Cries Behind Smiles

Chapter 16: Hot and Cold

Ok I cry very rarely but when I do a whole sea of sorrows,tears,my pain comes into it.When I cry I cry about each bad thing happening in my life, each betrayal, each loss.

Its kind of trigger when it is stimulated, my whole emotions are out.

I'm really extremist.I do things to an edge otherwise I don't do them.I also get bored easily. Its like switch of passions that kept switching on and off.

Sometimes Chachu tell me that: 
"You have to maintain stability in life.There should be consistency and steadfastness in your actions."

He's right.He's always right.He had an huge insight and maturity which is a weapon of few men.He talks wisdom with so much warmth that I melt into it.

While My Baba is opposite.He really don't know how to synchronize his words with the situation.He can't put sense into anyone.But he has his own charms.

There are few favourite places of mine to cry.One bathroom,other under my covers on pillow.So In today's case I was on the pillow.My tears wetting the fabric of pillow.

I really want to feel pain of others.I'm afraid to become heartless.So when I want to feel I compare them to myself in that situation and accept their sorrow.

Now I was comparing that girl's father death with my mother.I was trying to understand how she will feel her world has turn upside down.

How she will never able to sleep under his embrace. Get kissed on her forehead by his father.How will he miss his instructions, advice and his harsh words too when he get angry at her.

I know he was weak.
I know It would be difficult for him to live with such fragile structures .If he  ever lived and his body was unable to bear the flesh and do daily activities with smoothness.
I know he had endured enough and now he needs a breath of peace.

But still leaving hurts.
Still dying hurts.

Its for better but its bitter.

I was deep in my thoughts when Azaan(prayer call) echoed through the windows of my room.

I sit up,rubbed the tears away with my fingers,took my dupatta from behind and went to bathroom for ablution.

Thanks to Allah!! Sana was on night shift today.I don't want her to see me now because I was complete mess.

And I cry more when other people ask for reasons.It cause me to wail more and broke my walls which I don't want to.

So I avoid such situations and I also talk nonsense when I'm emotional.

I offered my prayers.I rose my hands for Dua.I cried,begged,ask for everything asked to.

For forgiveness,For steadfastness-Taqwa,For purity,For poor muslims surviving in brutal world ,For my dear ones life,health and safety.

And many more things.Then I remained in Sujood for long time.My head on ground,listening to my own heartbeats.

Its really peaceful.Even Science has proved now when you lay your arms front,Move your head towards ground in a position when your knees are touching your abdomen.

It enhances blood circulation.Well Islam has its own perks.
We don't know them yet.

And the irony of situation is Non-Muslims know more than us.
While we don't know yet practice.
Ones who do both things are rare and rare gems of Islam.

So when I got my soul relaxed, I removed  my head from ground and moved towards bed to sleep.

I think a lot.I think more than normal person.I know I am not intelligent like my brother whom eyes and ears are always alerted like hawk.Who can remember every minute thing and do work with perfection.