Empty Chairs and Empty Promises

Chapter Two

           

I sit across the living room from a young lady claiming my late husband was her father.  As I study her, I see she has Josh's eyes and his smile.  I believe her.  I wonder when he found the time to have an affair and father a child.  I wrack my memory for past clues of his infidelity.  I feel the nausea return.  Taking a sip from my glass of water, I know I need to ask some questions of this young woman.

"Amanda, this is kind of a shock to me.  Bear with me.  I have a lot of questions," I say with a tremble in my voice.  She nods, but I can see she's uneasy too.  "How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-one."

"Where were you born?"

"St. Louis."

"Did you always live there?"

"My mom and I moved to Milwaukee when I was young."  Amanda looks around the room as she speaks.  I clutch my glass tightly, so tightly, I set it on the table fearful it will break in my hands.

"Did you see your father often?"  I hope this hadn't been a case of Josh having two families over the past two decades.

"I never met him.  My mom had a photo.  She told me when I was old enough to understand."

"Why come to find him now?"  It didn't make sense if they knew where he lived over the past 20 plus years.

"My mom died last year from cancer.  I guess I felt it was past time to get to know my father.  That is, if he even wanted anything to do with me."  I could tell the words saddened the girl.  My heart went out to her.  An anger started to grow inside me towards my husband, who not only betrayed his family by having an affair, but abandoned his daughter without looking back. 

"I'm sorry, Amanda.  Sorry you lost your mom, and because your father was heartless enough to turn his back on you.  I want you to know I hadn't any idea about your mother or you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Crenshaw.  I appreciate that.  I guess I should go."  The young woman stood to take her leave.

"Amanda.  This is going to sound odd, but you're welcome to stay here tonight.  The house is huge, and you've come a long way for nothing.  Maybe you'd like to look through some photo albums.  I could answer some questions for you," I said wondering if I would regret extending the invitation.

"I don't want to bother you any more than I already have."

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you to stay.  You deserved better from your father.  I can, at the very least, give you a place to stay and feed you dinner."  I didn't want to sound desperate or too lonely.  I am curious about this young lady and her mother.

"Okay.  Thank you, Mrs. Crenshaw."

"Please, call me Libby.  Let me show you the guestroom."  Amanda follows me upstairs.  I show her the bathroom and get her some towels to use.  When I open the door to the guestroom, I hear her sigh.  When I turn to look at her, I see a bright smile on her face.

"It's so lovely.  I've only seen rooms like this on TV."  I'm taken aback by Amanda's statement.  What sort of life did she have?  Damn you, Joshua.  How could you do this to your child?

"I'm glad you like it, Amanda.  Did you have any breakfast?"  She shakes her head.  "Do you like pancakes?"

"Please don't go to any trouble."

"It isn't any trouble.  It'll be my pleasure.  Make yourself at home.  I'll be in the kitchen."

I head downstairs to put together some breakfast for Amanda.  I want to let her know she has a half brother and sister.  She should know she has a family, and she isn't alone.  I hope my children will be receptive to this news.  If I can live with this unexpected news, they can too.  I bring out a mixing bowl and start measuring the flour for the pancakes.  My mind cannot wrap around the fact Josh wouldn't play a role in his child's life.  What were you thinking, Josh? 

I met Josh in college over 30 years ago.  I was surprised he had even noticed me.  He was so outgoing, had a lot of friends -- both male and female friends -- and was involved in everything from student government to sports.  I was shy, awkward and plain.  When he started talking to me one day, I looked behind me thinking he must be speaking to someone else.

Josh made me feel beautiful and special.  After dating for 3 years, he asked me to marry him.  We were married almost 30 years.  I thought we were happy, but at some point, my husband had looked for something more.  Was this the only affair he'd had over the years?  A day ago, I would have laughed at such thoughts.  Today I feel my life has been a charade.

I finish mixing the pancake batter and grab the butter and maple syrup from the refrigerator.  I heat my skillet before dropping some batter on it.  Hearing Amanda walking down the stairs, I focus on the task at hand flipping the pancakes over to cook the other side.  I pull down two plates and grab some silverware from the drawer.  Within minutes two golden brown pancakes are placed on each plate and we sit down on the chaise lounge chairs.  I set our plates on the table.

"Would you like orange juice or milk?"

"Milk would be great." 

I pour two glasses of milk for us.  Amanda eats quickly making me wonder when she ate last.  After she finishes her breakfast, I suggest we head into the living room to look at photos.  I pull out a couple thick albums opening them on the coffee table.  Amanda is engrossed in learning about her ancestors and her father.  When I show her photos of Nathan and Carrie, Amanda's eyes fill with tears.

"I never thought I would have a brother and sister."

"They live across the country; otherwise, I would call to set up a time when you could meet them.  I'll talk with them both and let them know about you, Amanda.  If you leave me your contact information, I can pass it along to them."

"That would be great.  Thank you so much, Libby."  I place my hand over her clasped ones. 

"I'm glad you stopped today, Amanda.  I really am." Was it just yesterday that my life felt so empty? Shaking my head, I realize it is full of many things -- mystery, bullshit and lies.