Sometimes, life has a funny thing of tapping on your shoulder and telling you a secret you never knew existed until it told you.
I guess that happened to me today.
I just kind of realized that I’m going to miss someone I never thought I would.
But I guess that’s life.
Let me start to about two ish weeks ago I believe?
So, Dear Wattpad Journal Thing,
I called you that in my last entry and so now it's what I shall forever call you. Much love,
me.
Anyway, I want to tell you a tale of backstabbing, intense offending, abuse, basic slavery, no respect, rudeness, terrible manners, targeting, and worst of all, 4 years of loyal commitment over and down the drain.
It all started on Tuesday when Lewis and I and a couple of other people, Emily and April (Drabbles... You know I say this everytime, I would think you'd remember, you probably do, but I will always verify.. Herro) Twiggy, and I think one other, wanted to go to the ACT (Our community theatre center thing.) for an introduction to a new thing they want the ACT youth people to do.
Well, we the cast of "The westing game" our high school drama club spring play had rehearsal until 6:30 p.m and the thing we all wanted to go to was from 4:30 until 5.
30 minutes. Well, Lewis told our band director and director Ms. Kimball and she wasn't to pleased, But didn't say yes or no, so when it rolled around, the others mentioned said they were going to stay, so Lewis and I just went to it. Lewis told me he was going to go to his car and he'd meet me out there, that I was to tell Kimball and Rosco, our other director and our english teacher that we were leaving. Well, I walked down there and just said "Lewis and I are leaving." I don't remember a lot of exact quotations, it was an intense showdown of yeah, so i'm going to paraphrase a lot of what they said because I want you to understand the conversation even though quotes may not happen.
So basically they told me that I was immature because "grown-ups" don't leave one set or one job for another set or another job during their shift or show.
They were super pissed off and I don't remember a lot of what was said now, but when Lewis and I got back, they said nothing, and then after rehearsal, Rosco and Kimball the directors called me down to talk to me and without saying hello or anything it was just "We want to kick you out."
They grilled me told me that I was immature again, and told me to find out more information next time and just a bunch of bad stuff, so I went to four of my friends, Daerian. Maggie, Ryan, and Twiggy and told them what the directors had said and they all said if I was kicked out, they would have dropped behind me. I didn't want them too, but I figured they would anyway.
People just seem to love me... I don't understand why. I'm not a good person, but that's another story for another day.
So that night, I went to facebook and made a status saying...
"From the events today, I'm a bit offended, and also saddened that it happened. I don't mean to sound cocky, but if you actually think that letting me go is a good idea, I'm sorry but you're mistaken. I've always given my all, my life, my sanity to this group, and every show and production I've ever done. For the events of today to be the 'make or break' of this show, well, you have another thing coming. If I go, I guarantee that at least 4 other people will leave behind me. Make your choice." - June 3rd.
The following day, as the day mentioned is a tuesday so into Wednesday now, The directors decidided to sit us all down and basicallly guilt us and kind of black mail us into staying in the show and it pissed me off because everything they were saying was a direct shot at the status I had made. So after it was all done, I made the comment "Why not paint a target on my face and shoot a little more"
I was so angry.
Because of that, Daerian and Ryan dropped out and we had to pull a 7th grader, Maggie's younger brother into the show, and an old alumni, a junior in college now, Seth into it. Seth played Daerian's old part, and Sam played Ryan's. At first I was really angry, I didn't want someone not in high school playing the parts, but I decided we needed someone to play the parts, and they were trust worthy, so I just swallowed my anger and sadness as I usually do and let it happen.
We got better after that, the boys learned their lines in like 4 days. I was so proud of them.
Let's see. Then the 12th of June. The 12th of June is the year anniversery since the people in my story "Memoir: Dark Days" Andrea and Chase died. They commited suicde and it's been a really tough year.
I've gone through a lot in the last year and it's been tough.
I relapsed again a couple of days ago, this last Tuesday or Wednesday, I cut again, up on my right arm, under the socket of my shoulder. No one knows, my brother Trevor noticed, but I said it was scratches from playing with Daerian's dog, Capone, and he believed it. No one needs to know Wattpad. No one needs to know that the blade makes me feel something other than dead. I can't be dead like Chase and Andrea, so cutting is my resort.
because believe me, if I was allowed to be dead, if I knew people wouldn't cry and be sad. I'd kill myself right now. Because life isn't for me.
I had the Westing Game on the 12th. it was our opening night, and I thought of them, and then yesterday being the 13th, the day we actually found out I thought of them again. I just remember having a really sexually related conversation with my favorite girl friend, Tierney, and then only hours later finding out one friend was dead and another unsure.
I never really wept.
I never really speak.
It's just a haunting memory.
My mom found the memoir, and she read it. I wish she never had.
It wasn't for her to see.
My friends know of it, but they don't actually know.
They don't know what it was like trying to go on and figure things out and people still ask me why they did it.
It's frustrating that I don't have an answer.
We never found out why, and we never will.
It sucks, and I feel guilty because in the last year i've STRONGLY considered killing myself twice and I relapsed twice and cut, but I'm not allowed to die. So here I am, still waking up, taping myself together for appearanced with humans and then I go to sleep. Sleep is the closest I get with death, and it's blissful.
So the last show of the Westing game was tonight, and I just realized that I'm going to miss this guy, Nic is his name, and he played my partner in the show: Sandy McSouthers, as I was Judge J.J Ford.
I'm going to miss him and I just realized that I feel like I made a friend.
Tonight Wattpad. I am confused. I don't know what to feel, so I am confused.
Until next time.
