Forever please~ Richie tozier + Reader

Going crazy ~ day 7

When I lay in bed, emotion runs through my body. Energy, sadness, loneliness and just emptiness. A loss of whole. Richie. A piece to my heart.

It's too much. I'm 17 and I feel too much.

In my rented apartment , there's a balcony in my room. It was around 2 AM. My feet moved without thought, heaving my weight out of bed. I feel bad for the old lady who had to sleep on these bedspings before me because, damn my back hurts.

My feet tingled with cold on the tiles below me. Below my heels, the balls of my feet making shivers shoot up. Who the fuck installs tiles in a room. My fuzzy brain darts to irrelevant thoughts, thinking about everything but the reason I'm awake.

My steps led to the door of the small balcony. The door being glass, covered by a grey curtain. The pads of my fingers reached out, touching the material, thumb running over the fabric. I grabbed the opening and pulled it apart, enough to be able to slide the door open. The night was so clear. So starry. Dazzling, a wonder how such a beautiful night like this exists in Derry.

It's actually not a wonder, We aren't populated so there's less pollution to block out the sky.

When I unlock the lock and slide it open with a click,a warm breeze floods in the room. A nice one. One that makes you want to go to Denny's and talk about the world. Once again, my feet move by themselves, walking out and out until they're touching the slightly cool wood that the balcony was constructed of, creaky, loud. Makes me feel less lonely.

I stepped, not far, I couldn't have gone that far, it was such a small balcony god knows why it was added. I go to the end, the apartment being on the 16th floor. I call it a house often by accident. It's so high but my brain is higher. My heart being low, heavy, heaving the weight of love I carry like a soaked sponge.

Anyway, my hands grab the railing in front of me and I lean over, my fingers barley wrap around the bar. Watching the bare street, waiting for a BFG, or a cat, maybe an angel, white flashes of a beautiful, pure, virgin. To be honest, anything alive. Anything.

Without thought once again, which seems to be an ongoing theme, I swing my calf over, it thuds against the bar giving a slight pain, but I don't care, I'm too pumped with adrenaline.

And I sort of blacked out the part where I climbed up until I was standing on the thick railing. The loosely constructed wood creaked beneath me as if to say 'oh dear lord we weren't meant for this'. My hands shakily grabbed my torso. Balancing myself. I stared at the ground. The hard, cold, uninviting ground that looked too clean to be splattered with blood tonight.

Too bad.

I breathed, my body felt numb. The tears burning my cheeks almost going unnoticed if it weren't for the stinging air. I was shaking, my balance was gonna be lost and god damnit I need to find it.

I'm counting before I even know it.

1

2

3

I waited for the hard thump of my body to hit the pavement. My ribs cracking for miles and skull shattering in the night, the only noise floating through Maine. But no because.

This isn't my time.

My sister, she's still alive, fighting for me. Richie is too, doing better. My moms true colors shone through and I have a chance to go to college. Get a job, have kids with richie.

Hell, I have had clean water and clean clothes for 17 years and who am I to waste that?

I shakily lowered myself. Squatting.

When I was a kid I laughed at this stance. It looked funny.

When I undid my thighs from the outside of the ledge I hopped down. Hugging myself, realizing that I had absolutely nobody to hug. Some shakey sobs escaped my lips before I started giggling. I looked at the stars, searching. Searching for the same stars that I gazed at from the sunroof of Richie's sports car. Maybe I am going crazy.