Angel Valhalla

Fourty-three

the reflection of the woman in front of me was usually paler and looking like a corpse more than usual. I didn't get any sleep last night, my thoughts kept me up all night. Nick had left for work this morning. I had skipped yoga class. I didn't want to run the chances of running into him. I needed to time to think, to prepare myself for what I was gonna say. And then what ? I'd march over and knock on his door and tell him that I'm sorry I married someone else?

That sounded like a plan to me, it really did. I was so scarred. How could I even start to explain what I did. How did I apologize? And yet, a part of me was happy. Truly happy. He'd come back. He was so attainable and yet, so far out of my reach. How ridiculous, the man I longed to be with was living next to me, only a wall stood between us. A wall and the ring around my finger.

I wanted to make this right, but what was the right thing to do. I felt so lonely these days. No one to confide in, to cry out to and let my frustration out. These days the other rich socialites wives were my only friends.

I needed to talk to someone. Desperately. I grabbed my phone and looked at the familiar phone number under the name "mom". That was another dilemma I didn't even want to think about. This was ridiculous. I was 23 years old, an adult. I shouldn't be afraid to talk to my mom. I needed to make a decision, and quick. To sort everything out, and make things right. I stared at my phone until the screen went dark, I would do it.

I called my mother later that night, right before bed. Nick was sound asleep by then, i made sure to lock the door tightly behind me. I decided the study room would give me the most privacy. I really hoped my mother was still awake. It was just about to be 10pm. She answered on the second ring.

She asked me if I was okay. She must have been disrupted by the idea of her daughter calling her late at night. It was then that i broke down. I could not keep doing this. I wouldn't. Even if it was over the phone. Even if I was two years late. I had to and I would.

"No, I'm not okay." It finally replied, and you know what? It felt so fucking nice to finally be able to say it. Because I wasn't and I wouldn't continue to be if i kept this false going.

She didn't say anything right away. Silence. and then, " What's the matter?" Curiosity and concern in her voice.

I chose my next words very carefully," It's just that.." I swallowed hard,"Im not happy." There it goes. That secret i had been holding from her. And it felt so nice to let it out, to say it. She didn't say anything at first, only mere silence. I thought she was going to hang up at one point.

"What do you mean Lili?" There she went again, calling me that old nickname she used on me when she wanted to pretend she was a mom.

"Im not happy with this marriage. I've tried so hard to make it work but I can't keep going anymore. "  there. I said it. It was done. Now I waited for hell to break loose.

"I don't understand. What do you mean you're not happy? Lili, Nick was a good choice. He's got wealth and incredibly handsome too. You're so lucky, you don't even see it."

If only she knew it was all a facade

"No mom, I'm not.  You don't see what I see. I don't love him, I can't keep doing this anymore. I thought that maybe I could, but this isn't a life. Not one I want to keep living. I wish I could have said something sooner, but I was scared. I didn't want to disappoint you, and I felt lost. Like I was up against the wall and had no choice. But now I know for a fact that I'm not happy and I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm sorry."

For the first time in my life I had spoken the truth to my mom. I had told her what I thought about this marriage and if I continued I would have probably told her off about her own marriage and how unhappy her and my dad had made me during my childhood years. But that was a whole mother story and for tonight, all she needed to know that I wasn't happy and that I was ending it. It was something I realized I needed to do in the spur of the moment. A revelation that I had always know, and saying it out loud to another human only fortified what I needed to do. Even if things with Cam didn't work out, I couldn't go on w this anymore.

"Okay Lilith."

Okay?

"What do you mean okay?"  Frustration clear in my voice.

"If you're not happy, then that can't be helped. Just make sure you get half of his wealth after the divorce-"

"I don't want his money!" There it was, the side of her that I recognized.

"Don't be stupid Lilith, you need that money."

"I'm going to bed. I told you what I had to tell you, there's nothing else to discuss." I then hung up and threw the phone on the couch on my way out. At least I had gotten that out of the way, tomorrow would be a whole other mess. But I felt better now. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't keep living like this, and if by the end of all this I lost cam too, then I'd have to accept it and move on.