Hope

Chapter Twenty Five

Hope.

I once was lectured about never losing this feeling. I was told that, no matter how hard what I'm going through is, this feeling will always get me through the dark.

And who was I to defy the wise?

I didn't believe it at first for I was reluctant to show and feel any feelings, but it slowly built in my chest to the point where I could finally see a bright future. Perhaps not us bright as the stars that shine above my head right now, but as bright as a candle that grants you a vision of what lays just before you.

Unfortunately for me, my candle burnt out and all I see before me is a black veil darker than night.

I look up again as a cool breeze passes by and chills my skin, raising goosebumps. I'm not suppose to be here, Magnolia banned us from being anywhere outside- we were all to stay in the safety of the mansion. But I managed to sneak out to the rooftop in hopes of clearing my mind.

I hoped in vain for my thoughts only multiplied and reminded me of my misery, and the reason for my misery, and then the occasional hallucinations that the Healer reckons are triggered by the Juga bite. They feed on my demons and bring them to life so I can't find refuge in the brightness of the day or the darkness of the night, in my dreams or my thoughts, in anything. They are hidden in the dark, which makes them more dangerous. They are exposed in the light, which makes them more frightening.

I have nowhere to hide.

So why am I expected to have hope when there's nothing there to be hopeful for?

I repeat this question over and over again as I stand up and descend down the stairs, expecting the answer to spring out of nowhere like my hallucinations do.

I trudge to my room but sooner realize that I'm in the hallway where Jeff's room is located. I slowly open the door, as if afraid of what lies before. Maybe I am.

The room is neat and smells like Jeff. I draw my sleeves over my fingers and cover my nose and mouth so I won't end up seeing him when he isn't there- again (that's when Magnolia decided to call the Healer).

I look around the large room and I start picking up random things and surveying them with my free hand- a picture of me; a picture of our family- mom, dad, me and Jeff; some round object that has weird designs on it; a pendant identical to the one I have around my neck.

This captures my attention and I open the golden object to reveal a picture of him, dad and Magnolia- who, to my utmost surprise, was smiling. The gem on the other interior side of the pendant is green and gives off a faint pulse, like mine.

I look above it to see a name but instead I see initials: JMJ

“What are you doing here?” I hear Magnolia's cold voice behind me and I drop the pendant, startled.

I slowly pick it up without looking at her. “I'd like to ask you the same question,” I say, my voice muffled by my sleeve.

“It's my house, I can do what I pleas,” she says. I roll my eyes, turning around. “What are you doing here?”

“I don't know...” I answer honestly. “But for all you know I could be speaking to Sophia right now.”

“Don't compare me to her,” she hisses.

“I wasn't. Although the resemblance is uncanny.”

She looks like she will slap me any moment. I wish she would. That would give me an excuse to-

“Why are you acting like this?” Her tone catches me off guard and I almost gasp- it's... soft.

I shiver when I recall Jeff asking me a similar question. “Like what?”

“You hate me,” she almost whispers.

It's all I can do not to laugh. “It's not acting.”

“Why? What did I ever do to you?” Is this the same Magnolia? Or maybe I'm not the only one losing my mind.

“Do you have time?” I say.

She blinks rapidly, as though blocking tears from falling over.

“Are you-?”

“Do you know why I appear to have no heart?” she says in a hushed tone. “It's because I'm afraid to show how big of a heart I have.”

I roll my eyes. Don't we all.

“Do you think I'm not hurt, Kathryn? The only brother I have left is gone not long after your parents died! How do you think that makes me feel?” She's gasping now. “Do you think it's easy? Keeping myself together because everybody else-” she waves her hand around “-is waiting for me to break down? Kathryn, you're the only one I have left! Alexander left me and-” She takes a deep breath that sounds like air coming out of a balloon. “Family,” she says, calmer now, “is important, Kathryn. Grasp it. You and I know better than anyone how it can be easily wrenched from your grasp.” She raises her chin and looks at me before walking out without wiping the tears that have managed to escape her eyes.

-

“I knew I'd find you here,” Nick says behind me, pulling me out of my reverie. It's almost been a year since I arrived here and this is the first time the sun hides behind the gray clouds. The current weather reminds me of home, where Jeff is still alive and loves me though I never showed I loved him back.

“Have you been here a while?” Nick asks as he takes a sit beside me.

I nod.

“Clears your head, doesn't it? You sort of forget about the pain and misery and-”

“Yeah,” I quickly say. “Sort of.”

We sit in silence for a while as I stare at Peter's school. He's being homeschooled for now, like me, although my learning has been put to a halt for now.

“Do you think I'm capable of love, Kathryn?” Nick suddenly asks, breaking the silence.

I slowly look at him. “I don't think there's anyone incapable of love, Nick. You loved Sophia.”

“Yeah but I mean now, you know? Do you think you can still love no matter how damaged you are?”

His question catches me off guard. I open my mouth to answer yes but I stop. Will I say yes even though I don't think it's true for me? Or do I think it is but I refuse to feel it again in fear of hurting more?

“I...” I hesitate. “Yes. It's not like it's controllable. It's either you know or you don't know what you're in for. Either it opens and brightens up your future or destroys you. Part of you knows the latter but you dive head first if the person will take you.”

He stays silent, digesting this. Finally he asks, “How do you know when you feel it?”

I answer as honestly as I can. “You just do.”

“Do you think you'll ever be able to love again?”

I take a while to answer. “Like I said, it's not controllable. But if I had a choice I'd opt for the easiest way out- I wouldn't let myself.” Like the coward I am.