Angel Valhalla

thirty-eight

walking down the isle, all eyes looked at us. I never imagined this is how it would be. I never imagined this moment for that matter. I couldn't pinpoint the decayed grey feeling in my chest as I tried my hardest not to break under the sea of eyes. His hand was cold. I wonder what he felt inside. Was he happy?
I looked at my mom who had tears in her eyes, her eyes glistened with them. I was making her happy. So happy but at what cost? Who did I sell my self to? This was the end of my story? How it ended for Lilith? This was how my life played out?

I remember at one point I wanted to be loved so much. Any type of love. I wanted to belong to someone. Since I was little. I wanted to be someone's world. For someone to look at me and feel happiness in their chest. To be glad that I existed in their world. And Nate made me feel that, to some extent. But then I lost it. And then I got it again, and lost it again. And now it was a dead dream.

***

my cheeks hurt from smiling. from posing for pictures. this was all a lie. i was all grown up, or so i thought, and i had chosen my path and had settled into this trophy wife persona and yet somehow, i felt even more lost than eighteen year old Lilith. i felt so alone, and it was one of the most painful things ever. because even though i was in a room of people celebrating my new found marriage, all these people were strangers and i was alone. and even tho it killed me to admit it, my mothers presence in the room didn't make me feel less lonely. if anything it made me feel more depressed and bleak because a mothers bond is supposed to be a very important thing to a bride, and today i wasn't experiencing that, nor ever had for that matter. I was a facade. a fraud. pretty on the outside and empty on the inside. i wanted someone to look at me, to recognize me, acknowledge me, talk to me.. to love me. and now here i was, standing side by side next to someone who i barely knew, and would never make me happy. i felt like such a coward. all i did was complain and complain, so why didn't i just get up and do something about it? i knew the answer to that all too well, because i was scared. i was scared of failing. jumping off the plane, and not having my parachute open and falling to my death. so instead i stood there, grinning from cheek to cheek as the celebration commenced.

***

my hair crumbled down to wild ringlets down my shoulders. i was exhausted, both physically, mentally and emotionally. i looked at my reflection in the mirror. my eyes where wide, blue and glassy. i was wearing some expensive lingerie my mother had picked out for me mby some french designer. we were somewhere on a beautiful private beach. i had fallen asleep the whole flight here, and my makeup had smeared. i knew tonight wasn't going to happen. i just knew it. nick was somewhere doing who knows what. he said he needed to make an important call which was strange to me. who did he need to call at 1 in the morning on his honeymoon night? the curious side of me wondered but eventually forgot about it. i wanted to clean myself and change but i was too tired and barely made it to the bed before i subcumbbed into a deep sleep.

i woke up to weeping and sobbing. for a second i thought i was still sleeping and was dreaming. my mind was foggy and still out of it when i sat up and looked around me realizing that it wasn't a dream after all. it was loud and desperate crying. the type of crying iv'e done before on many lonely nights. the beach house where we were staying was grand and beautiful with two french doors leading to the ocean. they were open. the white curtains trashing violently in the wind. i walked out the door, the moon was big and white, it seemed almost unreal. it seemed really close, as if i could reach out and touch it. and out by the deck, in the lonely blue night, nick sat. his back was to me as he sat on the edge of the deck. i could tell it was him because he still had not changed out of his black tuxedo. in his left hand he held a bottle and in his right his heart. he was crying-no sobbing. he was hurting. i was stunt. what had him like this? why was he hurting? what was i supposed to do? i stood there in silence with nothing but the sound of his pain and then he turned around and looked at me. his eyes where bloodshot red.

"im sorry i woke you up." he said and brushed his hair back.

"are you oka-" i began to walk towards him but he put a hand up,"stay away." he quickly said and then threw back his head and chugged the bottle before standing up and walking past me shoulder checking me in the process.

"whats wrong with you?!" i swung around and yelled after him. surprised by the anger in my own voice. i hand't meant for it to come out that way, but i guess i was just frustrated and angry with myself and him and my entire life for that matter.

"nothing" he murmured back and disappeared inside the room. i followed him inside, fully awake now. was he mad at me?

"no, you were crying. i heard you. we can talk about -"

" i said nothing!" he cut me off and then abruptly in a outburst of anger threw the bottle on the floor sending it crashing into a glassy mess.

i stepped back appalled at my new husbands temper. he must have noticed because he bent down and began to pick it up,"im sorry" he murmured under his breath.

he wasn't mad at me. he was mad at himself. i stepped around the glass and took his hands in mine.

"i'll have someone clean it tomorrow morning, you need to rest." i said as i helped him stand up and walked him to the bed. it was now that i realized that he was actually really intoxicated. his breath reeked of alcohol as i helped him get in bed. a weird sense of dejavu hit me. this hadn't been the first time i had put a drunk man to bed.

"im sorry, you don't deserve any of the shit i give you. " he said and for once in my life i sensed a little bit of kindness in nick's voice.

"why were you crying?" i laid on my side next to him, and looked at those brown-red strained eyes across from me. this was the first time i was looking at nick, and i mean really looking at him. most of the time i shied away from eye contact. he hesitated and then sighed before draping a hand over his eyes.

"i can't tell you, Lilith."

i inched closer and pulled his hand back making me look at me, "yes you can, you're hurting. i know you don't love me but nick im your wife now-"

"lilith i can't, i just can't okay!" he snapped suddenly and closed all his doors on me as he turned on his side with his back to me.

i sighed heavily and turned to lay on my back, eyes glued to the ceiling.

"i don't love you nick. "

i don't know what prompted me to say that, but it felt good to admit it.

"i know." he replied. "i don't love you either."

i rolled back on my side and peered over his shoulder to look at him,"we're both miserable aren't we...?" he looked at me for a second or two before sighing and closing his eyes.

"go to sleep lilith. it's late."

"why did you decide to marry me?"

"sleep lilith."

"no, im serious. it's not like your parents are forcing you to marry me. you chose me out of all those other rich socialites. i don't even have anything to offer you. my moms money is gone, my dad cut us out of his life. you didn't have to marry me, so why did you?"

he opened his eyes and looked me dead in the eyes, "because you need me just as much as i need you."

***

sorry for the late update. so much shit is going on in my life. im just not really happy with my life at the moment, and i get really depressed and idk how to even explain it. it gets really bad, but im sorry you guys had to wait so long. hopefully i can get the next chapter out soon! love you, let me know what you think in the comments!!