Kenadee's Poems

first times

the first time i kissed a boy: i was in fifth grade, and sitting underneath the school bleachers. there were people chanting us on, so i took his face and kissed him. our glasses clinked together, and his lips fortunately tasted like spearmint.

the first time i kissed a girl: i was in sixth grade, and we were reading the Guinness Book of World Records and saw the record for longest kiss. we wanted to set a new record. so we kissed for what we though was three hours- though it was only three minutes. we were (ironically) in her closet when her mom came and told us dinner was ready. we never spoke about it again. we aren't even friends anymore.

the first time i cut myself: i was in seventh grade. i made sure to do it winter so i wore long sleeves, but i wasn't smart enough to do it in a spot where no one would notice. my teacher noticed, sent me to the counselor and informed my parents. that was an awkward and never ending conversation. it's hard telling the people who brought you to life that you want to die.

the first time i made myself throw up: i was in eighth grade at a friend's pool party. i looked at the girls around me and how good they looked in their bikinis- and how different i looked. so i went to the bathroom and stuck two fingers down my throat three different times. my puke was purple. i flushed the toilet and walked back to the pool, ready to swim.

the first time i got drunk: i was in eighth grade and my sister was throwing a party. my sister and i share the same friends, so i was allowed to come and party too. being 100lbs. at the time, it only took two Mikes Harder Lemonades to get me drunk. i stood on the pool table and rapped Black & Yellow by Wiz Khalifa. i eventually went to the toilet and threw up and fell asleep in the hallway. i woke up with a headache, no shirt on and in my bed.

the first time i smoked weed: i was in ninth grade. i did it with two friends who i thought were experienced enough to help me. i was wrong. behind my shed; i shared less than a gram, and smoked it out of a mountain dew can with three holes in it. i did it wrong, so i didn't get high. i vowed to never smoke with those people ever again. a horrible first experience.

the first time i broke up with a boyfriend: i was in ninth grade, and we had been dating for eight gruesome months. he was mentally and verbally abusive. he cheated on me so many times i lost count. he degraded me. and did so much more that i couldn't see throughout those eight months. i was one of those girls that was blinded by " love ". i broke up with him on Christmas Eve- feeling no remorse about the bad timing. for five months after i ended the relationship, he made my life a living hell by spreading nasty rumors and getting his girls to text me on social media and make me feel bad about myself. i never regretted ending that relationship.

the first time i got my heart broken: i was in tenth grade. he was a senior. he was hot, and popular, and someone that everyone wanted; so you could imagine my surprise when he wanted me. you know the intermediate stage between friends and dating? we did that for almost a year. he urged me to send him pictures of me in my underwear. not thinking, i did so. he sent me pictures and videos back. he told me he loved me. i believed it. he kissed me. i kissed back. he grabbed me in places i didn't want to be grabbed. he did stuff to me i didn't want to happen. but not wanting to ruin what we had, i let it happen. without saying word, he blocked me on all social media and stopped talking to me. finally, he began dating one of my best friends. she no longer speaks to me, he still sends me lusting looks during our awkward eye contact in the hallway. after he left, i wanted to die.

the first time i realized i was bisexual: i was in tenth grade (although i knew i was bisexual in seventh grade). i would catch myself staring at butts and boobs, following accounts on instagram, watching a specific category on netflix, and feeling differently when a girl touched me. i felt as if it should feel wrong, but nothing ever felt so good. i had two good friends that were openly bisexual and one good friend that was closeted gay- so it was clearly okay. but having homophobic family and close-minded siblings made it not okay. so i shut it out and it ate me alive inside. i am presently ashamed of myself for being so scared.