I just have to get out.

Part 28

The rest of the day breezed by. Well, most of it did. There were little ‘incidents’ in 2 of my classes that I was by myself for. Incidents being where I could have injured another student because they angered me. How did they expect me not to act? Calling me a freak of nature and also just tipping my stuff all over the floor. Really? But because of ‘special’ circumstances, I got let of and left to do my own thing in the corner. The teachers said as long as I was making notes and not making any noises, then I could be left alone. I thought this was fair enough. It seems completely different from how I was feeling earlier.

This happened a lot; I could switch from being shy and completely pushed over so easily to this, this act of violence that feels the need to get me angry and the need to react back. This is what happened to me and this is who I have become. It’s like I have a personality split and it scares me. It scares my friends and they don’t know what to do.

I hated this feeling. A feeling of separation from everyone else. Where I was classed as a freak, an abnormality in the world I lived in. I think the only two people who stood by me were Saphy and Luca. They knew that I was broken and they knew I was trying to fix myself up. But I don’t think I will be able to ever do that. Because that day will always haunt me, that moment in time. I still do wonder what happened to those four paws. I admit that I was confused at the time and I could have been hallucinating but it doesn’t matter. I was still wondering what was going on.

There were questions in my mind, formed to ask Saphy at some point. But you know how it is, you say you will do it but it never happens because something comes up.

Dragging my mind, and body, out of lesson as the bell rang to signal the end of lessons. Thank you, whoever made time fly by, I thought, slowly walking towards form room. Having to end the day with a class of people you might want to ignore.

Sometimes, before everything happened, I used to think I wasn’t too bad off with friends. I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t a loner. I possibly classed as average in this whole hierarchy system of the school. I was in the same position with Saphy so I had nothing to worry about. Luca and Ethan seemed to be ‘higher’ up. Luca was popular with the football teams, with the hordes of girls that swooned over him. Ethan was just there in the right times like always. Yet, they chose to be with us. I am grateful; don’t get me wrong, I just wonder why sometimes. Was there something that attracted them to us? Especially Luca, he could do so much better but he is with me.

I lost so much concentration of where I was going, I just kept walking, mulling over these thoughts. Questioning myself on what could have been, what is and what could be. I kept on walking, not knowing where to go. So I did the only thing that I thought about most and that was to leave. Without telling anyone… Sure there would go mental at me and probably scream a few pieces of crap at me about scaring them and that I could have gone off the rails again.. blah, blah, blah. So what? I don’t belong here.

Walking out the gates, I must have looked dazed because people stopped to ask me if I was Ok and Was there anything I could do about it. I just shrugged and kept on walking. I gave up. There was too much questioning going on in my head to make much sense of it. I let my feet keep walking, slowly sure, but I kept walking towards the place I called home.

Luca’s house. My real home isn’t a home. My parents don’t care. Saphy’s place was too far out for me to walk and she seemed to spend most of her days with Ethan, who in turn seemed to spend most of his free time at Luca’s. I feel more at ease at Luca’s house, with his loving mother (mainly). His father seems a bit strict now. Stricter towards Luca, wanting to send him abroad somewhere. Send him away from me.

That last thought got me angry, making me curl my fingers up into fists. Why?

Questions, Questions. Too many questions for me to answer and it was driving me crazy. What did I ever do to deserve this sort of thing? What did Luca do to deserve this? Was he part of some ‘gang’ that I didn’t know of? God dammit! I had to stop asking myself these sort of questions. It never helps my mood.

I was brought back to my senses when I slumped into a wall. Cold, hard gravel sat beneath me, digging in. Everything seemed to be against me. Dammit! It was my first day back at school and why did it have to be ruined? I felt something cool running down my face and trace over my lips. Salty… tears they were. I chuckled to no one in particular but myself. I just found it funny now that I was out here and no one had found me. Usually, by now, someone would have found me, would have phoned the police or phoned my family.

I think it made me feel at ease slightly, having no one fuss over me. Having no one to act like they care over me and have no one be so protective. Saphy, I know is trying her best and Ethan is just being there for Saphy. Ethan is a dick anyway and he doesn’t understand that I’m with Luca.

Luca. My overly-protective yet adorabley handsome boyfriend. Oh Luca, how sorry I am for being such a mess.