Used and Abused

  Fuck! I keep having these dreams and they're becoming more frequent. I know I should see a therapist, but I really feel like they get paid to agree with you. Who knows though all I know is I rather dream about my mom beating my ass than about when the love of my life left me. I know it's been over five years now, but I love him and he loved me. I need to remind myself to call Sofia, to see how she's doing. I just hate calling that place because there is always a risk of him answering the phone. Although I'm not a coward, I just miss him and hearing his voice will only make me miss him more.

  I roll out of bed, shower, apply light makeup, brush my hair in a tight bun, and dress in my professional pantsuit.  Once I'm ready I make myself a light breakfast and begin to search through the paper for available positions.  At this point any job will help keep me from having to go back to Fresno. I circle about seven jobs open and head out the door.

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  Well today was it, if I don't get any calls back I have to go back home. I decide to call Sofia before it gets to late. The phone rings several times before I get an answer.

  "Hi mommy!" She says in such a joyful tone.

  "Hi baby, have you missed me?"

  "Of course mommy! It's boring here... daddy is too busy working and I have no one to play with."

  "Why don't you play with Julia?" I ask in a gentle but sarcastic tone.

  "Because all she does is sit on the couch and play on her phone all day."  She says in almost a whisper.

  It really bugs me that Jason doesn't make her ass  do shit and they don't even have kids to take care of. It must be nice not to worry about spending a dime because you might be short on your bills.

  "Well that sucks, so you haven't had anytime with daddy?"

  "Nope, he works six days a week ten hours a day! And I have to be here with this wanna be prude who says she's my new mommy. Mom, when can I go to you?"

  "I'm sorry you have to be there baby. I didn't get the job I was hoping for, but I applied for a few more. If I don't hear back by the end of today I will head back home ok?" I say meaning it.

  "Okay mommy, but if you do get a job; you will be coming back to get me right?" She says seeking reassurance.

  "Of course baby. You know that I rather have you by my side than anywhere else." The phone starts to beep on the other line. When I look it's Kris. I decide not to click over.

  "Mommy, I have to let you go because Julia says she needs the phone. I love you though and don't forget about me."

  Hearing her goodbyes causes my eyes to fill with tears. "Okay baby I love you too and I will never forget about you."

With that she hangs up.

  I then begin to redial Kris' number when I begin to think when did we exchange phone numbers? Was I that drunk and if so why didn't he make a move? Well, whatever this is it's cute I haven't had these butterflies in a long time and I'm not sure if I want to feel like this again. My thoughts are interrupted with my phone vibrating in hand.

  "Hello." I say in a low tone then clear my throat.

  "Hey Lexy, it's Kris, I know we said dinner tomorrow night, but I need to see you." He says in a slight chuckle.

  "Is everything ok?" I say in an almost panicked tone. He says he needs to see me.... for what?

  He begins to laugh out loud. "Well I don't necessarily need to see you, but I want to so badly." He says answering answering my silent question instead of the question I asked.

  "Oh. Well I'm not sure..." Why? What are your intentions? Your just going to break my heart.

  "I will not take no for an answer." He says cutting off my statement and my thoughts.

  "Fine, since you won't take no for an answer. What time shall I be ready?" I ask in a sarcastic tone.

  "I expect you ready by five with no ifs, ands, buts, or sarcasm about it!" He says with an outburst of chuckles.

   "Five it is then." I say returning the same amusement and hang up the phone smiling ear to ear. It's barely one thirty right now so I have enough time to take a nap and get ready.