My Story

The blame. (My poem)

For the longest time, I've hid my voice

away from the world

away from myself.

I tried opening up to those when I was in need, but no no.

It was not the time.

So when will it be the time?

When I'm six feet underneath?

Where no living soul can hear me speak?

I've been pushed aside, pushed in the closet, and swept under rugs

Nonetheless, I spoke about it,

yet I slowly regretted it.

Maybe I'm insane because all I see is people looking away

and when I try to speak

nothing comes my way

 so in silence I stay.

I give yet I never receive,

 all I offer is a home within my arms,

a shoulder to cry on,

and an ear to listen to your burdens and troubles

All I offer is a home within my arms  in which you can stay

in hopes that a better day will come along and sweep you away,

yet that was not the case.

A home that you can stay does not mean your hands can go their own little way

just because I offer everything I have does not mean you can take what's not yours

My body is not yours.

I spent nights trying to grasp onto what happened then,

but in the end,

it was not me to blame,

it was you.

God, give me a place to call home because as of now,

 my home doesn't feel like home due to an intruder who broke into my temple, 

destroying all I have created for myself,

My temple became nothing more than an abandoned building

filled with disgust and hate.

All I have is nothing.

My body is cut up into pieces

I do not recognize the corpse in front of the mirror,

I do not recognize myself

for I am too broken, too complicated for anyone to figure out who I used to be.

I began to paint a picture on my skin using a razor as if it was a paint-brush in hopes that I'll cut off the skin you touched,

so I can say one day that the mark you left on me never stayed.

To see the beautiful lines that make up to be the scars I left upon my body

To see the dead butterflies laying ever so gently on my rib-cage just enough to show through my skin

To see the years of pain that my heart carries 

To see how heavy my burdens weigh just enough to keep me drowning in my demons.

To finally see that I'm not complicated as they make me out to be

To see that the incident created a hole within me in which I loathe the touch of any male

Don't touch me

Don't get near me

For they too will grab what doesn't belong to them and assume it was for taking

To see that I cried for what seemed to be a thousand years

yet in the end

it was not me to blame

it was you

and I hope the pain consumes you too

because it was not me to blame

it was you.