High School // Malec

Chapter 39.

It wasn't until I had explained my plan to Catarina that I realised that it never would work. I hate flying more than anything and besides, my wallet is hilariously empty at the moment. There's no way that I'm going to be able to afford an airplane ticket all the way to Indonesia.
- Alec, are you okay?
Catarina who still sat beside me on my bed looked at me with worried eyes. Her voice sounded calm, but I knew her well enough to know that it was all an act. Catarina was just as heartbroken and devastated as I was over the horrible fact that the two of us might never see Magnus again.
- I can't go all the way to Indonesia. You're right, it's too big and it could take me years to find Magnus. I just have to accept that I'm probably never going to see him again, I said and tears started to make their way down my cheeks painfully slow
- Alexander, please don't say that. We don't know for sure that Magnus won't return back to New York
Catarina's words brought more tears to my eyes and I could feel how my heart shattered into pieces. Hearing my full name brought back all the good and bad memories of Magnus.
- Please don't call me that, I whispered and tried to keep myself and all of my feelings together
- I'm sorry, Catarina answered and looked at me with pain in her eyes
We sat in silence beside each other on my bed for what felt like forever. It still felt unrealistic and unreal that Magnus had moved to Indonesia and left me and everyone else without a goodbye, but I knew it was true. The worst part about all of this shit is that I know he left because of me. He couldn't stand staying here in New York anymore because everything reminded him of me. If I hadn't been so cruel and screamed those horrible things at him, he would still be here with me. I honestly never thought that I would miss the presence of someone as much as I miss the presence of Magnus. The truth is, I really don't deserve him. He's the most beautiful person I ever have met and I know that deep down, I'm never going to find someone like him again.
- Do you want me to leave? Catarina carefully asked after a while
- No, I stuttered and felt how my heart started beating a lot faster
The last thing I wanted at the moment was to be alone. I know that I have been ignoring my whole family since the day Max died, but there is something different with Catarina. She doesn't make me talk if I don't want to and only her company can make the enormous lump in my throat disappear. I truly understand why Magnus likes Catarina so much. She is an amazing friend and even though we haven't known each other for that long or barely talked in school, I know that I can count on her in times like this.
- I'll stay as long as you want me to. We'll get through this together, Catarina answered and put both of her arms around me in a hug that actually made me feel a lot better
- Thank you, I whispered
Catarina gave me a comforting smile and pulled me closer to her body.
- You really love him, don't you? Catarina suddenly asked when she saw how I kept looking at the background on my telephone that was a picture of me and Magnus
In the picture, Magnus was smiling bright than the sun while I was pressing a kiss to his caramel cheek.
- I really do. I wish I could explain his eyes and how the sound of his beautiful voice gives me butterflies or how his stunning smile makes my heart skip a beat and how every time I'm with him, I feel complete
- You have a very beautiful way too see things, Alec. This world needs a lot more people like you, Cat said
- No, the world doesn't need more suicidal teenagers who can't even make their boyfriend stay with them, I answered and let out a sigh
- No matter what happens, I want you to remember that Magnus always will love you. He has been in a couple of relationships, but I have never seen him as happy as he is with you. Alec, you showed Magnus what love is all about. All of his past relationships was always about sex. They never saw what an amazing person he is, but you did, Cat said
- He deserves the world, I answered and felt how tears started to make their way down my cheeks again
- You deserve the world too. I won't say that I know what it feels like to lose someone that you love, but I know that you'll survive this. From everything I have heard from Magnus, you're the strongest person I know and if someone can get through this, it's you, Catarina said with a loving facial expression
- I want to survive this, but it feels like I'm drowning in all the pain. Everything hurts, I whispered
- If you're going through hell, keep doing. If you're at your lowest, there's only one way and that's up
I didn't know what to answer so instead I hugged Catarina. What she said actually made me feel a lot better and I knew that deep down, I would get through this, at least that's what I hope. Max would never want me to give up and that's exactly why I'm going to keep fighting. Catarina left after a couple of hours of doing nothing. We watched a couple of movies together and when she finally left, I allowed myself to cry again. The horrible pain in my chest was back and before I knew it, my silent cries turned into hysterical sobbing. All I wanted was for Magnus to hold me in his strong arms and tell me that everything would be okay, but that's only going to happen in my sweet dreams. If I'm going to be honest, I never thought that things would turn out this way. I still hate myself for not remembering barley any childhood memories that I have with Magnus, but I guess that a few memories are better than nothing. I just wish that we could have skipped all of the bullying and the hate comments and gotten together from the beginning instead, but most of all, I wish that I never had left Magnus all those years ago. If I had stayed with him even though Jace had appeared into my life, he would probably have been laying here beside me now.
- I miss you, Magnus. Why did you have to leave me, I whispered

// TBC \\

Poor Alec 😭