desolation (phan)

three

Dan woke up to an empty bed again, but didn't have time to worry because Phil's footsteps rang out in the livingroom. Dan opened the door and peeked out to see him admiring the pictures on the wall, holding one of himself.

"Morning," Dan greeted. Phil jumped, whipping around. Dan giggled, raising an eyebrow. "It's just me, calm down."

Phil forced a nervous laugh and cleared his throat, setting the picture back up. He was shirtless and Dan took the opportunity to trudge over, setting his hands on his bare shoulders. Dan beamed to himself as he admired his boyfriend's body, the smile fading when it looked different than he remembered. "It's been so long that I forgot what your body looks like. I could've sworn you had a birthmark right here," Daniel mumbled, pointing at his collarbone.

Phil flashed a sad smile, turning around. "It's over here, remember?"

Dan saw the birthmark and nodded, wrapping his arms around the back of him. "I missed you. I missed this. Every single day hurt worse, I don't know how I lived. Hell, I wasn't- I was just surviving. What about you? Did you miss me?"

"I️-" Phil began, but Dan's phone went off. He looked at his device to see it was a reminder that he had therapy in an hour. Dan flashed him a sad smile, kissing his forehead before walking away and grabbing his phone. He turned around, about to yell to Phil, but when he moved, Phil was right behind him.

Dan jumped, forcing a nervous laugh. "You scared me," he exhaled, putting a hand to his chest. "I have my first therapy appointment, so I'll see you in a bit, okay? Don't go anywhere."

He began to walk out the door when Phil grabbed his arm, turning him to face him. Their eyes locked. "Dan, you can't tell your therapist I'm here. You can't. You'll only put yourself in danger."

"Who are you running from?" Dan finally asked, eyebrows furrowed. "Phil, who hurt you?"

"I cant talk about it."

"But when, Phil? When you were here, you told me everything-"

"It's not the same," Phil whispered, worry in his expression. "This is different and you know that."

"But I'm scared and confused-" Dan tried.

"And you think I'm not?"

"Phil, I just-"

"Please just trust me. I'm doing this to keep you safe. To keep us safe," Phil told him. "I'll tell you one day."

They looked at each other for a moment, Dan's eyes disappointed and Phil's begging. "I love you," Dan spoke softly, voice wavering. They hadn't said it since he got back.

Phil kissed him, a gentle touch of the lips, before pulling away. "I love you, too."

Dan stared at Phil for a bit, confusion leaking from his head, but turned away and headed out the door. He made it to the building, and while he sat and waited he thought of Phil.

He thought once Phil came back, he'd feel better. But this wasn't helping. Sure, it was nice hearing his boyfriend was alive, but how alive is he really? Dan hated going on with so many unanswered questions, having the same amount of confusion and fear he had when Phil was missing.

He was gone for so long, and Dan was supposed to just wait? Supposed to wait what really happened?

His thoughts were cut off when a man peeked his head out the door. "Dan Howell?" The brunette stood on shaky legs, hands beginning to sweat. The man shot a welcoming grin before leading Dan into their room and they sat.

"First day for you. I'm Dr. Viró, nice to meet you," the man said. Dan smiled sheepishly, shaking his hand. "So I'm going to ask you some simple questions to get to know you better. Please know that this will remain confidential and everything you say to me will remain quiet. I will only tell someone if I fear for your life or someone else's. Clear?"

"Crystal," he breathed out, fidgeting with his hands. He answered questions back and forth, voice monotone as he gazed out the window. Yes, he was unhappy and anxious. No, he couldn't sleep at night. Yes, he has problems with self-image, blah blah blah. But one question stuck out to him.

"Have you lost a loved one recently?"

Dan sat up, finally turning to look at the doctor. "What?"

"Have you lost-"

"No I heard you, I just, um. . ." He looked down at his feet, Phil's voice ringing through his mind. You can't tell your therapist I'm here. Dan bit his lip. As long as he didn't say Phil's name, maybe it was okay. "Well sort of, I um. . . my dog ran away for a bit but he came back. I thought he was dead. Everybody did."

"And how do you feel now that he's back? Better? Worse?"

Dan shut his eyes. "I dont know. I just wish I knew where he went and what happened to him, but he won't tell me. I mean- he's a dog, but I️ feel like I'm trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. He's not the same. I'm so scared and worried for him and I just want to help him but I dont know how to. Sometimes I'm worried that he's not real, that this is all a dream or I'm seeing things again-"

"Again?"

"When Ph- he disappeared," Dan began. "I told my family I could sometimes still see him and hear him. When my family said it wasn't real, he went away, and I was able to be free of him. But I wonder if it's all fake again."

"Dan, is this why you're here? This question seemed to have peaked your interest."

"I guess so. I know it sounds stupid but we did everything together. He disappeared. My best friend disappeared. I tried coming to therapy to talk about it but I never could- I never could talk about it. Again, I'm just so fucking- wait, can I cuss?"

"'Course," Dr. Viró chuckled slightly.

"I'm just so fucking afraid."

"What is it that you are afraid of, Mr. Howell?"

"I think I'm. . ," Dan licked his lips, looking up at the man. "I think I'm afraid of him."