ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏ ᴏɴᴇ || ｐｊｍ

- ｆｏｕｒ

jimin-ah,

remember namjoon once said 'how much tongue is what makes a difference between a kiss and a peck'? your reaction was funny. you always shook your head like what he said had scarred you.

you know. he tried to find me. called me again and again and messaged me over and over if i was okay, if something was wrong. but the only thing wrong was me. and that was the only explanation. after a while i started declining his calls to make a point. he called for weeks, every day. i wondered when he would quit. he finally did after fifty two days. namjoon never quits on anyone. but he quitted on me.

i don't know how many of the others know this. but hoseok...he came to find me too, but in person. stood knocking outside my apartment for two hours and started doing his screaming high-pitched voice and making noises so i had to open the door before someone called the police. he knew i was inside. i'd been listening to our favourite songs and he'd heard it. he pushed me, not physically, but asked, over and over again. you're listening to the playlist you made with jimin. you miss him. come back. why are you doing this? what's wrong?

it's like i can still hear him now.

we'll help you. whatever it is, we'll do this together. we can do this. bangtan always does it together. what is it that namjoon always says? teamwork makes the dream work. dongsaeng ah, we can't do that without you anymore.

i told him to go away. i yelled at him. and when he wouldn't and he asked what was going on, why was this happening, i said some horrible things. he got angry. and i've never seen hobi get angry. he told me what had happened; what you'd done. that's when you know you've done something really bad - when a happy person gets angry. it's the only thing worse than a happy person being sad. and i was scared of him then. i never thought i could be.

i'll never be able to erase the look on his face then. the look of disgust. the look that said that everything he thought i was was actually a lie. that he couldn't believe it. that he was disappointed. and he said to me that he wouldn't tell you he had come to find me, or what i'd done. because it'd hurt you so much more if you knew.

sometimes i also think about how he'd spared me from the details at the beginning. how he'd been kind-hearted and funny, doing that squealy aegyo voice he does to force me to open the door. he asked me what was wrong instead of shouting at me. i think about how in his mind all he could have been thinking was your face and what you'd been so close to doing.

it would have been better if he'd told you. i didn't deserve him not telling you. but now you know. i was never a good person, jimin. i'm glad i left when i still could.

best wishes,

kimbap