Philophobia: A GerIta story

Chapter 12: Feliciano

Staying at Ludwig's has been...so amazing.

It's my second full day, but yesterday Lovi called and said they will likely be gone for a week and a half! Even more time than I thought to spend with Ludwig!

Which lead to me making sure with Ludwig that is was okay if I stayed that long, if not I could go with Arthur and Francis or Michelle and Camille, but Lud told me multiple times that it will be fine, he emitted that he sometimes get a little lonely while alone.

Well, alone other than his dogs, who Ludwig say love me more than him!

But that isn't true, they love Lud much more than me, I am just a guest in their house.

Matthew and Gilbert left yesterday at around six, and since Lud and I went to bed at eight, we haven't truely been alone together very long.

Right now it's ten in the morning, I woke up maybe fifteen minutes ago, and Noodle is laying next to me as I listen to some music on my phone, humming along. I didn't sleep very well, nightmares and such, but Noodle woke me up before they could get too bad, after waking up for the fourth time I just put my headphones in, which distract my mind.

"Feli?" I hear, although the voice only barely goes through my headphones.

I take them out, "yeah?" I call out, really hoping it's Lud. I mean, who else would it be? But it's always possible that he found me again, oh god...what he got to Lud and is now back for me?!

"It's Ludwig, do you mind if I come in?" Oh thank God, it is Ludwig.

"Yeah that's okay!" I reply, sitting up, turning my head to the left as I hear him open the door.

"I figured you might want to- oh my god!" He yells, my eyes widen, I uselessly look around in a panic.

"What?!" I scream, mind coming up with the worst possible situations possible.

"You're nude!" Lud exclaims in horror, I stop moving, processing what he just said.

My hand runs down my body, landing at my thighs, which have nothing on them.

"Oh...it seems I am..." he doesn't say anything, I begin chuckling, but it quickly becomes loud, likely quite ugly, laughing.

"Why...Why are you laughing?" He asks, I hear him walk slowly over (the creek in the floor boards under the carpet give him away), but I have to calm myself before I can reply, first I cover my legs with the blanket before I can even think of stopping though.

"Sorry, I should have warned you about that...I sleep naked, and if I don't I end up taking off my clothes during the night without realizing it, they can end up anywhere," I pause, looking around the room to no result, "speaking of that, where did my clothes go?"

Ludwig doesn't reply for a moment, but regains his composure soon enough, "I-I...well your shirt is next to the bed on the floor," a piece of fabric, my shirt, is placed in my lap, "your pants made it to the oppisite corner of the bed...and your, um, underwear is on the dresser."

I hum, throwing on my shirt and night pants plus underwear when Ludwig hands them to me, "darn, you know Lud, once my shirt ended up in the toilet, granted I was sleepwalking at that time...but I stopped sleepwalking a few months ago so you don't need to worry about that."

Ludwig doesn't reply, I grab my stick since Noodle isn't geared up (I don't typically use her for guide when we're inside), moving it along the floor by tapping it, my prefered method. Some people use it by just gliding it across the floor, but I don't really like do it like that, I feel like it takes more concentration? I don't know how to explain it really.

"So what were you wondering before we realized I was naked?" I ask, hitting his bare foot, "oops, sorry about that Lud," I giggle, as this is the third time its happened since I got here, which scared him the first time, but hasn't since.

"Oh um, I was wondering if you wanted to help me make breakfast? I good at eggs...but if I try an omelette it will turn into scrambled eggs, so don't tell me to do that..." we exit the room I've been claiming since Matthew and Gilbert left, Lud walking a bit behind me so I can use my cane without hitting him, again.

"Oh that sounds great! I can make cinnamon rolls, french toast, pancakes, but Lovi doesn't trust me with making bacon since I once got burned by the oil, it hurt for awhile but grandpa Roma patched me right up!" I'm smiling, but at the end it turns pained, "Grandpa Roma died a few years ago you see, I really miss him, me and Lovi both do, we lived with him until Lovi was 18 and I was 19. I wanted to stay with him forever, but he died, so I moved in with Toni and Lovi in their house, Grandpa Roma was the one that gave us the money for our cafe you know..."

A rough, but so gentle at the same time, hand lightly squeezed my shoulder, I lay my own, much smaller, hand over it, we both stop our walking.

"I miss my grandfather too, Gil and I called him Opa though, it's the German word for grandpa," Lud tells me, I smile softly.

"I would love to learn German, some people say it sounds scary...but it doesn't when the right people are speaking it, like you," I turn around, taking his hand that was on my shoulder and gripping it in my own, "German sounds nice when you speak it."

The silence that filled the sweet moment is ruined by my laugher when Lud gently moves my head farther to the left, "you were looking behind me Feli," he explains, joining in on my laugher, but his is much lighter and quieter than my own.

I gently hit his chest, "Ludwig! That was a sweet moment!" I pout, trying to turn back around, but Lud stops me midway.

"Then say it again...if you want to of course!" He says, letting go of my hand quickly.

I blink, but smile, turning to face him again.

"Okay, turn my head so I'm looking at you straight in the eyes," I command in the most authoritative voice I can managed, which doesn't exactly sound very authoritative now that i think about it...

He doesn't take notice, hesitantly holding my face in both of his hands, more gentle than before and slowly moving it, hopefully so I'm facing him.

"Okay." I smile, taking a deep breath.

"I would love to learn German some day, some people say it sounds scary and rough, demanding almost even if you are simply asking for some water...but it doesn't when the right people are speaking it, you're one of those people Ludwig, German sounds so wonderful and lovely when you speak it." We are silent, no one moving, I don't even look back we I hear dogs running through the dog door.

In a movie, this would be the point in which the two people kiss, and maybe a part of me wants this to be a movie, or a romance novel like the ones Lovi and Toni read.

But this isn't one of those.

This is the real world, a world where the two of us have PTSD that led us to being afriad of love and all that comes with it, led us to believe we weren't worthly of something nice like love or marriage or happiness, that we were nothing but dirty and used.

This is a world where life isn't perfect, a world where nothing can hurt you because in the end you get your 'happily ever after'.

This is reality, a nightmare of depression, flashbacks, constant paranoia, and thoughts that are too loud.

I may want Ludwig to love me, I may want him to want to spend the rest of our lives together happy and free from reality and all its pain, but Ludwig could never love someone like me.

No one could ever love me, and maybe one day I'll find acceptence in that.