Angel Valhalla

forty-four

    The weight of this dilemma was crushing me. To the point that I could barely sleep. I got up from bed minutes before my alarm clock went off. I'd been awake for the past 3 hours. staring at the ceiling complementing my next actions. Nick slept in the bedroom besides mine. Further evidence to this scheme. I needed to release us both of this first and accept whatever consequence came my way. It seemed like the right choice at the time but I could force my self to love Nick and he could not force himself to love me; that's not how the heart worked.

Appearances were so deceiving, you'd think I'd be beyond happy living this life. Married to a handsome, wealthy man, living in one the nicest buildings in the city. Money wasn't an issue. I never struggled with anything. And yet, it was clear as day how unhappy we both were. He couldn't live this anymore than I did. Not being able to live as he wanted. Questioning his happiness brought the dreadful thought on my own happiness. 

Was I ever happy? 

Like actually happy? Where I wasn't induced by the cocaine mixed with weed and alcohol; enwrapped in pure bliss. living in the moment. The nights were long and magical. My thoughts far away from home, my heart somewhere else, beating fast.  

Was I happy when boys would tell me they loved me, and I'd say it back knowing it was a lie and that I was just content with the thought of being loved and being someones world? 

Or the times I'd spent hot boxing my car with my two best friends. Just listening to music and talking about life, music, and laughing at stupid shit. 

All I ever wanted was to be happy. That's what everyone wants. Only that I feel like for some reason I struggle with the thought of it more than usual people. Because what is happiness? How did I attain it without hurting those around me?  

The way Cam looked at me was the most beautiful way of looking at someone. With such adoration, and I knew I never wanted him to stop looking at me that way. He made me feel safe, and warm. Some one that could protect me. Someone that genuinely cared about me. And even so now, thinking back on it, I was happy with Cam. I loved him. So much, and still do. He wasn't just another pretty face I'd distract myself to get away from the loneliness. He filled that loneliness in a way that Nate nor Molly could ever. I felt like I belonged with him. And thinking about how I gave up on us so easily made my heart heavy with hurt. I could only imagine how he must feel. I was gonna make it up to him, show him how much I loved him, and how dedicated I was to us. 

I was happy once, when I was younger. Before my parents found other lives that excluded me. Ever since then Ive had little flashes of joy, but never a permanent stable happiness. It was all drug or sex induced. Or sometimes it was real but short lived, when I spent time with my two best friends. I wanted a true and real happiness, I wanted Cam Kingsley, he was my happiness. My permanent happiness. 

***

I knocked on my Nicks door. He answered the door as he tied his tye. 

"Morning Lilith" 

"Morning," I said as I walked in not sure how to approach the situation. I didn't want to ruin his day, and have these thoughts hovering him all day, but I had to say something, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I would burst. "There's something ive been meaning to talk to you about it's a really serious topic, and I need to tell you as soon as I can. Do you wanna do this now, or when you get home from work?" I grimaced almost I immediately,"Sorry I worded that so badly, fuck I got nervous and-" 

"What is it." He cut me off, a tone that was serious and demanding. Like he didn't have time for this.

Tell him, you have to

"I wan't a divorce. I'm not happy. I thought I could do this, but I can't. I don't love you and I can't spend the rest off my life doing this anymore, I thought I could numb myself and do it, but I can't. I'm in love with someone else. You're an amazing person, hardworking as fuck. You deserve everything you have and honestly, you deserve to be happy too. This isn't you, and I know it's hard. Trust me, I can only imagine. It's not fair to you though, and I honestly hope that eventually you can stop pretending to be someone you're not. You owe it to yourself." I don't know what snapped in me but the moment I opened my mouth, I couldn't stop and then tears were sliding down my cheeks and blurring my vision-which was actually kinda nice because I didn't want to see the look on Nicks face at the moment. 

He didn't say anything, just felt him look at me for, a burning  gaze. I didn't look up from the floor. My tears dried up into salty trails that ended at my jaw. 

"I'll talk to my lawyer about it as soon as I can."

He says and with quick strides walks past me, in the direction of the door and I hear him stop on his tracks and for a second or two he stands there in silence. 

"Lilith?" I muster the courage to look at him behind my shoulder, scared of what mask he'll be wearing. I hope he doesn't hate me.

"Thank you," He says a ghostly faint smile spreads across his lips, "you deserve happiness too." He adds before he leaves.

***

Hello, I'm back hiiii!!! Idk if any one is still reading this book. but if you are, thank you so much. I finally pushed myself to finish this.  Again the thannk you to all those who have been here from the beginning, I'm sorry that I wasn't consistent with my uploads. I can't force myself to write when I'm uninspired or just been busy with my real life. Ive been on wattpad for so many years now, since I was seventeen, and now I'm 23...crazy!! I hope you all have enjoyed reading this, thank you and util the next and FINAL chapter. <3