The Figure: A Rhett and Link Horror Story

A Forgettable Memory

January, 1999
R H E T T
Link, Greg, and I have decided to go snowboarding over in the North Carolina mountains. We absolutely love it every time we go, and we have been talking about going again. So, being the risk taking young men that we are, we've decided to go.

We drive down to the snowy playing field, which takes a few hours. While we drive, we talk about how Link is a pro at snowboarding, and how I've only been a time or two and fall over every time I snowboard down a small hill. We laugh and talk the whole time. Finally, we arrive. Link has a big smile painted all over his face.

   We put all of our stuff into the beautiful log cabin in which we are lodging in. We grab our snowboards and head out to meet up with a couple of other guys that are snowboarding with us.

As we're riding up the ski lift, I can see the burning passion in Link's eyes. He loves this sport. He's actually a pretty good boarder, too. As we arrive at the top of the jump, we strap our boards onto our feet. Link and another person from our party (named Will) are pros at this, so we all let them go first. They snowboard down together, zigzagging, jumping, and turning in the air. "Wow", I hear Greg whisper under his breath, which is a condensed mist floating out into the cold air. I turn to him and nod. "Yeah, Link loves it here... when he gets to come. But I don't know where Will learned the Way of the Board." I shrug. Everyone chuckles at my remark.

   Link and Will reach the bottom and come to a quick stop. They turn around and wave their hands in the air. "Woohoo!" Link exclaims. "It's nice down here!" Will shouts. Me and all the other guys exchange glances. We'd only been to the North Carolina mountains to board once or twice. Needless to say, we don't have a ton of experience. The guys that are with me snowboard down two at a time, so by the time that everyone is down at the bottom of the jump, I'm the last one. I don't have a person to board with down the jump. The other guys actually were okay at snow boarding. Greg tripped up a little as he went, but other than that, everything went smoothly.

   I look down the jump. Everyone is so, so small from my point of view. I start off. The first five seconds go okay. "Woah!" I shout. Then, the next ten seconds I find myself losing more and more control, so by the time I get to the bottom I'm not on my feet anymore. Everyone laughs, and even though I'm embarrassed, I find it funny. I start laughing, too. We take our boards off and go to our next boarding location. About the same thing happened, except this time, Link did a full somersault in the air and I gained a little more control.

                                                                               
* * *

   We've been snowboarding all day. The guys have gotten better, and I actually look like I know what I'm doing now. The sky is a hazy red and orange color, which fit perfectly into the mountain setting. The day has been great. All of our legs are getting tired, so we've agreed to do our fifth run and then call it quits. This snowboarding round went a little differently, though. Everyone takes their turn going down the jump... everyone except for Link. We're all standing at the bottom waiting for him.

   He starts coming. He does the airborne somersault again, but he adds in something new. As he jumps into the air once again, he attempts to do a new trick. "Woah, he's really going for it", I raise my eyebrows in awe. His trick starts out looking really nice and planned out. But then, everything changes. And Will is the first one to notice.

   "Link, you're gonna bust!", Will yells out. Bust seems to be too gentle of a word. Link definitely heard him, but he couldn't do anything to stop himself. He somehow manages to do one of his jumps that Will and I land, but he doesn't successfully land it. He boards over the jump and disappears over the horizon.

   We all look at each other, not sure what to say or do. Will quickly comes to his senses and goes over the jump to tend to Link. I take my board off and run after Will. Everyone follows. I see Link laying at the bottom of the other slope, and Will's kneeling beside him. "Are you hurt?" I hear Will ask Link. "My hip is hurt." Link grunts. "Take your board off and walk it off. You'll be fine.", Will gestures for him to get up.

Link, the rest of the party and I move out of the way of the bottom of the jump. I put a sign up that says "caution". I go back to the place of Link's landing only to find him sitting there. He looks clueless, with nothing that he could possibly think of to say. He looks right at me. "I think I'm gonna faint". He puts his head between his legs, and stays like that for a moment or two. When he brings his head back up, he has a completely blank look on his face. I'm concerned, and so is Will. But we're not too concerned. I mean, it's Link after all. He stares at us blankly. "Hold on, I'm just coming to", he slowly says. Now, this is confusing. It seemed as if Link had "been to" for the last five minutes. And then he says it again. "H-hold on. I'm just coming to." Will and I laugh. This is a joke, right?

   Then, he puts a twist on the words that he's said multiple times. "Hold on. I'm just coming to. Evidently I've hurt my left hip." This is all he continues to say over and over again for about twenty minutes. I look at him with concern and curiosity.

   "Who are you?" I ask him. He looks back at me and thinks for a minute. "L-Link" he says. "Who am I?" I ask. He thinks for a little longer. "You're Rh-Rhett. Why are you asking me? I think you're doubting my knowledge!" Link is starting to get angry at us for interrogating him; he's also not right in the head at the moment, so he doesn't understand. It's pretty funny, though.

   Soon enough, we see a snowboarding instructor arrive onto the scene. He looks at Link and asks him questions. Link keeps telling him the same thing over and over for about twenty minutes. He can't be joking. I think something's actually wrong with him. Ski instructors arrive a few minutes later, and start strapping Link into a stretcher. As they're strapping him in, he looks at Will and I and says "You guys are fulfilling a dream of mine. I've always wanted to ride in one of these!" He grins goofily.

He looks me straight in the eye. "I don't know what's going on, but I assume it's funny, so don't forget any of it" he requests. He probably has no idea what just came out of his mouth. But I'll keep my word and write all of this down later so someone in the far future can get a taste of possibly one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed.

QUICK AUTHOR'S NOTE: Almost all of this story is perfectly true. I tried to retell it as if these were Rhett's thoughts during the actual experience. I didn't retell the whole experience, but only what's necessary for the rest of the story. More coming soon, so be Mythical and stay tuned!