desolation (phan)

six

"We've managed to reach his therapist and uncover his diagnosis."

"Isn't this illegal?" Dan questioned, a bright hanging light above them.

"Not if it's necessary in a case as such." Dan watched as Detective Ramos opened the files, sliding the papers to Dan. He read over it. Insomnia, which he knew.

"How would him having insomnia affect his case, though?"

"Insomnia can cause hallucinations. Your body needs sleep, so once its extremely deprived of it, it fails to function correctly and can cause such things."

Dan's eyes flickered to her name tag for a second. Alice Ramos. He continued reading.

"What about disassociative amnesia?"

"It's the brain's disruption of memory and sense of reality. These two factors could relate to why he's gone."

"Why didn't I know this?" Dan mumbled more to himself than the woman.

"Dr. Viró said Phil-"

Dan's eyes quickly shot to Alice's. "Dr. Viró?"

"Yes sir."

She continued on with her explanation, but Dan's heartbeat was much louder than any chaos going on around him. That's his therapist. They had the same therapist. Dan had never checked.

All these stories he'd been telling about his 'lost dog', it was all about his patient but he never knew. What if he knew that it was him, but didn't want to pour salt on his reopened wounds.

"-Mr. Howell, are you alright?"

"I️ just. . . It's a lot."

"I understand, and we want everything to come into place just as much as you do. We'll be doing our best to figure out what happened, even if it takes awhile."

"It's been months."

The room went silent after Dan's dismissive tone.

Dan spoke again. "What if he wanted to leave?"

"What?" She furrowed her eyebrows.

"What if he's not really missing- what if it's more so a run away. What if he wanted to get away from someone, or something, and doesn't want to be found."

"Dan, it just doesn't line up with what happened."

"Maybe it will. Give me a few days," he stood quickly and grabbed his coat. "I'll be back."

Alice called after him but he was already out the door, speeding to a building he went to for a feeling of safety but now going for danger.

☈

He scurried up to his therapist's office, knocking on the door.

"Dan? What are you-"

"I know I dont have a scheduled appointment but I just need to talk," Dan said, breathing heavy. Dr. Viró eyed him, but silently opened the door wider to let him in.

"You're lucky I️m not with any of my other patients right now-"

Dan cut him off again. "Could you get me water?"

Once again Dr. Viró stared at him with an uneasy expression, hesitating before leaving his room. Dan sighed in relief, his plan working. He quickly opened the drawers, looking for files. Looking for something more about him- about Phil.

It took a few drawers, but Dan found his name: Phil Lester. He grabbed the file, dragging it out to examine it further when he heard footsteps. He panicked, standing up and shoving the folder in his hoodie. He bumped into his therapist on the way out the room.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah, I️m just caught up in something. I'll see you next week!" Dan lied, in a hurry to leave. He left his therapist, water in his hand and confusion etched on his face. He didn't have intentions to steal the file altogether, it was more obvious and illegal that way. He just wanted to snap pictures, but timing was too short.

He went back to his house, pleased to hear Phil was in the shower. He took the opportunity to look over the files in their office, sitting down and opening the folder.

He was a patient for around a year when he stopped coming. Blue eyes, those blue blue eyes Dan adored so much. Dark hair, the darkest and most beautiful shade Dan could run his fingers through. Pale skin, skin on the body that would hold Dan like it was the last time.

And now it was different. It was all different. He found some things about himself, that Phil had said Dan was the only thing that made him feel safe. But why would he feel unsafe anywhere else? He furrowed his eyebrows, going to his room to get his laptop before going back into the office.

He opened it and did research, looking up signs of abuse and other trauma or illnesses. And maybe this wasn't even about past Phil, but also present Phil. Because the two are not the same, and disappearing doesn't explain all of it.

He read over one that caught his eye: 'Phil wishes he could tell his boyfriend certain things, but cant'. Dan stared, eyes wide and breath caught in his throat. It's always been like this, then, just less obvious. Phil was always hiding, even before missing.

Dan remembered putting up so many MISSING posters around their neighborhood, but maybe Phil didn't want to be found, just understood. Maybe he wanted to be found by the person who found him in the first place: Dan. But instead he just showed up, misunderstood and misleading.

He ran a hand through his hair. They were together for years, best friends for months before. But was it really best friends if Phil didn't tell him secrets?

Or is it that Phil couldn't tell him?

He shook away the thoughts, shutting his laptop and getting ready to hide away the folder when he spotted a picture peeking out from under pieces of paper. He slowly took it, squinting at the image. It was Phil, his parents, and the rest was snipped off. The page underneath it explained the photograph attached was Phil's family.

Phil had someone else in his family, and obviously had tension with them. An uncovered secret.

Maybe they know something I don't, Dan thought. He remembered where his parents lived, and mentally made note to make a trip to the Lester household as soon as possible.

As if on cue, Dan heard the shower turn off and hid all evidence, already faking his act for Phil. But maybe Phil was acting too.