We Will Meet Again

first stage of healing

CHAPTER 19
CPOV
I eat my food in silence as Ana watches a show on TV. Theo comes to join us wearing his pajamas and goes to sit next to Ana. I ignore the pang in my chest as I see the two interact.
I denied Theo the joy of having a mother. Even though I had a shitty mother earlier on in my life, all things became clearer when Grace accepted me in her family as she accepted me like her own child.
Theo did not get that chance. Even if having the opportunity of being with my family some other days, he needs a mother that will give him the loving he deserves.
I can see the change in Theo since he has been here with Ana for a week now. He is much lighter and freer than when he is when he was with me.
I even denied him the chance of having a decent father as he still have one unlike his mother who died days within having Theo. I was never at home. I found solace being at GEH than to be with my son. But as I analyze my life. I was only fooling myself and look where my lies have led me.
Theo puts his head on top of Ana's thigh and she brushes his hair with her fingers. I am jealous- deadly jealous.
I know I have a fear of touching but... but... Ayayayi! I don't know what to say. I want to make myself a better person for my son. Maybe that is why I saw Ana that day when I wanted to kill myself. It was meant to be.
"Christian," she says, her voice soft, "Could you carry Theo to his room please." my mouth clamps shut how do I tell her I am afraid of carrying my child. You could...
"I can't," I finally admit and sit down next to her. "I have a fear of touching."
I hear Ana gasp. She reaches for the remote, turns the TV off, and looks at me.
"Why and where?" she whispers, shocked. Her reaction baffles me. I thought she would ridicule me like a handful have done.
"My back and chest."
"Have you ever carried Teddy in your arms?" I shake my head in disagreement. A see a lone tear falling delicately falling down her beautiful face. I get off from my sit and crouch down in front of her, minding Theo.
"Don't cry for me Ana. You didn't do it."
"Do what?"
I mentally kick myself as she continues to probe me. How can I tell her about my childhood without her ever looking down on you? You may never know people. One time they are like this, the other time another song.
"Ana I didn't have a pleasant childhood until the Grey's adopted me," I give her the scope.
"I'm sorry for that Christian. Teddy is your child. He needs you. He doesn't have a mother and he needs you, more now than ever. You have to grow up Christian and face your fears because your child needs you. Since you had a bad childhood, don't descend the unhappiness of it to your son. He doesn't deserve this."
I nod as she is right in many things. "So how could I conquer my fear of touch? It doesn't happen overnight Ana."
"You don't to carry him. Give him the love he needs. Try spending time with him instead of him and his CPOs. They are not his parents and especially since he still has one."
I look down to Theo and brush his hair. His is my look alike and he looks so cute.
"I will carry him to his room," Ana says standing up, him safely tucked under Ana's arms. She carries him down the hall until she reaches his room. It is like an ordinary room not filled with children's decorations but the toys scattered around the room prove that this is a child's room. She lays him on his bed and turns to leave and whispers in my ear as she says,
"Talk to him, tuck him in. I don't know." With that, she is out.
I sit down one of the chairs in the room and look towards him and think more about this past few days. I wonder what Elena was doing with my son. So now, I care. So now, I care.
"So now you care," I hear a voice whispered. I look at Theo and see that he is awake. Did he ever sleep? I ask him that and he shakes his head negatively,
"No dad. I heard what you said to Ana earlier. Why can't you touch me? Why can't I touch you.?" he whispers.
"Theo, it is complicated."
"But dad I want to understand. I am quite smart for an eight year old. Try me."
"Theodore please." I beg him but he is not having it.
"No dad. Everything is happening because of you. Because you are such an ass."
"Theodore don't cuss, especially to me." I command in a low voice.
"What are you going to do, beat me up as Aunt Elena did? You were never there for me and it hurts since you don't believe me."
"But I believe you!" I plea to him earnestly for the first time today.
Theodore begins to cry and I feel like crying also. I hold back my tears and approach him and sit down next to. I stroke his copper locks. He moves to touch me and I ask him to not touch my back and chest. he nods and locks his small arms around my neck and we move together sharing our pain together.
"I'm so sorry Theo." he nods and we lie together in the queen sized bed.
"You know Ana calls me Teddy," he says triumphant. "She says I look so cute to her. Do I look cute daddy?" I laugh at what he has just said.
"Men are not cute." We laugh together.
"You know Theo, I regret everything that has happened. I hope you can give me a chance. Ana nearly had my ass up there," I chuckle.
"Dad, stop cussing. Ana punishes us when we say bad words in class."
"Does she?"
"Yeah. And dad, they are not nice."
"Well Ms. Steele is not here."
We continued to talk about everything that came to mind and I have to admit I feel freer and positive than I have ever been. I feel things going in the right place.
Later on, I hear the door open and Ana envelops me and Theo with a blanket and leaves. I hope she doesn't me staying. I can positively say things are actually the right way!
*#*#
I wake up with a start. I feel rested and I didn't have any nightmare. I turn to look for Theo aside of me but he is gone, A nice smell of bacon and pancakes gets me off the bed and takes me to the kitchen. I find the table made up filled with lots of food. When I turn to look at them, I see their clothes messy like the kitchen I just walked in. I was like a bomb exploded in here. Ana approaches me and I say the first thing that I spent the remainder of yesterday about.
"Can I stay?" I ask. Ana nods and says,
"Yep, who is going to eat all this food?" she laughs.
"I mean like longer like sleeping here. I promise I wont be a bother." Ana raises her eyebrow and gapes at me. Holy shit, how am I going to convince her?