Lost Without You

11

Jenya walked out of the office and found the nearest room. She closed the door behind her and allowed her knees to give out. Tears forced themselves out, creating a never ending flow.

She hated herself. She hated how she had fallen for a man that could never love her. She hated how helpless she was. She hated everything.

She was tired of fight— of pretending she was okay. She was tired of people avoiding her and pretending things were okay.

She just wanted it all to stop.

She had turned to alcohol to get away from her problems and when that wasn't enough, drugs provided a temporary relief. She hated the thought of the substances, but it was her only way to escape.

"Jenya, I know you're in there." A voice said as the door handle was jiggled.

Jenya pushed herself further into the corner and wrapped herself up tighter. She hoped to disappear— to melt into the wall.

"Jenya, please, open the door." The voice tried again.

"Leave me alone, Lukas. Just go!" She hissed.

She could visibly see him sigh from the other side of the door, "I just want to talk, Jenibean."

Reluctantly, she went to unlock the door and allowed the one person she didn't want to see inside her safety space.

"You are an absolute mess." He muttered, as he sank down next to her.

"Oh, how kind!" She sobbed, "I so appreciate you honesty. Now if that's all you have to say, take your ass out of here and leave me alone."

His arm found its way around her shoulders and pulled her in closer to him. Her head fell against his chest, taking in the all to familiar scent of him.

He was her addiction and there was no cure for it. There was no rehab, no substitute, no abstinence.

He brought her feelings out. He brought out the best and worst of her. He was always there for her. He was her friend and lover.

He was hers.

Jenya had pushed him so far away, though, that she had lost all connection with him. Everything they had worked their whole lives for erupted in flames by a mere separation.

"I shouldn't have treated you the way I did." Lukas whispered, "I should've been there for you and then none of this would happened."

"It would've happened." She whispered, "We were already broken. We would have crashed and burned either way."

"I loved you, Jenya. I had a future planned for us. I had a timeline written out— when we'd marry, when we'd get our first house, our first kid." Lukas replied.

Jenya felt her heart tear in two. She had had a plan for the two of them. The day he left her, he obliterated the plan.

"You left me. I gave myself to you and you left me. You call that love?" Jenya snuffed, pushing herself off of the floor.

Lukas looked back at her with wide eyes, "Yes I do."

Jenya scoffed, "You are a fool then."

Lukas flung himself up also, coming closer to her. Jenya took her stance behind a sofa, leaving the piece of furniture between them, "I am no fool, Jenya. You are the fool for believing I would leave you. You are the fool for turning to drugs. I could have been there for you."

"Then where did you go? Where the hell were you when I woke up that next morning? You had promised me to stay with me forever. I trusted you. I gave myself to you."

The tears began to fall unmercifully. The pain she had kept in her chest swelled, threatening to burst.

"I gave you myself too, Jenya." Lukas whispered.

That was it— the last straw. Her pain was now anger. Jenya picked up the nearest object and chunked it at him. The sound it made as it connected with his face and then the floor reverberated.

Lukas stared at her as she stared back at him.

Blood began to trickle down his face in slow, dark lines. He had a cut on his head.

"Jenya—" he started, his voice borderline calm.

Jenya backed up towards the door, "I am so sorry. I... I just... I'm going to go."

Lukas grabbed her by the arm and turned her around, "I need you to listen to me. I lied to you. That night we spent together— I was scared. I wanted to spend my last moments with you. That morning, I was suppose to leave for the warfront. And I did."

Jenya was lost for words. He had never told her. He had never even mentioned the warfront, nor did his parents.

"I was scared." He whispered, his hand cupping her face, "I was afraid to lose you. I was afraid that if I went to war and died, it would hurt you. I wanted to leave you like that to protect you and it was wrong. I should never have done that to you and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." Jenya replied, falling against his chest.

His arms wrapped around her and held her close. It was exactly what she needed. It was what she wanted. She wanted to feel safe and protected and loved.

For so long, she had felt neglected by her family. Her parents worked constantly. Her brother was too busy changing the world. Her other siblings were busy with school.

She grew up with a governess, learning everything from that one woman. When her governess died, Jenya was left alone. She had no one to direct her or to confide in.

But now, she had the one thing she needed. Her man. Her love. Her Lukas.