Kenadee's Poems

Trust Issues

when i was only five years old

my mom told me trust was a hard subject.

she said that it was so hard to build up,

easy to break and takes

a thousand years to be put back up.

then, i never really understood trust.

i was only five, my only worries were

recess and apple juice.

now, i see how easily

trust is taken for granted.

trust is a lie.

trust doesn't exist to me anymore.

when i was younger, my big brother Lynn accompanied me;

he'd hold me when mommy and daddy fought.

or when Riley was mean to me.

or when i watched Morgan sneak out of the window at 4am

on a tuesday night.

he kept me safe.

he graduated high school when i was around seven.

he enlisted in the navy seals;

and left.

he went very far away, and i never saw him.

i no longer felt safe.

i no longer trusted his words.

when i was at least nine years old,

i watched as my parents' trust for my big sister Morgan

disintegrated completely.

her secret boyfriend,

dropping grades,

sneaking out;

she stopped listening and become another woman.

so my parents became worried,

and took her door off it's hinges.

at twelve i lost my trust for both my parents.

they told me they'd always have my back

and they'd always have my back.

and they just lost trust in each other.

the spark that stayed alive for twenty-two years; died.

like two inseparable pieces, unable to break-

snapped.

anger and rage flooded my brain.

dark things swished left and right,

but then i was too young.

i didn't understand what was happening.

now i look back, and see the sparkle of hope in my eyes-

died.

i sit at my vanity at fourteen,

the boy i thought i loved, left me behind.

i loved him so much, i blinded myself

i chose to ignore the bad.

he made it my fault.

made me look like the bad guy.

all my trust for anyone;

faded.

i watch tv

Riley walks into my room with

puffy eyes and shuts the door.

she lays her small, dirty blonde head on my lap-

and cries. and cries. and cries.

" he broke up with me ", she sobs.

that's when the trust i had for boys:

died.

now i sit here at my laptop,

on my bed,

fifteen and growing into who i am supposed to be.

i write this poem in confidence.

when i was five, trust was just some thingy that meant a lot to grown ups;

at seven,

i watched my brother leave me alone.

all alone.

he would never hold me again- the next time i saw him i was thirteen.

" you're too big now, i can't hold you " he said.

big girls can't be held.

at nine.

i watched my sister morph into an entirely new person

just at night,

i watched her jump out her window into the arms of darkness.

she would says, " time to be a big girl. don't tell mommy and daddy ".

big girls don't tattle tale.

at twelve,

i watched my family fall apart before me.

mom went one way dad went the other.

i always watched them go the same way before,

daddy pulled me aside and said,

" time to be a big girl and help me take care of you ".

big girls don't rely on others.

i'm no longer too young.

i understand.

depression floods my head.

anxiety takes over my body,

i was trapped.

i am trapped.

fourteen is hard.

my heart drilled itself

out of my chest,

and gave itself to him.

it's too bad he didn't want it.

he said, " time to put on your big girl pants and

forget us ".

big girls don't reminisce.

Fourteen.

My sister sits in my lap.

Tearing her heart and mind up.

I watch as her heart tried to tape itself up,

And as her mind kills itself.

She says, ' it's okay. Big girls don't cry. '

Big girls don't feel.

Now i realize,

That trust isn't a thingy.

Trust means nothing to me anymore.

I watched my entire family lose

Trust for each other and for those,

They put their life into.

Trust issues.

Something people have.

Something people have to live with.

Something people don't approve of.

Something that ruins lives.

Something that puts a dent in love.

Trust issues.

Bullshit.