Guarded

||fourteen||

I pull my hands away from his, tearing our eyes away from each other's gaze. I don't know how to react.

"Please don't freak out. I know how sensitive this subject is with you and that four months isn't a very long time to get to know someone, but I just wanted you to know I how I feel about you, Cassie." He places a hand on my arm, trying to comfort me. I quickly pull it away.

"Can we leave now?" I ask, already starting towards the car. I get in the passenger's side, not letting Niall open the door for me. I'm shocked. Nobody besides my own mother has told me that they love me. I don't know how to deal with this situation.

The car ride is silent for a while until Niall finally pipes up. "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm an idiot. I should've just kept it all inside. Now you probably think I'm some psycho stalker or something." I shake my head to tell him that it's okay and he did nothing wrong.

"I like when people are honest with me and that's exactly what you were doing." I shrug. "I've just never been in this situation before. That's all."

"So, we're good." He half smiles. I nod and force a small grin.

"Then if you don't mind my asking," he starts. "Why are you so guarded?"

"Some peoples' hearts are guarded for a reason."

"Yes." He nods. "But what is your reason?"

"I don't really-" What's the point in keeping it from him? "My dad," I sigh.

Niall raises his eyebrows, obviously expecting more of an answer. "My mum loved him, or at least she thought she did, and she was sure he was the one for her. They were madly in love, or so everybody thought, including themselves, thought. They had a large wedding and a wonderful long honeymoon and all that stuff. Then they had me. But mum couldn't have any more babies, and dad kept telling her it was all right and that it wasn't her fault, even though it was his dream to have three kids. One night, dad started coming home really late and then later each night that followed. One time, he just left for two weeks without even telling anybody where he was. He was always coming home angry or drunk and he kept yelling at us." A salty tear rolls down my cheek. "He filed for divorce, though mum didn't even understand why. She still loved him, I guess. Turns out, for the last six years of their marriage, dad had been cheating on her with some young waitress he met at a bar and had a whole separate family. He married the waitress and now he's just some rich old guy living in Burbank, California with his three kids and his trophy wife." I look up at Niall, who is gazing at me with bright blue, ocean colored eyes. He seems to be studying me. A nod of his head tells me he understands what I just explained, but he doesn't know what to say. "Ever since then, I was afraid of falling love. I've always wondered why people bother with love if it never lasts."

"You mean you are afraid of falling in love, right?" Niall asks.

I shake my head. "Not anymore."

"Why?" He quizzes.

"Because I found you." I bite my lip and look out the window. It's getting dark and it's starting to rain.

"Cassie Billoway, are you implying that-"

You can't just live your life guarded and alone.

"I'm in love with you." I look back at him, his eyes are wide. Niall's face suddenly lights up and his lips turn up into a large grin, making mine do the same.

We sit silence for the rest of the long car ride, both smiling and thinking about what just occurred. We pull up to my driveway, but decide to wait out the storm.

"So, what does this mean?" Niall asks me.

"What does what mean?"

"Y'know, we just kind of told each other that we're in love with each other," he says. "Are we like 'together' or are we still just friends?"

"Just friends." I smirk.

He scoffs. "What?"

"You haven't officially asked me out yet," I reply, mimicking Michaela before Jeremy and her got together.

Niall rolls his eyes. He sits up straight and looks into my brown eyes. "Cassie Billoway, will you be my girlfriend?"

I howl with laughter. "You-you sound like a little first grader!" I hold my stomach as I lean my head back and laugh some more. "Will you be my girlfriend?" I mimic a small child's voice. Niall looks at me with an expression that basically says 'I am so done.' "But yes, I will."

He smiles, his eyes twinkling. He leans over and plants a kiss on my cheek, giving me goosebumps. The rain has died down and I decide I should be getting to bed. Niall opens my car door and bows in front of me. I giggle and curtsy, thanking him in a sophisticated voice.

"Goodnight, babe." He smirks.

Out of instinct, I reply, "I'm not your-" He smirks at me with raised eyebrows. "Wait. Never mind. Goodnight, sweetie." I giggle and walk inside, waving back to him as I do.

"Honey, do you know what time it is?" My mother asks me with a firm voice.

"I did it, mum." I change the subject. "I admitted to myself and to Niall that I'm in love." I smile widely. "I have a boyfriend."

"That's great, sweetie. Now, do you know what time it is?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

I bring my shoulders up to my neck. "Is it tomorrow?" I try to smile.

"Yep. Now get to bed. You've got school tomorrow. You can tell me all about your little boyfriend in the morning." She pushes me towards the stairs.

I get changed into my pajamas and lay down in my soft, warm bed. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

-

"I told a boy I love him, mum. I actually said it. And I actually meant it. And he loves me, too." I explain all that happened last night to my mother over a bowl of cereal.

My mum's face is lit up with a smile. "I'm glad he makes you so happy. I like seeing you so happy, Cassidy."

"Thanks, mum. I like being happy." I return the smile.

"My little baby. She's got someone who loves her." My mum almost starts crying.

"Well now I have two people. I mean, you love me, right?"

"Of course I do. I was just so scared that when I was gone you'd be all alone without anybody to love because you guarded yourself and pushed away anybody who tried to get in. When Niall came to our house, oh, how I hoped he would be the one that changed your outlook on life. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked at you. Like you were an angel." She wipes a tear from her eye.

"Mum, why are you so emotional all of a sudden? And what do you mean by 'When you're gone?'" I ask her, resting my hand on hers.

"Cassidy, I didn't want to ever have to tell you this. I prayed after a few treatments that it would just go away." She shakes her head.

"What? What would go away?" I urge. She just shakes her head again. "Mum, tell me what's going on!"

"I have cancer, Cassidy."