Hood Love. The Roc and Vanessa Diaries

Chapter Eight: Week 10, 11 & 12

Well Nessa actually is about 3 months. This is the last diary entry Roc will write. Next is the Epilogue.

Enjoy!

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10 Weeks Old

Nessa is a drooling monster now. All she does is drool over everything, including me. I fell asleep with her on my chest and woke up with a giant wet spot.

Shes sleeping through the night mostly now too. She's my alarm clock though, getting me up at 6, since I have school and all.

Now that she's old enough I leave her with Lolo in the mornings so I can go to alternative school so I can graduate. Since I abandoned school after Nyla came back, I fell behind. I could've done online school but Ray and Prince had school to do too that they could only go in and finish.

Alternative School was just like regular school, except it was meant to make us feel stupid. Still had the wannabe gangsters, the hoodrats who couldn't keep their legs closed, the wild pretty girls with more abortions than grades on their report cards, the pregnant girls, the dumbass bad kids, and the kids that didn't want to be there but had no choice. Only difference is, the state thought we were dumber than the rest, but little did they know they had some of the smartest kids in the dumbass Alternative School.

Us three were in the last category, along with a girl we let into our little crew, she had started working with HOV, her name was Janae. She was 17 and a typical born hoodrat smart ass tryna get out the hood.

She had two sons, a 4 year old and a 1 year old, Tyler and Joel, and they were as bad as they came. She was alright to look at, had some big titties but a small butt. Her face was alright, and she kept her weave straight, but she wasn't nowhere near Bre, but she did provide a good ear.

She was easy to talk to, even though she could get hella rude and defensive. She had been in the same boat as Prod, lost her momma and her dad had run off but returned.

She was a good worker too. Since she was pretty she'd help us lure people in, she also looked like a good girl so she could sling easily too.

She even watched Nessa sometimes when I worked at night, when I don't want to overwhelm Lolo, and since Keisha went off to school, she helps.

Today was actually the first day of the daycare opening though, so we had to bring our kids to school with us. The Alternative School had a daycare where we could drop our kids off.

The only reason Lolo didn't have Nessa was because she and Ray were both required at school on the first day of the daycare with Cruz and the twins.

I met up with everyone at the security door, except Prince. "Where's the pretty boy?" I removed the blanket over Nessa's carrier and put it over her feet.

"Some emergency he had to get to," Ray shrugged.

"Ali?" I asked, confused. Since everything we had all gotten close and Ali was like a little sister to me.

"Nah, some girl called him and he jumped up in a hurry. I ain't even know he had a new girl."

I shrugged, we had all wanted Prince and Nelly to get together but after ole dude died and the dinner, she's been avoiding the whole crew besides Lolo, she hadn't even seen Nessa yet.

"Alright well they're heavy," Lolo held a sleeping Raylan on her shoulder and Lance in a carrier while Ray held an empty carrier.

"Where's Cruz?" I looked for my lil buddy but he wasn't here.

"First day of preschool was this morning at 7:30," Lolo smiled softly. "Now these rugrats," she handed Ray Lance's carrier and we all walked in.

When we got through the security check we walked down the hall to the little daycare and saw Janae who was bent down talking to Joel who was grabbing her leg tightly.

She turned when she heard us approach and she stood up, "Oh hey," she picked up Joel, "See, Raylan and Lance are here and Nessa," she spoke to Joel softly but he still looked ready to start crying.

"How long you been here?" I asked.

"Since 9, we been out here fifteen minutes he got a few more minutes before I leave his little bad ass." She rolled her eyes.

"Just wait, he'll be running straight in, Cruz did this morning he was ready to go," Lo laughed and walked towards the daycare door, Ray and I followed to meet the instructor.

******

Later

By the time 1:30 hit, I was ready to get my baby and go home, but Prince called us and asked us to meet him at Quiznos, our usual hangout spot.

By the time me, Ray and Prod got to Quiznos it was 2 and hot as hell.

We were all crowded at a smaller table cause it was under a fan.

"Damn nigga it's hot as shit and you got me coming out with my baby," I groaned as Nessa whined in her carrier. "What you want?"

"I got a kid." He said it outright and we all turned to look at him.

"What?" Prod bounced Gia on his knee though she was getting restless.

"I got a kid. A little boy," he said plainly.

"Nelly pregnant?" I asked, if she was I knew that'd be a trial, she didn't much like Prince at the moment.

"Nigga," Prince gave me a dumb look, "I haven't been back with Nelly since she miscarried and got pissed at me."

"Oh yeah," I mumbled out.

"So who the hell is the mother?" Ray ate from a tiny cup of jalapeños.

"This girl I dated even before Ornella, Teresa." He paused, "He's almost 2, his name is Noah."

"Whoa wait you're legit?" Prod's eyes widened, "When did you find out?"

"Like two weeks ago, when she got pregnant her mom took her out of school, took all her shit and shipped her to Washington state, she just got back a month ago and she seen me at Target. " he continued, "Seen him for the first time today, I went over there after the test results."

"Shit," my eyes widened next, "What the hell you gon tell Nelly?"

"Nothing, what she need an explanation for, she never comes around anymore anyway."

"So what you gonna do with the kid?" Ray asked.

"Don't know, guess we co-parenting. Thing is I barely know her, we dated legit like three weeks."

"Well," Prod shrugged and set Gia in a chair next to him.

"This is fucking crazy man," Prince ran a hand through his hair, "I never thought about kids after Nelly's miscarriage, now I got one. She got me watching him all next week, starting tomorrow, she tryna talk to her mom in San Francisco."

"So that means you on baby duty just like us now," I had Nessa on my shoulder and she was starting to fall asleep.

"Yep, we all officially need vasectomies," Prince groaned.

"Hell naw, my balls hanging right where they at," Ray jumped up as his phone rang loudly.

"Ball?" Gia perked up at the mention, thinking the toy, and Prod blanched, "Hell naw, time to go."

It was just me and Prince for a second as I got Nessa's stuff together, "Slightly pissed," He said as he held Nessa who still slept.

"Why?" I looked over at him.

"I won't ever get to tell my boy I saw his birth. Or cut the cord, or heard his first cry. Or see him walk and crawl, all that."

"I didn't see Nessa born, or the cord or heard her cry. I didn't see her until she was more than a day old, I mean that's no comparison but I missed some of the biggest events in her life and that shit sucks, but what can we do but keep going. Prod does and he missed Gia do more than even our kids. Does he talk yet?"

"Naw, he only makes noise but nothing intelligible." He paused, "No, he did say something."

"What?" I had everything and I took Nessa from Prince.

"He pointed at me and said 'Da' a few minutes after we met, she must've told him who I was or something."

"Well shit," I put Nessa in her carseat, "You got his first words at least, he called you dad basically."

"I know," he sighed, "Had me feel some type of way, not bad, just weird."

"I can imagine, he's your seed, and he announced who you were, shit seems monumental."

"It was man," we were at our cars and he shook his head, "Oh here's a picture of him," he took out his phone and showed me a picture of a smiling little boy with very light skin, curly dark brown hair and big brown eyes.

"Cute kid," I nodded, he shrugged and we paused, "Well I'm gonna take her home," I put Nessa in the car and we dapped before parting ways.

On the way home I thought about how crazy it was that Prince of all people would have a kid, before me at that. I remember us working for HOV back in middle school, meeting each other and only slinging rocks. We always said the same thing. We would get a bunch of money, fuck a bunch of irrelevant females until like 24 then get married at 25, have kids and get out the game when the kids were 5.

Obviously all that shit went out the window when Cruz was born, then Gia and Prince's kid Noah, the twins, then Nessa.

It's crazy as hell. The only one closest to marriage would be Ray and the only girl he ever fucked was Lolo, but they far from marriage, I could tell, we all could tell.

But I knew one thing, I didn't want to stay with HOV until Nessa was 5, I wanted to leave as early as I could. If I could pick up and leave now, I would.

I rubbed my neck where a faint scar still remained, that was the only thing holding me back. The chip HOV had put in all of his workers, the tracker.

With that HOV would find me anywhere, meaning he'd find Nessa, and if he hurt my baby, I would kill him.

******

11 Weeks

Nessa can suck her thumb now, sorta, she can sit with support too.

It's crazy, she used to just be a little blob of crying, pooping fat and now she's still a blob of fat that smiles and sucks her thumb.

When she has back time, she'll put her hands up weakly and bring them to her mouth, she prefers her thumbs, left and right, my baby is ambidextrous like me.

It's funny, how much like me she is. She looks like me, big ole eyes, thick hair, lightbright. It makes me wonder how much of her mom she'll look like when she gets older, what she'll become.

I took her to the pool for the first time a few days ago. There's this float made for babies that goes around their neck an keeps them up. I held her most of the time though, and she stared at me the whole time we were out there with Lolo and the kids.

My relationship with Lolo has changed drastically too. She doesn't have hate towards me like she did, but I know deep down she still resents me for my actions in the past.

******

11 Weeks and 4 Days

Yesterday Nessa cried when I left her. I didn't know it till I came back to pick her up at Ray and Lo's house.

"You shoulda seen her face when she woke up and I picked her up," Ray told me. He had stayed home because he was trying to avoid a test. "Stank lil ass face," he laughed as she lay in my arms staring at me.

I laughed too and she stuck her tongue out and yawned, "Betta be salty."

"Naw nigga, she mean." He flopped on the couch and picked up Lance who reached up for him.

"Your babies mean," I had Raylan on my lap and she was carefully trying to take off Nessa's sock, but failing miserably, like any 1 year old would. "Lance bit me last time I came over here."

"Did Lo pop her?" Ray laughed.

"Ionknow I was looking at my leg, what if I got rabies," I got close to Raylan's face and she giggled pushing me away.

"Your baby drooled all over herself. I had to change her shirt like five times. She teething or what?"

"Almost three months? I doubt it, Doc said its normal so idunno." I touched Nessa's chin, making her open her mouth, no teeth or nubs, just baby gums.

"Teething sucks nigga, all they did was cry. All these daaaaa--rn crybabies," his eyes widened as the door opened and Lolo walked in with Cruz who had a big smile.

"Look daddy!" He had a paper in his hand and showed his dad a picture, "Is me an you when we go to the shoe place."

Cruz meant SneakerCon, and it was a crudely but cute drawing of little Cruz beside a tall Ray, both with two braids and what looked like shoes all around them. "I get A." Cruz smiled and Ray smiled back at him.

For a three year old the picture was pretty advanced, "Look at you drawing and shit all good. I'm proud of you lil dude, you got five A's this week."

"Yeah five," Cruz put up four fingers and Ray pulled his thumb out to make a five, "I smart like you daddy."

"Yeah lil man, you are smart. Stay smart so you can get smarter than me. Don't get into crazy shit like I did."

******

3 Months

I never imagined that I could go 3 months without seeing my love ever look at me again. A long while ago all I could think of was seeing her everyday. Driving to her house and picking her up for school, driving her back home and sometimes laying up in her bed with her doing homework, well when we did go to school.

I never thought a kid would get thrown in the mix, we were always careful, not careful enough.

Hurts me to my core everytime I think of the possibility that Nessa might not have been born because of me. I'm glad her mother was stubborn and loving, and responsible. I love my Nessa so much it, I want to protect her forever.

I look at her everyday and can't think of my life without her, without hearing her coo every morning, her whining when she wants only me, how she stares at me when I hold her, focusing on my face and looking like she wants to speak.

Her little fat light skin self with her bone straight thick hair and big ass brown eyes that look just like mine.

When she woke up today, I knew today would be good. At 1 we left the house and I took her to this duck pond Keisha used to bring me to when I was little; the ducks still as greedy, the benches still a rusty grey, but the playground is newer.

I guess after years of kids breaking arms and legs the city finally decided to replace hard cement with soft bouncy rubber; the wood chips caused splinters galore. It's a cool thing now. Mostly metal with foam plastic covering, the only thing wooden is the 3 house tree house; three big trees (man made of course) each connected by suspended bridges. It's cool how it is, they had this guy build it on TV. One house is in a hollowed tree with stairs to get you to the other two.

That's where we found Prod and Gia. Gee had Prod decked in a tutu and a crown with pink nail polish splattered on his fingers.

"Unka Woc!" Gee squealed when she saw me and Nessa and she made us join in, minus the costumes.

Prod gave me a look while Gia decorated Nessa in stickers, "Two hours man, been here two hours and she decides to have a royal tea party with water and roses or water and dirt, mixed with a political debate about red monkey toys or yellow panda toys, and a costume party where I'm a princess."

I laughed and he shook his head, "Just you wait till Nessa turns 3, all this laughing I'm gonna do it to you when she has you in lipstick and eyeshadow."

"Hell naw," I laughed out loud and shook my head, "Ain't no makeup she can have. Keisha got her bathroom on lock already. Nessa gon be a tomboy."

"Yeah yeah sure," he grumbled to me and rolled his eyes when Gia came back, but as soon as he turned to her his face lit up as he followed every instruction she gave him, holding his pinky up, holding his hands together, saying yes or no when necessary, everything.

It was interesting watching them and I wondered really if I would be like that. After leaving the tree house, I took Nessa to the pond. She was more alert than normal as the ducks quacking surrounded her.

There was a duck on the bench we sat on and she stared at it as I held her a few feet away. It paid no attention to us, it sat on the bench with its eyes closed.

I cautiously reached out a hand and touched its head, just by feeling its feathers I knew it was old and tired. It made a noise as if it quacked but not very loud.

I left it alone after that and stared at Nessa who stared with baby eyes at the duck. To my surprise though, there were small quacks alongside the duck, and a few moments later a yellow fuzzy thing was on the ducks back and staring over at us.

The duck who I assumed was a mother quickly went protective and woke up, glaring at us cautiously. The duckling went back over to its mother's side is the duck made different grinding noises, but nuzzled the little one.

I got up after that, holding my baby close to me and walking around the pond. Anything that related to a mother made my heart hurt. I had grown up without a mother and a father and I knew how it felt to wonder. Especially without a mother you feel out of place.

I love Keisha for stepping up when my own mother didn't care or want to and eventually died, but I knew there was an empty place in my heart where my mother should've been. That's what makes me hurt every night, makes me want to cry but I know I can't. Not the absence of my mother, but that Nessa has to face the absence of her own mother. She has three 'aunts' in her life who absolutely love and adore her, working on a fourth, but no one can be her mother, not full time and not without her questioning.

I look down at my baby and I find she's asleep, when she's asleep she's a perfect replica of her mom. Her lips look pouty like her mom's did. Her eyelashes are crazy long, her eyebrows look like they're already arched. Her eye color is changing too, it's getting darker, even more chocolate than mine, but there's a hint of silvery grey in it.

Her hair is still soft and straight, but there's wisps in it that are turning curly. I wonder everyday if I'll be a good father. Can I do her hair when she gets older? Can I teach her to be girly.

I want to move from LA when she gets older. I want her to be able to go in the backyard and not worry about if Daddy's enemies will bust through the house and kidnap her or kill her or Daddy. I want her to go to school and be able to get good grades and show me pictures too.

I want her to be happy. I want her to run around outside and tell me she loves me and I'm the best daddy in the world. I want her to feel safe in my arms and come to me for anything. I want to get her out of this hood.

This Hood Love is good love, but not the love I want for my daughter. Not the love I want for my baby. And since I'm all she's got as a parent, I wanna raise her right, and this hood love isn't gonna cut it.