Empty Chairs and Empty Promises

Chapter Six

Looking through the viewfinder of my 35mm, I focus on the beautiful sight in front of me. Serene turquoise waters under blue skies provide a backdrop for the Castillo San Cristobal. I learned from a brochure provided by the historic site that the Spanish fortification was finished in 1783 and at one time surrounded the city of San Juan within its walls. The ancient stones show the signs of past battles, earthquakes and time.

Since my arrival, I have wandered San Juan. Admiring the colorful buildings and cobbled streets in Old San Juan, enjoying tasty Puerto Rican meals, and embracing the welcoming culture of its citizens that I have documented through my photographs and diary entries. As much as I love San Juan, I want to explore more of the island.  Not only does this land have a rainforest, but it also boasts a mountain range and several smaller islands all of which I plan to visit.

Finally, I'm in Puerto Rico and I want to see everything! I want to learn to dive and to surf, and I heard the western coast is the premier spot for those activities. Tomorrow my plan is to head to the other side of the island. Like a child with a new toy, I'm excited and went online renting a small condo near the beach. I check my phone. No messages from my kids.

Would it hurt them to be happy for me? Throughout their lives, I supported them in every endeavor. I want to enjoy life a little, and they want to throw me in a nursing home. My God, I'm only 50 years old. They would absolutely have a cow if I told them I plan on learning how to surf. The thought brings a smile to my face. A couple hours of driving and I will be at my destination. 

Traffic in San Juan is hectic. The roadway is lined bumper to bumper and tempers flare with the heat and turtle-like flow of vehicles. Horns around me blast in frustration, and radios -- with their volumes turned all the way up -- send out their sound waves causing the very air to throb with the vibration. I'm certain I'm missing some rules of the road that everyone else seems to know. I drive slowly, navigating around the potholes in the city streets and trying my best to ignore the honking horns and keep calm.

Once I have cleared the city, I can relax and enjoy the beautiful scenery. I make a mental note of places I wish to visit on another day after I've settled into my new home. My heart beats a happy tempo fueled by my anticipation of the unknown ahead. It makes me wonder if I had taken a different path years ago would I be an entirely new individual or would I have turned out the same? Would another Libby be world-weary and jaded wishing she had a family and a home in a quiet place?

The real question is — what will I become now? I don't believe it's too late to grow as a person. Maybe Carrie is right and I'm having a mid-life crisis? My life didn't turn out exactly as I'd planned. But unlike my husband, I have an opportunity to make a change. If Joshua was unhappy with our life and had wished for something else, he doesn't have the luxury of discovering it.

I can't hate him. I was angry when I learned about his secret, but the anger changed to sadness instead. In a way, it was a gift to find out. It spurred me to leave behind the paralyzing effects of my depression and get to the job of living. Maybe it's how someone looks at something that makes the difference between a life of disappointment and one that is truly happy.

God, I'm so philosophical. LOL!

My GPS alerts me to my turn, and I pull off the main highway and find myself on a secondary road heading to the seaside town of Isabela. I pass by a sandwich shop and other small stores. I saw a sign for Econo food on the way and make a mental note to return for groceries once I'm settled in. I grip the steering wheel tightly and I can feel my palms moisten with my anxiety. I hope this is not a huge mistake.

I'm relieved when the building appears ahead of me. It looks just like the photos I saw on the website. It is a multi-storied concrete building with balconies lacing its sides and each wing is painted a different color reminding me of a tub of rainbow sherbert with its lime-green, lemon-yellow and deep pink walls.

Just beyond the building is a pristine beach lying between rocky areas where the surf surges up in foamy eruptions as it makes contact with the shore. The area is known for its great surfing and I can see a few adventurous souls paddling out to catch a wave.

I press the button for the gate and give the voice over the intercom my name. Within seconds, the metal gate rolls to the side allowing me entrance. A smiling young lady awaits me in front of the rental office. I smile back as I walk across the parking area.

She extends her hand in greeting, saying, "Hello, Mrs. Crenshaw. My name is Eva. I'll be showing you to your condo, please follow me." We took an elevator to the top floor. I let out an audible sigh as I look out over the water.

Eva laughs, "Everyone has the same reaction. It's beautiful, isn't it?"

"Gorgeous. I'm glad I rented the unit with the rooftop deck. It will be lovely watching the sunset from here." I follow her to my unit on the corner.

Once inside, I can see it has simple but adequate furnishings, and the sound of the ocean is soothing. The kitchen is modern with stainless steel appliances and a bare-bones supply of dishes, pots, and pans for cooking. I nod as the features are pointed out. It is freeing to be in a place that has only those items I need to survive. It's like a painter's untouched palette — it can become whatever I wish it to be. Nothing is predetermined and reminds me of my life at this moment. Everything it will become is in the air, vacuous in its form and expansive in its possibilities.

"Yes, this is just what I was looking for."

Eva grins as she hands me the keys to the condo and lets me know I need only to call if I need anything.

I have arrived. I am home.