Loving Laurel Animals MC book 6

Chapter Fifteen.

Ivan stood outside the bedroom door for a full five minutes, trying to build up enough nerve to go inside. After her parents came home Laurel made it a point to stay close to them and avoid even looking in his direction, he couldn't blame her after the way he practically threw himself at her downstairs on the couch.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat he knocked softly on the door, at first there was no reply then she timidly called out.

"Come in."

He opened the door and stepped inside, Laurel was standing by the large closet unzipping a dress bag with a dress in it presumably for the upcoming wedding. She was wearing a loose-fitting black t-shirt and a pair of boxers that he thought he recognized. She didn't acknowledge him when he came inside and closed the door.

"Laurel..."

He didn't know what to say, should he apologize? should he say anything?

She turned from fussing with her dress and looked up at him, her blue eyes meeting his. She looked afraid, he could see it in the way she was watching him, he recognized it.

"Baby...I'm so sorry," He said gently.

"You don't have to be sorry," She replied.

"Then why are you looking at me like I'm the big bad wolf?"

"I don't know."

"I would never pressure you or force you to..."

"I know that," She interrupted.

"Sometimes I forget...that you're not my wife anymore and I forget what you went through."

"I'm not afraid of you Ivan, I've never been afraid of you."

"You should be," He said his voice dropping just a little lower.

She looked confused and he didn't want to elaborate, he turned and headed instead for the small window seat.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"I think I better just sleep over here tonight," He said.

"No, Ivan you don't have to do that. Really."

"Laurel, it's okay."

He turned taking some pillows off the bed and tossing them onto the window seat.

"It's not okay, I want you to sleep in bed with me."

He froze, a pillow in each hand. Turning his attention fully to Laurel who was fidgeting now.

"Really?" He asked.

"I mean...not like that, I just. I haven't slept next to someone since before...everything happened and it feels nice to be next to you. I feel safe with you."

"Safe..."He repeated the word, feeling two inches tall.

She wasn't safe with him, not really. He was barely holding on to the restraint to keep from pulling her to him and crushing her body beneath his on the bed. Ever since Ezra died there had been a constant burning in the back os his mind that he couldn't place. He tried drinking, tried gambling, tried hurting people and nothing dulled the ache.

A few weeks ago he'd been drunk and Laurel came to see him, he'd made a blatant pass at her and practically begged her to go to bed with him, she refused and when he sobered up he realized what he was missing, her.

He missed Laurel, not the relationship of being close friends, not seeing her every day. He missed her being his wife, he missed her body, her being there when he came home from work.

"Look, we only have to make it a few more days and we can go home and put this all behind us." Laurel promise walking around the bed to take his larger hands in hers.

"What if...what if I don't want to put this behind us?" He asked.

"What?" She pulled her hands-free backing away from him.

"I'm not asking for a huge commitment or revelation I just...I want to take things slow and maybe...maybe start trying to find each other again."

He saw the panic in her eyes the second she felt it, she backed further away from him.

"I can't. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I...I...I can't."

He had known Laurel since they were teenagers and he knew hew well enough to recognize when she was afraid. She was terrified and him pushing her wouldn't help any.

"Okay, it's okay. Like you said it's only a few more days, right? let's go to bed."

She bit her lip, glancing from him to the small bed. He put his hands up in surrender.

"I promise, I won't touch you."

"I'm sorry, Ivan. I wish...I wish I was a proper woman, I wish I could.."She started to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Shhh," He moved across the room taking her in his arms, pressing her against his chest.

"Shh, don't you ever...ever. Apologize to me again? Do you hear me? You're the most fantastic, amazing woman I have ever known." He said his face on top of her head only vaguely aware tears were blinding his vision.

"I tried...I really did I met someone and I really liked him. I trusted him and I thought it was going somewhere but I went over one night. I thought I was ready, I thought...I could do it. We started kissing and then, his hands were all over the place and I...I got scared and I panicked and...He threw me out."

"He was a bastard."

"No, he wasn't. I'm tired of going through life pretending everything is okay and I'm over what happened. I want to be close to someone again, I'm tired of pretending that every man I see doesn't give me chills or that everyone who touches me gives me nightmares."

He didn't reply as she sobbed against him soaking his shirt, he remembered the aftermath. Remembered the nights she didn't sleep and the nights she woke up screaming. Remembered how she winced every time he tried to kiss her, remembered trying to be gentle trying to ease her into things and her shaking so hard he would give up. Then he gave up on her altogether, he was a bastard too.

She sobbed until she was sagging against him, clinging to his shirt like a lifeline.

"Come on baby," He gently eased her to the bed and tucked her in like a child.

Leaning down for a second and then kissed her on the lips, a soft gentle kiss. Then he pulled away and climbed into the bed next to her.

"I've got you now baby, you're safe. I'm right here."

He pulled her body against him, holding her in his arms and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm right here," He promised.

Laurel fell asleep first and Ivan stayed awake, enjoying how it felt to hold her close.