Hood Love. The Roc and Vanessa Diaries

Chapter Four: Week 3

Okay so you all don't get confused, this starts at the 3rd week since Roc brought Nessa home.

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3 Weeks Old

It's been only three weeks and I'm dying. My eyes feel heavier than they ever have, my ears are bleeding. I feel so shitty I don't know what to do with myself.

There's bags of frozen formula in the freezer that need to be thawed out by 6 or she'll scream her head off while she waits.

I've never understood fatherhood. My own father hated me himself, Ray had help with the twins and Cruz, Prod met Gia when she was 2. It's something they don't understand.

I lay in my bed with my eyes wide open because no matter how tight I close them and pray for sleep, the nightmare comes into my eyes, but with my eyes open the nightmare stares me in the face.

She's an exact replica of her. One time she screamed so loud and so long I yelled at her, 'Breanna! Shut up!' She didn't understand me. She just kept on screaming and Keisha had to run down and takeover.

That was the first night I actually slept for a couple hours, because after that Keisha gave me the rules.

The Rules:

I am not Vanessa's mother.

I will not pretend or act like I'm her mother.

After 12am I'm off the clock.

At 11pm I'm on the clock.

Shitty diapers belong to you and only you.

When she sleeps, you sleep.

When she's awake, you're awake.

It's time to grow up and be a man Chresanto, this is what it's about.

All those mean nothing to me, because after the first week she helped me anyway, but I knew it wouldn't last long.

After raising me for so long she wanted to go away for awhile, there was a college she wanted to go to for Music Management/Production. When Nessa is 6 weeks old, I'll be alone in this.

That's only 3 weeks away. And now she's screaming.

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3 Weeks and 2 days.

Something happened today that made me throw up and cry all at the same time.

When I picked Nessa up from her bassinet beside my bed, it was as if her face changed and for a moment I looked into Bre's face. I was turned by my bed and I dropped her because it scared me. She screamed and I started to cry my damn self.

Keisha rushed in to see Nessa on my bed and me bawling like a baby and she just sighed and took her.

'This is getting old Chresanto,' she grumbles to me, 'Real old.'

She doesn't understand how badly I know it's true. Here I am crying like an infant while my baby needs me. The hard part is I'm not sure if I can manage it. Manage staring into the face of her mother knowing that she's in a coma probably not knowing anything, while I'm here alive and healthy taking care of our kid. And barely doing a good job at that.

After she said that I went to my bathroom to throw up, I could feel it coming. I was so scared and afraid it kept on coming until I only had water left.

I could've killed her by dropping her and then I'd truly be alone. I'd fail her dad and her brother, my sister, my friends, I'd fail Bre.

It hurts so much to think of that possibility, I love my baby. I love her but I'm afraid to look at her. Afraid that I'll see her mom again and freak out.

It's only when I lift her up to me or when she screams do I see her mother, it's as if she's punishing me from her comatose state through our daughter by making me look at her face. Her bruised and battered face with her eyes shut appearing as if they want to open any second. But all my eyes want to do right now is close.

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3 Weeks and 6 Days

This must be it. The day when you finally think: Damn I'm a dad.

I left Nessa at home today by accident. All by herself for almost two hours and I almost killed myself to get back to her.

Prince called me and asked if I wanted to chill with him and the guys for a couple hours, like old times before all the kids. I said yes immediately, and put on some basketball shorts, a wife beater and some J's.

I kissed Nessa and ran upstairs, the TV was on and I ran past yelling out to Keisha to watch Nessa.

I hopped in my truck and sped to his house, I got all the way there and right to the front door before my cell phone rang.

'Hello?' I ask.

'Roc do you want anything before I come home?'

'Huh?'

'I slept over Lea's house you want anything to eat? Need any formula?'

'Oh shit!' I scream and hang up before doing a 360 and speeding back.

I kicked my shoes off by the door and tiptoed over to her. She was still in her bassinet, smelling like breastmilk and Dreft.

She was still asleep, breathing in deeply, tiny as ever. And I broke down again. If she had been a little but older she would've woken up in darkness. Cried and cried and realized that her daddy was not there. Her daddy had forgotten her. If she had been a little older she would've kicked and kicked her legs until she was too tired and fallen asleep with a tear-stricken face, afraid that I would leave her again.

But she isnt any older, she's 3 weeks old and trusting that I'll be here no matter what. I took off my shirt because it was hot even though it was only 11:30 in the morning, and I picked her up. She had on thin onesie and baby socks. I took her socks off and laid her on my chest as I closed my eyes and went to sleep along with her.

She woke up a few hours later and that's where we are now. She's been awake for seven hours, a new record by far, she's planning on keeping me up all night.

It's almost 10 and I'm just watching her yawn as she watches me. She closes her eyes but won't stay asleep. My baby's so nosy.

She's listening to me breathe as I listen to her breathe. She breathes so fast and light, as if she's hyperventilating, but she's not.

She has tummy time now since she won't go to sleep, she lifts her head once every few seconds.

She stays quiet if I read while I write, like I'm doing now. She likes my voice, I can tell. Just like her mother did.