Imperfectly perfect

Chapter 4

A week has gone by, repeating the days all over. From school, to IHOP, from IHOP to work. I wish I could stop time. Even if it was just for a second. Why can't staying in bed be an option? Promising my parents that I could do this all on my own was starting to get draining. Adulthood was starting to kick my ass. Everything seemed so much easier in movies. They had it all figured out.

When I was younger, I saw myself in this exact moment, everything figured out. What I wanted to do next. Working at my dream job. Living the life I had dreamt about since I was five. But, now that I'm almost twenty, I'm more confused than ever. Why doesn't school teach us about how to survive life rather than solving an equation. How to save money, how to keep and manage our money or the importance of mental health. Broader topics that our parents may not know the answers too.

But, the one thing I wish someone had taught me was how to read and understand people. It's been a week since Lauren and I have spoken to each other. A week since she walked away from me. We share the same classes but even then we don't talk. We past each other in the halls and the way she looked through me, hurt.

I sent her a text last night and to my surprise, she answered. As I sit here, wind blowing through my hair, patiently waiting for her arrival, I started strumming the chords to my guitar. The guitar my dad had bought for me when I turned nine. We couldn't afford lessons so I taught myself how to play from watching videos online. And, from a family friend.

Hey. Sorry it took me so long. I stopped playing as I heard the familiar voice. She sat on a rock that was beside me and said, please, dong let me stop you.

I rested the instrument by my feet and looked at her. Studying her. Her eyes were swollen. Puffy even. Rosy cheeks. Almost as though she's unrecognizable.

I've never been good at my feelings that's why I left. I hurt, I suffer but, silently. My feelings are kept hidden. Unspoken of until I'm ready to reveal them. I looked away from her, staring at the sun that was about to touch the water. That day, I bottled up so much resentment towards my ex that when you asked me, everything started flooding back. The times I took her back after she cheated. How, she promised me that she was different. After you dropped me off, I drove home. To Toronto. Although, I never made it there.

" Where'd you go?" I softly asked, turning my head to face her.

Ohio. She never went to the college in New York. That was all a lie. Just like our relationship. A part of me felt like I deserved it. I gave her four years. Four years of nothing but honesty and trust. When I took her back the second time, I lost people because they couldn't understand that I wasn't going to give up that easy. I didn't see how our relationship looked until I saw her with her new girlfriend. Treating her the same way that she did to me.

As I stared at her, I couldn't help but to wonder how does she walk around pretending to have everything altogether when deep down, she's hurting. Broken. I read in between the lines. I knew what she meant. Maybe not physically but she was emotionally abused and I couldn't begin to imagine what it must feel like to be holding onto that. Doing everything to bring out the good in someone thinking you're what they need.

I watched as a tear fell from her cheek and I knew this moment wasn't like when we first met. Her feelings were different.

" Lauren, it's okay to hurt. It's okay to break down every once in awhile." I said as she wiped her cheeks with her sleeves. " You don't have to pretend to be okay when you are not. Crying, needing a minute to yourself, it won't make you weak. "

It's not about feeling weak. It's feeling like every word my dad has spat about me or to me, is true. When I feel like giving up, his voice is all I hear and it just sinks me in further and further. No one will ever understand what that does to me. How that makes me feel. I've tried going to therapy, I've tried drinking the pain away but it only made it worst because no matter what I did to cope, the pain was still there. His words replayed on a loop. She said, her voice trembling. The words she so eagerly wanted to speak, were caught. Tangled.

Several minutes of silence sat between us. My mind going to places that they shouldn't. As her eyes met mine, they were red...

Do you know what it feels like to have someone break down your walls? To have someone bring out the sides of you that you refuse to show. Even to your closest friends? Before I met her, the only person that had my back, was myself. I didn't have anyone that looked beyond my exterior. I could say that my mom was the only one but I'd be lying. I knew deep down she felt the same way that my dad but the difference between them was that my mom always made an effort and showed that she cared. Besides that, I didn't have anyone who said "I got you" and meant it.

Sadly, I do know what that feels like. My parents have always been supportive of my choices and decisions but, to meet someone who made you feel like you were capable of being loved only to have them turn around and hurt you, I do know what that feels like.

Vanessa Lopez. The first girl I had ever loved. The first girl I shared my first kiss with. The first girl that showed and made me feel what making love feels like. Constant butterflies. Smiles that grew wider until; one day they vanished. Apart of me was gone. It's one thing to fall out of love with someone but it's another to go around and pretend as if there wasn't anything there. I always wondered why she pushed me away in public. Why she always seemed so distant when we'd be around her family and friends. It took multiple arguments with my mom to wake up and realize what was happening.

In such a short period of time, I felt I was walking on cloud nine. The things we did and said, they were our little secrets. She always made me feel so important and loved but it didn't take long for her to make me feel unimportant and ashamed. Ashamed of who I was and who I love. After two years, I ended it. Not realizing that the part of me I had a hard time accepting, became a part of me I afraid of.

Snapping out of my thoughts, as I looked up, I hadn't realized she was standing in the water. The bottom of her yellow sundress floating in the water. Her hair, parted to the side as the wing blew between them. She slowly walked back to where she was previously sitting and sighed.

" I got you." I shyly said. Nervously turning my head to face her, her eyes wide. " Lauren, you don't have to be alone. You don't have to be okay with things that aren't okay. That shouldn't be your life nor should it be what you consider normal. Or what you're used too. If you let me, you have someone in front of you that'll take a leap for you. I got you."

She shook her head, holding back the tears that wanted so badly to escape. Why? Why are you so nice to me? You don't fully know me but-

" I don't need to know you, Lauren. I know what it's like and what it feels like to wonder and question. I know what it feels like to hurt but you don't have to go through it alone."

No matter how much we're scared to admit it, sometimes all we need is someone. Even if it's just to share taco night or someone to talk too, here and there, it's comforting knowing that there's someone out there who'd drop everything and be there.

Can I ask you something else? I nodded my head as I watched her wipe her cheeks. She continued and said, when you and your parents moved here from Cuba, was this your spot?

I looked around and hadn't realized that it was. My eyes landed on the engraved name on the rock that I was sitting on. I slowly traced the letters with my fingers, softly smiling. I looked up at her as she smiled.

" I haven't been up here a lot. Everything's looks the same but for some reason, the feeling is different than the first time."

Play something?

I softly chuckled, bringing the guitar to my lap. " What would you like to hear?" She shrugged and I started strumming the chords of a song I had written a year ago. In beginning, it was only for me. Something only I could hear. When I find the right words and melody, I first played for my family at our thanksgiving dinner. Since then, I sparked yo the courage to sign up to open mic night at one of the cafe's downtown. The song was titled scar tissue.

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Hi babies!!!! I decided to post uploads on Wednesday's and Friday's. Waiting is too long and I already have written 11 chapters so, why not?