Guarded

||seventeen||

It's happening. I'm getting hurt. I love my mum and now she's sick and we don't have money. I'm sad and upset and angry all at the same time. I don't know what to do.

I sit on the couch at 2:30am on a Saturday morning, looking at my mother's almost empty bank account and the ridiculously expensive hospital bills.

"I used to believe love is an awful thing," I call to Niall in the kitchen.

"Yeah? And how do you feel now?" He calls back.

"The same," I reply blankly. I hear the sound of a throat clearing and a simple, sort of hurt, 'Oh.'

"My father said he loved my mum. But that wasn't true. He left her and she got hurt. I love my mum and now I'm the one getting hurt." I almost add 'And it's inevitable that you or I will get hurt with this relationship of love,' but I stop myself.

Niall sits next to me on the couch and puts an arm around me. I fiddle with the medical bills in my hands, thinking, 'How the hell are we gonna pay for these?'

"Hey, Cassie." Niall gently kisses my temple. "I just want you to know that I love you so much. We'll never make your dad's mistakes. And I would never hurt you."

"You can't avoid the inevitable," I snap. I immediately regret the words as soon as they come out of my mouth.

He stands up. "Maybe I should get going," he sighs. I lightly grab his arm.

"No. Please don't go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Whatever, Cassidy. That's how you feel. And maybe you're right. Maybe it is inevitable. Maybe love is an awful thing. But I love you. I've told you endless times." He clenches his jaw and shakes his head, turning for the door. "Just remember, you can't live your life guarded and alone."

It is inevitable because it just happened. But we're both hurt.

He called me Cassidy. He never calls me Cassidy.

I stand in the living room, alone, completely still and completely quiet, except for the light breaths of my uneven sobs. The salty tears burn my eyes and blur my vision.

-

"What's going on with you and Niall? You guys haven't talked at all today," Emme interrogates me as we walk out to the parking lot.

"Nothing." I shake my head. "I'm just an idiot, that's all."

"You're not an idiot," she replies. "C'mon, we've known each other for like six months. You can tell me what's going on, Cass."

I stop in my tracks. "It's nothing, Emme," I snap. "I'm not gonna concern with my own personal problems." I quickly walk off to my car. I open the door and slump down in my seat.

There's a knock on my window. I turn to see a smiling Zayn waving at me. I return the wave and force the smallest smile possible.

"May I come in?" He asks, gesturing towards the door. I think about telling him to just buzz off, but instead, I simply nod. He gets into the passengers side of the car.

"What's wrong, Cassidy?" He asks.

"Nothing-I just-" I break down in tears. "My mum's got cancer, we don't have money for medical expenses, I just had a fight with my boyfriend, and, frankly, I'm not over my father cheating on my mum and leaving her." I choke on my words as I spill all my problems.

"Your mum's got cancer?" He asks, leaning in closer. I shake my head 'yes.' "I'm sorry to hear that," he says with a comforting tone.

We sit in silence for a few moments until Zayn finally says, "I don't like when you're sad, Cassidy."

"Yeah, well, get used to it." I shrug, wiping a tear from my face. "Why do you care anyway? We haven't talked in weeks and you've got a girlfriend."

"Just because we haven't talked doesn't mean I don't consider you as a friend. I don't like when my friends are upset," Zayn says.

"You didn't seem to care when you left me for that slut, Kyla, at the Disney dance," I snap.

Zayn falls silent and looks down at his hands.

"I-I'm sorry," I say after a few moments of silence. "I just- I'm going through a lot right now and I'm really stressed out. I barely have any self control anymore. That's why Niall and I got into a quarrel the other day."

"No, no. It's fine. I understand. I'll just leave you alone." He gets out of the car and gives me a small wave as he walks to his car.

I rest my head against the steering wheel and beat at it with one hand. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," I say with each hit. "God, look at me. I'm a mess. No money, barely any family, seventeen years old in New York who hasn't even started applying for colleges and graduation is like three weeks away. I'm such a stupid, poor, guarded, lonely idiot."

~

Sorry this is super short :-/

But Zayn's back ayy :-))))

Comment & vote maybe??? Ily

-Anna xo