them with the longing to be in their company, and strangely, for us to be like a family.
Holy mother of Jesus- help me I think I am submitting myself more to insanity! It would be a miracle for us to be a family, a happy one for that matter.
Tears scorch in my eyes but I hold them back. I collapse to the lush green grass, seeing all of my life flash between my eyes.
Have I ever done good in my pitiful life that the crack whore wonderfully laid out for me? I should have ended my life that day, no one would ever remember me. I can imagine it, a glamorous party to celebrate the non-existence of one Christian Grey.
I should have taken those pills and none of this could have happened. If Ana didn't interrupt me, I could be... dead...
#*#*
It is now official, I am now a stalker. Watching over Ana and Theodore has become an obsession. The pain that suffocates me is much more greater than having not to see Theodore. It soothes in way watching over them, also having it to slowly kill me.
The sun has long gone and I cant bring myself to go. It is now nine in the evening. Theo would have been asleep by this time. I wonder what he is doing now. Is he asleep or playing with his toys? Is Ana reading her a story? My mind is flooding with 'what ifs' and I cant bring myself to stop. And all this I am wondering as I stand at the side of their apartment block, watching the window of their room. The apartment is not ideal, but what of reason should even attempt to think of it since I am not living there.
What about Teddy? Why do now care more about him now?
I sit down on the concrete door, a couple feet from the dustbins. It commences to rain and I have no care should I get soaked or not. What is there to care about now? GEH is not my place of solace any more. My company is practically hanging in the shoulders of my right hand.
I am pulled from my dreamless sleep by a light tap on my shoulder and a part of me just wishes that all of this was once a lie. A second later, I am engulfed by a blanket. I open my eyes to see who it is. Maybe it is an angel to take me to heaven. When eyes clear to see who it is I snap into panic mode, the remnants of sleep fading.
"I am so sorry. I shouldn't be here." I ramble, running my hands through my wet hair. She watches me in wonder with a smile on her face.
"But..."
"But what?"
"You are here. Damn Grey...!" she laughs at me as she approaches me. "You shouldn't be outside. Its cold." I don't answer her.
"come," she reaches out her hand. It would be an understatement of the day to say that I am not afraid. I am literally trembling, both from the cold and from fear. I am a mess. I look at her hand, tempting me to take it. Sensing the fear, she wraps her arms around my lower back and guides me to her apartment building.
The journey is quiet. Ana is lost in her own world around that the pretty head of hers. And me? Well I am busy admiring the beauty that is her - inside and out.
She opens the door and Theo comes rushing to us. He stops midway when the moment he sees me. He rubs his eyes as if not believing what he sees.
"Ana. IS that dad?" Theo asks and I could sense the anxiety seeping out of Ana.
"Yes," she smiles.
Theodore's demeanor changes lightning speed. The joy I momentarily witnessed was replace with pure hatred. Theo came charging towards me and began hitting me. Each blow is more painful than the other taking into account the pain I have felt for the past week. Ana rushes towards us and tries to separate Theo from me. Her attempts are futile.
"Teddy stop," she says softly, but Theo doesn't pay her any time of day.
"Theodore Grey STOP!" she commands in a hushed tone, the command ringing perfectly clear. Theo quickly stops and bows her head.
"Come here darling, I am not going to hurt you. Come here." Theo walks to her. She kneels on the floor and continues, raising his chin so that he can look at her. "Look at me darling. I would never hurt you like she did. I would rather kill myself. And your father... yes he is here. I was so shocked when I saw him and I bet you are too but you don't have to hit me. I know and understand that you are hurt but sometimes violence doesn't help."
"But Ana, she has to let go of the anger." I mumble.
She rolls her eyes and says, "As if. Violence leads to more violence, and Teddy I don't want you to do that as you will be starting a chain reaction that will be hard to stop. Teddy I have come to care about you and I don't want you to go down that path, I love you too much.
"Yes your father hurt you again, try talking to him but don't hide the pain. Tell me how he hurt you and how you feel. Lay on the table what you want and its his choice whether he accepts that and respect his decision. Im sorry, that is how the world works."
"He hurt me." Theo speaks in a sullen tone.
"I know darling." Theodore clutches Ana and weeps.
I stand aside amazed and sad. I have done more damage than I have ever I imagined.
Ana carries Theo to a room down the hall whilst I remain rooted the floor. Ana returns with her arms wrapped around her and stands in front of me.
"Hi." she says, offering me her hand.
"Hi," I respond confused, shaking her hand. "I'm confused."
"Don't you like a new beginning?"
New beginning, for me? Ha, the world would stop spinning.
"Impossible."
"Maybe its just that you haven't tried it." she pouts her pink lips and I laugh for the first time in days.
"Trust me I have. Countlessly."
"Then you have done it all wrong."
"Are you a shrink? I am already dealing with a crappy one," I mutter with no thought.
"Don't shit with me Grey." she gives me a pointed look and I blush for the first time in years. She takes a blanket from the black sofa and wraps me around me. I watch her, amazed, as if she was an angel that fell from heaven... We both sit down and start to talk.
"Why," she whispers in disbelief, "Why didn't you come earlier?"
I feel my mouth moving yet no voice comes. Her eyes are locked on me, patiently sitting waiting for me. Silence drags on with neither of us speaking.
"You were afraid weren't you? You were afraid even afraid when I came to talk to you at GEH about Teddy-"
"Teddy?"
"I call him Teddy. he looks like a Teddy bear."
"Admit it."
"I am never afraid Ana." I say pointedly.
"Liar," she whispers, "You are even afraid to admit so. Fear can kill when you keep entertaining it and when you wont admit its there."
"What do you know about fear," I stand and start to pace the room. Jesus! This woman is a piece of work.
Ignoring me, she continues, "I saw you in my dreams a month back. In your place I saw a scared little boy."
"Ana..." I say as a warning.
Disregarding me again, she continues, "You are one scared motherfucker." She says mockingly.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP," I roar, panic setting in. I feel rushing to my ears, my hands sweating, my heartbeat frantic. i can sense myself collapsing. I refuse to give her the satisfaction.
"Whatever," she says to my face.
"Stop being a sissy." I mock her.
She pauses and places her hands on her hips for a full ten seconds then says, "Well Grey, I have got to hand it down to you. You have a top notch vocabulary, I feel like you are still short of something and I know what it is. Do you wanna guess?"
When I responded with a glare and huff, she rolled her eyes, making my hand twitch. Its like I could bend her over and....
Damnit Grey! This is not the time and place!
"Is that all you got, you are such a wimp. Mr. Grey, you have to grow some balls. You are lacking in that department."
The moment she dropped the bomb, she turned and went to the kitchen, she left an appalled man.
Its like I could laugh and yell at the same time. I feel insulted and stupefied. My left hand goes on its journey and goes to my groin. My testicles feel heavy on my hand and I have to wonder how big does Ana want them to be. Is she in need of a big dick? She doesn't have to search for one as I have already have one, weighing heavily between my legs...