The Secrets of a Nation

Chapter 34: New Beginning

*Hello ladies and gents and welcome to the 34th chapter of The Secrets of a Nation. I recently got an Ao3 account and I was considering cross posting this story on there. Do you guys think that would be a good idea let me know! If so I'll add my Ao3 account to the end of this chapter. (I didn't realize this until I was halfway through writing it but this chapter is going to be REALLY long.) Anyway, let's get into this, shall we?*

(Y'all decided and my account on Ao3 is the same name on here so I'll be moving this work there I'll get all the chapters up as soon as possible, love y'all.)

(America's POV)

"I'm sorry." I stood there in shock. What was he apologizing for. Did I do something wrong? Did my entries make him uncomfortable. I felt my breath catch in my throat. I couldn't bare the thought of our relationship becoming more strained. We barely stopped yelling at each other all the time. It felt nice to look at the other and not see and instant scowl when our eyes met. It can't go back to how it used to be. Not after knowing how nice it was to see him slightly smile in my direction again.

"England I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or make you feel..." I started to ramble desperately before I was cut of by a hand on my mouth. I looked up shocked at the other who stared at me intensely. "No. America, just listen to me for once. After I'm done speaking you can tell me whatever is going on in your head. Right now, just shut your mouth and open your ears."

I opened my mouth to protest but, all the fight I had melted out of me as I slumped against the older's shoulder and nodded my head. England sighed irritatedly but I could sense the slight hint of fondness, at least that's what I wanted to believe it was. "Ever since you were little, my life felt so much different. It felt like instead of having to just focus on my duty as a nation I felt like I had more humanity when you were around. Both you and Canada were so sweet and innocent compared to the world around me. I wanted to savor that."

After saying this the other sighed sadly, but continued on. "Eventually, you became more aware of the things that were happening. I saw them to, and as much as I knew how unfair it was I thought as long as I could keep you I could ignore what was happening. When I ignored you it was because I was scared if I did something about it you would leave and not return. I turned down your worries, but that only drew us farther apart. And then the war happened and god I didn't know what to think."

I felt arms shakily encircle me, as if afraid of protest. When nothing happened I felt them desperately pull me closer if that was even possible. "When you just walked away like that no matter how many times I called your name. I thought it was over. I thought I had just lost one of the most important things to me... and it was my fault. Every time I saw you afterwards you seemed so happy without me around. I felt so bitter that I decided to separate us farther. I yelled at you because anytime I tried to be kind you ran away already. I thought why not live up to your expectations."

England pulled me away a bit, two pairs of blue eyes gazing at one another. Both anxious. Both uncertain. "I realize now how wrong I was, how miserable we both were. I'm supposed to be the adult here. The role model for the younger nations but I'm nowhere near that. I don't deserve such a title, nor did I deserve to raise such strong and beautiful nations." At this, I could no longer could keep quiet. "Do you know how hard it was to leave. How scary it was to be on my own?! I had no idea how to be a nation, not one bit. Why do you think my decisions were so stupid sometimes. It was hard, all I wanted to do was run to you for help but I couldn't anymore. I couldn't talk to France either because he was dealing with his own countries' problems. Me and Canada had it so hard because even when he became free he didn't know much either."