A Recollection : Sincerely, me.

Affection

"Do you have a crush on someone?" 

"I don't know.." I said beneath my breath.

"So, you do like someone..!" 

Like. 
That 4 letters word is just a phrase. A word, commonly used in our everyday life. I used it almost every single day to expressed how I feel towards something.

But when I used it toward someone. Him. This 4 letters word seems to be no longer just a phrase, nor a word. It's really weird how this one person effects everything. If I think about it, he's just a human being, like me and everyone else. I could talk about this on and on.. And trust me, there will be no logical explanation when it comes to him. 

I like him. 

I refused to say it out loud. Because if I said it, somehow it feel so real yet unrealistic. 

Most of the time I ended it with 'ED'

Liked

Every time he ignore my text, or just treated me like how he treated other girls. Some days are even worse, when he seem to not acknowledge my existence even though I'm right there standing in front of him or seating beside him. 

My mind will automatically concludes that he's just not interested.  

So, I'll just move on. Another one bites the dust. 

I'll try to convince myself that I don't like you anymore. That's just my way to deal with the pain that my heart aches. Especially, when he doesn't know it. 

But, if i'm being completely honest the feeling is pretty much present.

Here I am, weeks in. He's still the muse for my writings. He's still there, in the crook of my thoughts.

Liking him is like a one man journey. 

Until I decide to stop being such a bitch and muster up the courage to tell him. 

But I haven't gotten to that stage yet. 

So I'm just here, swimming around in my own head and wondering if this is just another phases that I have to go through in life. 

Some say I'm selfish. 

Some say I'm a coward. 

For keeping my feelings to myself, just because I don't wanna feel embarrassed and ashamed.

And I'll try to convince myself one more time, that it's just my way of being selective.

But I think it's all the same. 

I get his attention. We spend our afternoon exchanging texts. He would tell me how he likes the way I brushed my hair, or how I do several things that he noticed as unique. Then my stomach will be stormed with butterflies, and my heart will be the one making the decision for me. 

That moment I would repeatedly tell myself that, 

I like him. 

I would text him back the next day, telling him stupidly random unnecessary things. And how I enjoy his company. This moment is when the replies stop coming. This is the moment when I closed my eyes. 

I opened them, only to find him smiling with a tall, hot, put together girl who has better hair than I do. And somehow I saw him, as someone who's not him. Someone who I never remember liking.

And here I am.. Once again, crying into my bowl of cheesecake flavored ice cream. 

It all ends the same. Yet, I seemed to find myself in this situation more than I can remember. 

Every time I developed one of these out of the blue liking for someone, I never stop myself from the obvious... Getting hurt. 

I guess, i'm okay with it. 

I guess I'm used to the feeling of a constant let down. 

But somehow that never stops me from hopeful thinking, 

Maybe he's just like everyone else. 

Maybe It's just one of my unlucky day.

I guess I'll just finds out after how he tell me that he noticed me.