Imperfectly perfect

Chapter 6

Monday mornings. The busiest day of the week. Everyone rushing to get their daily dose of caffeine in order to function throughout the day. As I worked at the cash register, I never realized the many different people we come face to face. The many different types of people. Nerdy, full face of face makeup, tired, grumpy. Glasses, no glasses. Tall, short. It amazed how working opened my eyes to the differences of people.

As I served and called out the names, Dinah walked through the crowded cafe, pushing and shoving her way through. I softly chuckled as I shook my head.

" Surprised to see you here this morning."

I just wanted to see how's everything. Considering the fact that I haven't spoken to you in a few days.

I handed the blonde, blue eyed lady her chai latte as I looked back at her and said, " And you thought now would be a good time? While I'm being bombarded on a Monday morning?"

Camila! Less chit chat, more serving! I heard.

Monday mornings have always been the hardest days for me. In these past six months that I've stopped taking my pills, I thought I'd be easier because, I've found ways to cope and handle it but, days like these just always prove me wrong. I get anxious, confused. Sometimes I want to scream but I can't. Working at a places like this is...challenging. As crazy as it may sound, I thought it'll help. Facing the thing that I have the hardest time dealing with. I want to feel normal. I want to feel like I can do something without having to rely on a bottle.

I nudged Cassie, the freckled ginger who happens to be the only one who showed up this morning along with Mark and Jacob. I rushed through the back room, followed by Dinah.

Breath. Relax your mind and your body. She whispered, and I did just that. Good. Good. You're doing good.

She slowly sat me down on one of the chairs, as she did as well. What's going on Camila? What's on your mind.

" I was doing so good. Even when I have my days, I've been doing good but, every night before I go to bed, there's a lump in my throat. My mind doesn't shut off. Sometimes, tears fall from my eyes. I don't want to feel this way, Dinah. I don't want to have a good day but the minute a thought rushes through my brain, I break."

Is this about Lauren, or you? Camila, I hear you, alright? I know you don't want to take them but you don't have to take them every single day. They control it and I'm proud of you for trying. I am. As your friend, it's not worth you feeling the way that you do.

The conversations between Lauren and I, they're getting to me. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about meeting her dad and asking him, if losing his daughter was worth it? Going the rest of her life without sharing the special moments she'd come across. I thought about so much and it leaves me aching for her, wondering what goes through her mind at night. Every moment spent with her, how can I not fall in love with her? How?

The more I think about the possibility of there being an us, the mention of her ex leaves me thinking and feeling otherwise. The way that I feel, half of it was because of her but the other half was me and how well I hid it. How well I faked being okay. Only to lay awake at night, broken.

I watched as she took two pill bottles out of her bag, and placed them on the table side by side. I gave them to her, promising her that I wouldn't need them anymore. Promising her that I'll be okay and know how to control and cope. I made her promise to give them back to me only when I really needed them.

You stopped taking them on your own and here we are, six months later. They do not make you weak but I understand how you may think differently. One bad day doesn't mean you'll have a bad life or more days just like it. She said, my vision blurred by my tears. Whatever you may be thinking, it's not worth it. I just don't want you to beat yourself up over something that may be greater and beautiful than the negative side to what your feeling.

Before I could say anything, there was a knock on the door. She stood up and went to answer it. My eyes glued on the bottles. Oh how I'd love to throw them across the room but, I knew she was right.

The door closed and as I looked up, Lauren stared back at me.

I called your phone but you didn't answer so...I thought I'd stop by. Camila what's wrong?

I followed her eyes to the orange bottles on that table. If there was one thing I tried avoiding, it was this moment. Although I may have briefly mentioned it the other day, I was lucky enough that she didn't catch on. The last thing I wanted was for someone else to look at me as a fragile puppy. Someone who was afraid to touch me because they thought I'd break. I didnt want anyone to feel sorry for me.

" I suffer from anxiety and have a hard time focusing. Concentrating." I said looking at her. " There are days, weeks even that I feel like I'm finally in control with myself, my life, my work. There are days where everything finally feels normal when normal has always been far from me. Then, there's days like today where I have a million things to do. I feel stressed. Anxious. I completely forget everything and I'm yelled at for it. Nights I feel like I'm dying...trying to reach for the water on my nightstand or my phone just to hear the voice of my parents or sister or even Dinah."

Honestly, I have noticed. And when you mentioned how you can focus on something, that it was a gift and a curse, at first I was confused because why would it be? To know something or someone can make you feel, how is that a curse? but it later made sense to me. Well, I guess that I was wrong, she did notice. So much for being subtle. Camila, wether you take them or not, that's on you but your anxiety and difficulty to concentrate, those things will always be there. Just like how someone who suffers from depression, their depression will still there be even if they're happy.

Acceptance was what I lacked but I knew once I accepted myself the way I am, it'll be more easier.

Several minutes of thinking and I reached for the bottles, taking one for both of the bottles. She handed me a water bottle out of her purse and smiled.

Remember what you told me that day at the beach? That you got me? I got you too, Camila.

Dinah walked in before I could respond and thank god that she did. We decided to head downtown before she had to head to work.