I Constantly Thank God For Solangelo

Trans Positivity Week - Tuesday - Solidarity

It's been about a week since Nico has gotten his first binder, and everything is absoulety glorious. It's amazing how happy a binder has made him feel, in the span of a week as well.

He just loves the feeling of the tightness on his chest, as weird as that may sound. He loved being able to go out without feeling the need to wear his sweatshirt, and he loved that his chest was finally flat.

But, slowly, the happiness went away. As the days go by, he finds himself thinking about the binder. Why he has the binder, why he needs it. What's hiding underneath it and how his chest is not flat. He thinks about why it's flat now and how he doesn't want to binder to make it appear flat when it's not.

He slowly starts hating his binder. But he needs it.

He hates his binder, but he also hates having to take it off. He hates how he can't sleep in it, and he hates how that he can only wear it for eight hours. He hates that he can't leave it on all the time.

He guesses he doesn't really hate his binder, he just hates how it's made him feel, think, and act. It wasn't like this before he got it, but at the same time it was.

Some days, before his binder, he would look in the mirror, and just feel so incredibly sad. And he didn't like to feel sad when he was looking at himself.

He blames the person who commented on his chest a little more than a week back. He hadn't really noticed how big his chest was until then, and it sent him into a whole new spiral of insecurities. He really hates feeling like this.

He decides that the binder is a gift and a curse. Because, thanks to the binder, he starts noticing a few other things about himself.

Like his cheeks. They were slightly chubby, too squishy to be a males. His height, he was to short to be a male. His eyelashes, they were to long and thick. His jaw, covered in a slim layer of fat, was to soft and curved for his liking. His stomach was also an insecurity, oddly. He was thin, but his stomach looked to feminine, if that made since. He didn't like his legs, either. They also looked feminine.

He just really, really hates that he has come to hate himself so much in the span of a week. And he hates that he's too embarrassed to talk to his father about it, or Will.  He's embarrassed by how much he hates himself, and he doesn't want the two people he cares about most to know.

So, he searched tumblr. He found a group of people, and they are trans, and they are basically his support group.

When he found them, he sends them a message, asking to be a part of their little organization.

The response is a quick yes. He's then added to a group chat, and he smiles as he reads over the rules.

1- Be nice

2- no hating

3- talk to the group when you feel upset

4- no judgement and no discrimination of any kind

5- know we love you and are here to be friends and help each other out

There were introductions, a total of ten people in the group chat, plus himself.

It's amazing, he decides. Everyday, people talk through the chat, and he can just feel the love radiating out of everyone, amplified when someone comes to talk about their problems. He feels his heart swell, it's just exhilarating how much this has helped him, how it's making him see himself in a new light.

It's almost as if he has never gotten the binder in the first place.

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The first time he talks about his own problems on the group chat, he's crying. His dad is at work, that's the only reason he lets himself cry. 

He tells the group what happened.

The teacher at school called him Nicolette.

He's not sure how she figured it out. Hades started registering Nico at school under the name Nico Di Angelo. He knows that it hurt, though, and he's not exactly sure why. Maybe because it was the pitiful look Will gave him, or the way a few kids in the back snickered, or the slight glare the teacher gave him when he started panicking in class. Either way, he hated it.

Everyone in the group chat understood.

He found himself talking about when he first got his binder and how he hated yet loved it.

Not everyone understood the hate for his binder, but most understood the body dysphoria.

He doesn't know when his frown and tears turn into a smile and occasional giggles.

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He talks about Will a surprising amount on the group chat. He talks about all his dumb jokes, his amazing smile, gorgeous hair and freckles and his amazing laugh.

Everyone on the group chat agrees that Nico and Will should date, but Nico isn't sure. He knows he likes Will, but he isn't sure Will likes him. It's nice to hear everyone tell him Will does though.

Maybe one day, he thinks, he could have enough courage to ask Will out. But not today.

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