A Recollection : Sincerely, me.

Soul Eatr

You look so skinny.. 

Did you gain weight?

These are the two things that I'll hear every time I encounter people. Or probably what people will think when they see me. 

It's always is. Isn't it? It's always whether I gain my weight or lose weight. 

They really think I got it all figured out. 

They think that God or whoever you believe created this world give me this body. This shape of flesh that carries my broken soul. 

If not... They would probably say, what's your secret?

It's nothing. 

Trust me, I wished it was nothing. 

It's not. I have a secret. 

A secret I've been longing to keep.

A secret that I wished I could just take it to the grave with me when I die. 

Sometimes it's easier to just buried the truth. 

Sometimes there are words better left unsaid. 

I'm sorry if I broke your heart at this point. 

But, your inner thoughts had broke me first. Which is kinda funny.. Since I'm already fucked up.

I like to think myself as a walnut, hard on the outside but so easy to snap in half. 

When my friends talked about ice cream and cakes,

I wanted to say, 207 and 321.

But I smiled instead. 

When someone urged me to have another piece of pizza and said, 

You're so skinny, have some.

I wanted to say, thank you. 

But I said, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Please someone define it for me. Cause' honestly I really don't know what it means.

I'm fine. But I fainted in class at noon. 

I'm fine. But I'm waiting in line to use the bathroom, then find myself with a hand stuck on my mouth and moments later i'm on my knees.

I felt pain, as the cold water washes my hands and I promised myself that this will be the last time. 

But tomorrow, I come crawling back. 

I knew it was wrong. 

But I felt strong, feeling so pretty. 

The times I spent looking myself in the mirror, 

The times I spent trying to fit my upper arms into a small circle between my thumb and index finger. 

The times I spent listening to my teacher in class, while my stomach growl along with the bell.

But by lunch, it was done. I felt silenced and numb. 

I felt so weak... Yet I felt so in control, of my own pain.

Then my friend started to noticed, have you been having trouble sleeping? You look like a dead person.  

Then it gets worse, when my mom started to noticed why I went down five sizes.

Then I started to see my friends stop eating lunch, because they think they're not skinny enough.

Don't tell me it's normal. 

Don't tell me it's a girl thing.

Because I see it every day in the halls, 

I see it in the mirror, and I see it in you. 

My mind and stomach have been fighting for years, driving me insane. 

All my heart wants is peace, just like I want another piece of that cheesecake.

So, I'm sorry I don't come with shocking before and after photos..

But I do know how many calories in that cheeseburger and milkshakes.

I do know how many breakfasts, lunches, dinners you have to skip every single day.

I know the amount of times a boy you think you love comments on your weight.

Until you realized, you can never truly love anyone until you love yourself.

And I know so damn well, it takes more than a month to break that habit.

Because it's been 3 years, and I'm still thinking about how much I ate. 

3 years ago, I told myself It's worth the fight, the pain shall pass and I'll be alright.

3 years ago, I felt pretty when I was empty.

But today, I feel beautiful inside and out when I'm full. I don't care if feeling this way worth your compliment or not. 

Today, I don't wanna know your inner thoughts about me. Cause' I'm no longer fucked up. Neither does my stomach.

Today I'm fixed.