Mommy? (2)

Chapter 24

  ⚠️Trigger warning: end of the chapter could be triggering to some, please be careful. So as not to say what happens, the trigger will be put as a comment here⚠️ 

Leonora's P.O.V.

I went down the stairs, trying not to trip as I could barely see through my tears. I thought that seeing Emilie would help me, would somehow make me feel better. And in a way it did. But at the same time it broke my heart even more and made me realize once again what my choice had led me to loosing. She had understood why I had made it, and I knew that in the end the result would have also been that I would have lost her, but it still hurt. It hurt so much and I had no way of making it hurt less. Unless....

I was brought out of my thoughts by a hand taking me by the shoulder and guiding me to the car. The hand's owner sat me down gently, buckled me up and handed me a tissue before silently sitting down in the driver's seat and driving off. I didn't pay attention to anything, my tears were flowing one after the other, with me completely unable to stop them. I didn't even know that I had so many tears in me, that I had the capacity to cry that much. After a while I managed to calm down and I dried off my tears with the tissue in my hand. Seeing more in the car door, I took them and cleaned my face. I might be a mental mess right now but I still had some pride left in me and I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. Already the fact that I had cried in front of Jean-Paul was surprising as I avoided showing my emotions in front of other people. I didn't want them to use my emotions against me. I didn't want to show them my vulnerable side. I had to be strong to face the world, or else I'd be crushed even more than what I already was. If my mother had taught me anything, then it was that. It was a lesson that I had learnt the hard way, and I wasn't going to forget it now.

"Are you okay?"

I was startled by the question. Why did he care?

"Yes. Thank you for allowing me to see Emilie one last time. I am really grateful, and it was nice, being able to really say goodbye." It was true, I was really grateful for the opportunity he had given me. At least I could manage a proper goodbye to her.

"You're welcome Leonora. Are you ready now for your new life?"

"Yes," I looked at the road in front of me and forced a smile on my face. I could do this. "When is the wedding contract?"

"Tomorrow. The sooner, the better," he paused, "I hope it isn't too soon for you?"

"No, no it's okay. I would also like to get it over with. I was wondering if I could maybe have a proper shower today, and shave and wash my hair and such? I know that there won't be a ceremony or anything, but I would like to feel cleaner than now." Oh god, how much saying those words hurt. Was lying always that difficult?

"Of course, anything you want, Leonora."

I smiled in relief and decided to go through with my last question, the one that would hurt the most.

"I was also wondering if maybe I could be allowed to have some paper and pen today? I would like to write an apology letter to Mother, for disappointing her."

He quickly looked at me, surprised. "An apology letter? Why?"

"I.... I wasn't a very good daughter to her," at least that was true, "and I would like to apologize for that. However, I don't think that I'd be able to say everything correctly if I spoke to her, as I express myself better by writing." I looked down, praying whichever gods there were that he'd believe me.

"Well then, of course. I'll have everything brought up to your room, so you can write it before you shower."

"Thank you."

After that we both stayed silent. When we arrived at the house again, I was directly taken to my room, where I got some paper and a pen. I started writing immediately, not wanting to lose a single moment. When I was done, I neatly folded the paper, wrote Emilie in a visible way, and left it there with the pen. I then waited. Soon after, Helena came to fetch me and take me to the bathroom. We were both silent, both caught up in our thoughts. When we arrived, I noticed a pile of clothes, shampoo, soap, and a razor.

"Thank you," I spontaneously hugged my sister from behind as she was about to leave.

"Oh you're welcome, but I only followed Jean-Paul's order, you know," her voice sounded cold and surprised but I didn't mind.

"I know. Goodbye...."

I had barely uttered those last words that she left, closing the door behind her. Once the door was closed, I slowly undressed and calmly folded my clothes, putting them in a neat pile next to the ones that were already there. I turned on the water and, taking the razor, I stepped into the shower. I stood there for a while, my eyes closed, letting the water flow away with all my thoughts and feelings. Letting it take away all the pain from the last few days.

Letting it take away my last thoughts.

The razor fell down.

Goodbye.