desolation (phan)

two

"Dan."

Dan gulped, and it felt like he was swallowing splinters, his throat dry and burning. He stared at the man in front of him, holding his breath. Was this really him?

"Phil. . ." He said again, just to hear himself say it. His eyes watered and his whole body was tense. "Phil. . ."

"Yes, it's me, Dan- just please let me in."

Dan couldn't move so Phil let himself in, shutting the door. Dan just watched him as he took off his coat, hanging it on the rack before hurrying back and enveloping him into a tight hug. Dan slowly let his arms slide around him, lips parted and eyes wide. This felt so foreign, so odd.

His skin felt cold as he wrapped himself around Phil, nudging his head into his shoulder. He began to cry- no, not cry, sob. He sobbed out loud, saying his boyfriend's name over and over. All the tears he's been holding back were spilling over, as if a tsunami had knocked down a cemented dam. He could barely breathe, chest heaving.

His legs failed to keep him up and he fell, Phil sitting down with him as they hugged on the ground.

"What happened? Where have you been? It's been years. . . I thought you were dead- we all thought you were dead," Daniel cried.

"Not right now, Dan. Let's not talk about it right now."

Dan just nodded, letting Phil hold him as he sobbed.

☈

Dan awoke by himself in his bed, sitting up hurriedly in fear that it was all a dream. Phil put that thought at ease when he entered the room, a cup of tea in hand. He handed Dan the drink, sitting next to him quietly.

Phil was now shirtless, and Dan unashamedly looked him up and down, crawling over to him and beginning to trace his freckles into constellations like he used to do. Phil flinched at first.

"Is this okay?" He asked, holding his hand back in fear he made Phil uncomfortable. Phil gulped, shaking his head.

"No it's fine, I just forgot you did that. . ." he murmured sadly, the knowing silence that followed reintroducing how long he had been gone. Dan struggled to keep his mouth shut, to not ask questions, but Phil was so scared- he could see that. "I'm so scared. I shouldn't have come back."

Dan shushed him, moving into his lap and wrapping his arms around him. Phil relaxed and Dan began speaking.

"I'm glad you did. I hated the fact that I never had the chance to say goodbye. But now you're here," Dan pulled away, grinning at Phil. "You're really here."

They began kissing, it becoming more heated as Dan realized how much he missed this. He reached towards Phil's thighs only to have it pushed away softly, and Phil spoke.

"I'm not ready for that yet."

Dan nodded, eyes big. He felt ashamed now, guilty even, that he would be so insensitive to think it would be normal right away- if ever. He'd give Phil all the time he needed. He got off him, going to wash his face and locking the bathroom door.

Dan pulled out his phone, going through his contacts. He wanted to talk to somebody so bad- all these years of avoiding contact came rushing back to him. He wanted to talk to his old best friends or his family or just somebody. Keeping this all bottled up was killing him. He took a breath, looking in the mirror.

Dan was starting to become himself again. All this time he had looked so unreal, so dead, like he wasn't even alive. Like he was simply a ghost. But now, with Phil back even just for one night, it seemed that already, all the color had come rushing back to his face. It wasn't so much a frown as more of a neutral expression now, his eyes lighter and posture improved.

He reached out towards the mirror, going to touch his reflection when Phil jangled the doorknob.

"Dan? Can you come back inside? I'm tired and I want to hold you."

Dan lingered in front of the mirror for a bit longer before shaking away his thoughts, unlocking the door and flinching a bit when Phil was stood right in front of it. He went to hug him instantly and Dan giggled, wrapping his arms around him too. He looked out the window as he held him, watching a car pass by, leaving a thought in his head.

When Phil came back, did he bring danger with him? How did he come back looking so clean? What had happened to him, who did this to him? Were they in danger?

Was Phil dangerous?

Dan gulped, squeezing Phil tighter before letting go. "Let's sleep." They changed into their pajamas, and Dan acknowledged how foreign this felt. They used to do everything together, and now this felt like it was the first time. Dan fought the urge to cry again, and he didn't even know why he wanted to cry. Maybe the dam he had built up wasn't done breaking.

He cuddled up against him, his skin tingling as it brushed against Phil's. "Your freckles look different." Dan noted in the dark of the bedroom. Phil chuckled sadly.

"They're the same. It's just been awhile."

"Yeah," Dan replied sadly, "It's been awhile."

Dan was half asleep when Phil spoke again. "You can't tell anybody about me, okay? There's. . . there's people that want to hurt me. They've tried to hurt me. I can't let them get us or anybody else. So for the sake of yourself and me, please don't say anything."

Dan nodded against his back, relishing in the warmth and softness of the feeling of another body next to him. He smiled to himself, but only for a second, afraid to let himself be happy. Yes, Phil was back, but he could have changed a lot. This would take some getting used to.

He would just focus on the fact that his boyfriend was really here, alive. That he didn't have to wait eighty more years to possibly see him again in the afterlife. He told himself all that pain he went through was worth it, because Phil was here and Dan was here and they were here. They were together.

So Dan shook it off, yawning and promising to himself he would keep this secret, adding another pile to the baggage of heavy thoughts he was already carrying.