Moments of gladness, moments of sadness & everything in-between.

4AM.

I'm awake again.

It's 4 am.

I'm crying.

My chest hurts.

I'm burning.

Is this anxiety?

Is this the fact that I've lifted too much weight in the gym?

Is this my body punishing me for self-harm?

Why is there blood on my sheets?

My joints, my heart, and my mind ache, not wanting to fall asleep or stay awake.

This is what it feels like, a repetitive cycle just waiting to strike.

I'm sad.

You're always sad mate.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm tired of your mood swings.

I know mum I'm sorry truly am.

I'm just tired.

I'm skeptical of my own happiness.

When will it end?

How much will it hurt when it does?

When will the few I love to realise how much of a mess I am, and leave?

When will I trip up next?

When will all this end?

The stress.

The self-hate.

The nightmares.

The desire to draw depressing imagery to express what I cannot through words.

My desire to write depressing poems at 4:20 am because I do not know how else to conquer this fear.

When will this end?

I do not know.

What I do know is I need rest.

So best foot forward.

Tomorrow is another day.

I shall wait for this temporary but recurring sadness to go away.

As the sun rises and I restart my day.

As I wait for the daylight to hold me in a fashion only comparable to my mother's affection.

Today will be a better day.

-XR