Regret Me Not | 김석진

Thirty (I)

Take me to a better place, as this wasn't what I envisioned.

June 30th, 2017

There was no alarm, but her eyes flew open. She had the dream again—the same one she'd had for a year. In the dream, she was running along a lush green mountain top, the sky cloudy overhead. A man in a mask was chasing her with no weapons, yet she was terrified of him. He never caught her in the dream, but it was always enough to startle her awake.

With a sigh, she rolled onto her back and ran her arm down the other side of the bed that was cold and empty, much like the feeling in her heart. When she lived with Jin, she always woke up to his face nuzzled into the back of her neck—or the smell of breakfast wafting up the stairs.

Now she woke up every morning with nothing but an empty space to remind her of her mistakes.

She slumped out of her room that fed into the living space. The small kitchen was at the end of the room, past the door. At the tiny dining table that was round, he sat, munching on cereal happily as the news played on the T.V. next to him. When he saw her, he smiled.

"Morning, roomie!"

Victoria found it hard to reciprocate the positivity as she responded. "Hey, Sungyoon."

He sighed. "Come on, now. Cheer up! It's been a year. You know what you always say—sadness passes!"

"I'm not sad," she lied and plopped down on the couch.

Sungyoon narrowed his eyes. "Aren't you gonna eat something?"

"I have to leave soon." She lifted her phone in her hand to check the time. "I'm going to the hospital to pay my respects."

He didn't have to ask—he knew what she meant.

-

The white hallways were buzzing with nurses and doctors so early in the morning. Sunshine cascaded through the many windows, washing the corridors in a pale yellow light. It was beautiful, but she couldn't appreciate it in the moment.

In front of her stood the grave that was line up next to so many others. It was small enough that anyone not looking for it wouldn't even see the name placard and picture.

Victoria cleared her throat before speaking. "Hi, mom." She looked down at the pink carnations in her hands that shook ever so slightly. "It's been twenty-three years now." What she remembered of her mother was very slight since she was so young when she died. "Remember that guy I told you about last year? Jin? Well, we broke up because..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "Because I'm an idiot and I slept with someone else. I don't know how many mistakes you made when you were my age, but..." Eyes watering, she choked back a sob. "I wish you were here to guide me, mom," she said, voice cracking. "I'm so lost. Nobody ever warned me that love would hurt this much. I hurt him and It haunts me every day."

People passed her hallway without giving her a second glance—if there was any place to cry in public, it was this one. "I lost all of my friends over it...and the worst part is," she paused to contain herself. "I don't know how I feel about the guy that I slept with. I ruined my relationship by sleeping with him, but I don't know if it was a mistake. I don't know how I feel!" she shouted. "But I know that I love Jin and...."

Tears rolled down her cheeks at an alarming rate. She didn't know if she could finish, so she just left the flowers there on the floor before walking out.

Victoria kept her eyes glued to the floor, as making eye contact would allow others to see that she had been crying. It was a weakness she didn't like to admit she had.

She had almost stopped crying completely by the time she reached the waiting room, but then someone grabbed her hand to stop her. She turned around, not expecting the familiar face staring back at her. He stared into her eyes with that same look he gave her two years ago. The look that said, "I need you."

A hand instinctively went to cover her mouth before she could even utter his name. Before she could, he embraced her tightly, making her lose all self control and empty her emotions onto his shoulder.

She felt his shoulders shake in her embrace, and she reached a hand up to stroke the back of his head. "I've missed you so much, Noona," he said, voice barely above a whisper.

"I've missed you, too," she sobbed. "My Jungkook."

-

"How did you get in a car accident?" she asked as they sat in a cafe down the street. The atmosphere was nice and comforting compared to the hospital that reeked of death and sickness.

Jungkook shrugged, swirling his honey cold brew latte in his large hand. "I don't know. I was crossing the street. Car zoomed toward me. I didn't move."

All she could do was shake her head before asking the question that was burning her tongue. "Do you still talk to Yoongi?"

He went rigid. "Oh, yeah...you don't know..."

"Know what?"

The younger hesitated some before continuing. "Yoongi passed away last month."

Victoria recoiled, feeling like she had just been punched in the stomach. It couldn't be. There was no way. "Yoongi's dead?" she asked, tears pricking at her eyes again.

"Yeah. He died in a fire." Jungkook's voice dropped to a whisper. "Just like his mom..."

She tried not to lose it there in public for real, but it was Yoongi. He was gone forever. Just like that. "I can't..." she choked out.

"Also," he started, figuring he might as well add fuel to the fire. "Iseul was in the hospital with me, but she was sick. She passed away, too."

That did it. Victoria broke down weeping in her chair, a hand covering her eyes. Jungkook only watched her numbly, as he had gone through the same thing weeks ago. "Fuck, Jungkook," she swore. "How could this happen?"

"I don't know. It just did." He waited until she calmed down a bit to ask his own question. "Have you talked to anyone?"

She nodded, recalling the phone call she received.

It was late at night. Sungyoon had already gone to bed, and she was about to do the same, until her phone vibrated suddenly. She didn't recognize the number, but picked up anyway. "Hello?

The line was silent for a few moments before a familiar deep voice echoed through the receiver. "Noona?"

"Taehyung," she gasped. "What's wrong?"

"He's in prison," she reported quietly.

Jungkook only sighed. "I'm not surprised. I mean...I don't know. Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I also ran into Namjoon a few days ago," she said, changing the subject. "He and I have been texting a bit..."

"What about Jin?"

Victoria's chest ached at the mention of her ex. There was so much she wanted to say to him. "I haven't seen or spoken to Jin since the beach."

"Me either."

"Jungkook," she said suddenly.

He looked at her.

"Let's never leave each other again. We all need one another."